September 18, 2022

Put your wife down at your peril!

Put your wife down at your peril!

By Bunmi Sofola

LARA had often moaned that someone else had got the life she was supposed to have.  We were mates at the secondary school and have remained close decades after we left.  A fairly brilliant student, we were all mildly surprised when she opted for matrimony.  Within the spate of a decade, she’d not only had four children, she’d become fat and frumpy.  It didn’t help that her husband’s clerical job didn’t pay much to keep the family above the breadline.  In the end Lara resigned her low-paid job and trained as a caterer.

“It was the best move I’d made so far,” Lara had said.  “After running a modest canteen, I was extremely lucky when one of our mates in school helped me get the job of running the canteen in her office.  It was a big one too and the responsibilities were challenging.  But there were perks too – it meant the difference between paying the school fees and putting decent meals on the table.

“You would think Lere my husband would appreciate the extra money.  The business centre he set up when he was retrenched wasn’t bringing in much and that really frustrated him.  When we argued, he said lots of things – that I didn’t know when to shut up, that I looked like the back of an elephant.  He even complained I came home reeking of kitchen fume.

“Thanks to his criticism, I spruced myself up a bit.  I got some new clothes I could afford and tried applying make-up.  The staff teased me but I enjoyed the attention.  But the day that really changed my life for the better happened some nine months ago.  We were already packing up for the day when one of the top officials sent for me.  He was going to work late and wondered if I could rustle up something for him to eat.  I told him I would try my best.  The rest of the canteen staff were all set to leave, so I told them not to bother, I would handle things.

When I later took the tray to the man, we shall call him Leo, he was already on the settee in his office with a lot of files on the coffee table.  I cleared a portion of the table and set the food down.  I gave him drinks from his fridge and told him I would wait at the reception when he was through.  He shook his head and told me to sit with him as he ate.  He told me to help myself to a

drink and I took a bottle of stout.  He raised his brow slightly and giggled.  When I sat next to him again, I noticed a photo of three smiling children – all boys and they looked just like him.  He chatted as he had his meal and I realised what friendly man he was.

“The setting was so domesticated that I suddenly realised I missed proper sex and felt sexually drawn to Leo.  I don’t know where the courage came from but as he raised his glass for more drinks, I leant forward and kissed him.  Leo’s eyes widened in surprise.  I thought he might recoil, embarrassed, and order me out of his office.  Instead, he pulled me closer and frantically kissed me back.  As he pushed my top up, I tugged at his trousers.  His fingers were all over my boobs.  I was wearing an old, grey bra, but he didn’t mind.  He pushed it up, wanting skin to skin.  Some of the files laid scattered on the floor but we took no notice.  I ended up with some of them under my buttocks as we made frantic love.  I felt I was that ‘someone else’, that I had finally taken my life back.

When it was over, Leo seemed happy with himself as he gave me a cuddle.  ‘You’re one sexy big girl!’ he whispered.  In that moment, I knew it would happen again.  Sex with my husband had become something that happened on a Saturday night when he rolled in from his beer parlour to wake me up.  I missed proper sex and thank goodness, Leo is providing that.

“I supposed you could say we’re having an affair – except that Leo and I never meet anywhere but at the office.  Yet it’s enough for me.  Lere and I are still arguing.  A few nights ago, I even blurted out in the heat of temper: ‘I’m sleeping with one of my bosses!’  He looked at me as if I’d gone off my senses.  ‘Don’t be daft,’ he snorted.  ‘Who’d want a fat slob like you?’  Well, Leo does.  And that’s why I won’t stop what I’m doing.  I can face life and my husband’s callous indifference as long as Leo wants me.  He’s a very generous man too.  Come to think of it, I must be a lot cheaper than those hoity-toity high-maintenance girls in the office – and I’m no threat.

“Thanks to his generosity, I’m able to afford small luxuries for the family – including my husband!  I’ve shed a bit of weight too – not that much as I enjoy my food.  If Lere notices anything, he hasn’t said a word.  He should really be grateful that another man is helping him shoulder his responsibilities.

Sweet Smell Of Success!  (Humour)

Sitting at home one night with his wife, a man is casually tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth.  As the couple take in the latest episode of watchdog, the man loses concentration for a split second and a peanut goes into his ear.  He tries to get the nut out, but succeeds only in forcing the thing in awfully deep.  After a few hours of fruitless rooting, the couple decide to go to the hospital, but on their way out of the front door they met their daughter coming in with her boyfriend.

The boyfriend takes control of the situation: he tells them he’s studying medicine and that they’re not to worry about a thing.  He then sticks two fingers up the man’s nose and asks him to blow – and lo, the nut shoots from the ear and out across the room.  As the daughter and her boy friend go through the kitchen to make a pot of tea, the man and his wife sit down to discuss their luck.  “So, the wife says,” what do you think he’ll become after he qualifies?  A GP or a surgeon?”  “Well,” says the man, rubbing his nose, “by the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.”

In The Heat of Passion

A man and his wife are driving home in their expensive new car one night when they both got horny, and decided to christen the sparkling motor with a shag.  Pulling into a lay-by they get down to business, but soon realise their nice new motor’s actually too small for the amount of erotic manoeuvring they want to do. 

The guy suggests they limb out and have a go under the car, which he promises his wife will provide ample clearance for his heavy buttocks, so the couple slip under the pristine vehicle and go at it like the clappers.  In fact, they’re enjoying themselves so much that they don’t notice when a policeman comes over and taps the man on the back of his exposed legs.

“What do you think you’re doing?” the copper asks the man.  “I’m fixing my car,” the chap calmly replies.  “No you’re not!” the policeman says through hysterical laughter.  “You’re having sex in public, and, I’m going to nick you for indecent exposure.”  “How do you know I’m lying?” the indignant man asks.  “Well,” the copper replies, “for a start, you’re facing downwards on top of a naked woman.  Secondly, I don’t see any tools anywhere.  And thirdly, your car was stolen five minutes ago.”