By Bunmi Sofola

“AREN’T our women a bit over the top in the way they dress these days?” That was Kay as he breezed into my office looking a bit worn around the edges. He’s currently heavily involved with Bomma, an older friend years younger than he is, but had also met Rose, one of the participants at a course we ran on Information technology a couple of months back.`

I quite agreed with most of the participants when they said Rose was a different mould entirely from your run-of-the-mill girls. Tall, picturesque and breathlessly attractive, she as the epitome of confidence. She obviously lapped up the admiring gawps of the men and the envy of the female participants.

How she eventually ended up with Kay in spite of the better looking and more cerebral participants beats me still. I wouldn’t have heard of the sizzling romance if Rose hadn’t tossed him out of her handbag like a badly soiled tissue. “That girl is your typical Jezebel,” he fumed, but confessed he was lucky to have found in her a match for his sexual prowess, albeit, briefly. “Would you believe she wears no knickers at all?” Tell me about it, I grunted inwardly. “Her first visit to my office was a memorable one,” he continued.

“She came in sweating profusely and complaining about the heat. The air-conditioning of her car was faulty and she suddenly stopped fanning herself with an envelope. Instead, she cheekily picked up the skirt of her dress and flapped it about frantically, trying to cool herself. My eyes nearly popped out of their sockets when I saw her mound. We’d been for a romantic dinner the night before and she was so scantily dressed I thought her boobs would pop out any minute. I mean, what do you women think about when you go out with men in very revealing clothes?

“All through that dinner, I kicked myself for promising to spend the night with Bomma. With all apologies, your friend Bomma is all right, but Rose in a siren-hot! Hot! Hot! I was virtually drooling all over her by the time dinner was over and felt really frustrated as I took her home like the gentleman I didn’t feel right then! She promised to drop by at my office on her way to a dental appointment and she did, wearing nothing underneath and making sure I knew. If that wasn’t a challenge, tell me what is!

“I flew out of my chair and turned the key in the lock of my office door. I’d never seen anything like that vixen in my life! Sweat and all, we had such an amazing spur-of-the moment rump that really freaked me out. Later, she calmly sat in front of me looking as if nothing had happened. When I asked her how she coped without knickers when she had a period, she looked at me as if I were a ninny and asked if I hadn’t heard of tampons!

“I asked her how much she thought her dental bill could be and she shrugged that ‘daddy would pick up the tabs’! But, I gave her money anyway and she didn’t even look at it as she popped it into her handbag. For the next few months, I was in seventh heavenly! I had nothing but sex on my mind as she fulfilled almost all my fantasies. I was on the verge of throwing Bomma over for her when I took her to a posh 40th birthday party a friend had in Ikoyi. I wanted to show her that I too had some yet-set friends and the party lived up to my expectation. Most of the guests were upper crust and champagne and cognac flowed freely, with quite a few men chumping on their cigars. If you wanted lager or soft drink, you had to virtually beg for it.

“Rose felt at home immediately, her excitement very obvious. She danced provocatively with a couple of the men before being claimed by a particular arrogant businessman who clamped her to his chest most of the time. I was getting pissed off by this show of shame that I told her I was ready to leave. Fine, she told me coolly as if speaking with a naughty boy, she would find her way home. The cocky creep had her draped on his arms with a sneer on his face. It wasn’t the sort of party where you create a scene by starting an argument, so, I left in a rage. She didn’t even look my way let alone try to stop me.

“The next day, she suddenly became incommunicado. Out of desperation to seek answers to her shameful behaviour, I called at her office and she didn’t look pleased to see me. Before I could say much, she told me she was ‘with Gbeke now,’ Gbeke was obviously the name of the catch she landed at the party I took her to! How cheap can you get? I mean, didn’t all the intimacy we had between us count for something? My goodness!

Her appetite for sex must be insatiable. The sad thing is that I miss her so much. She really lit my fire. For a while there, I actually fooled myself that I was falling in love with her. I was actually toying with the idea of re-marrying. Love? That girl doesn’t know the meaning of the word!”

I really tried to suppress the laughter that was threatening to burst out any minute. Kay is a winner-takes-all man who met his match in Rose and he didn’t have my sympathy – and I told him that much. He left my office looking really sorry for himself that I was tempted to pity him. Well, he could always skulk back to Bomma!

The year is fairly new, dear readers. Apart from those boring resolutions you were tempted to make, one thing you must do is clean up your personal life. Dead-woods that make you miserable all of the time must be thrown out, no matter how much it hurts. The year must see you make an effort to be happy – or have your peace of mind at least!

You Need Fact For The Job (Humour)

John was only 19 when he suffered terrible injuries that left him without any ears. He was determined to become successful despite the disability and by the time he was 40 he had built a prestigious international company and was a millionaire many times over. The time came when he needed a good ‘right hand’ man, so from all applications received, he whittled it down to three.

The first man was interviewed and showed great business acumen. John was impressed. However, at the end of the interview, he asked the final important question: “Do you notice anything different about me?” “You’ve got no ears,” came the reply. Poor John was so touchy about his appearance that he dismissed the man immediately.

The second candidate was interviewed and she was even more impressive than the first. Then he came to the final question. “And how would you describe me?” he asked. “You’ve got no ears,” she replied, so she didn’t get the job either. So it came to the third person. The man strode in confidently and did a perfect interview. John was extremely impressed. He asked the final question. “And what about me, is there anything you noticed?” “Yes,” replied the man, “You wear contact lenses.” John was over-joyed. “That’s right, how did you know?” “Because it would be hard to wear glasses without any fucking ears,” answered the men.