Dear Bunmi,

I became a widow some five years ago and my husband left us well-provided for.

I have three lovely kids aged between 20 and 14. Early last year, I met my current boyfriend who is 37, though he looks more matured than his age. His divorce from his wife was long and messy.

Anyway, the 10 years gap doesn’t matter to us, as my partner wants to marry me.

He already has a son who lives with his mother and would love me to have his child.

• Toyboy left me for another older woman!

We’d been trying for months without success. As luck would have it, we now have a lovely son but that hasn’t stopped me from wondering what would happen if his ex showed up in future, especially now he wants me to have another baby at my age. 

She’s caused me so much anguish by making me wait all this while and I believe that she still carries a torch for this her ex.

Uju, by e-mail.

Dear Uju,

A woman’s fertility declines steeply when she enters her 40s. Without IVF treatment, which would guarantee nothing, you may not be lucky to have another kid.

You lost your husband only a few years ago and it is understandable that you don’t wish to Jose this young boy-friend, who sees you as a replacement. But by attaching so much to bearing his children, you’re staking a lot on an impossible event that’s beyond your control.

I bet your fear is that this young man would leave you if you fail to make him a father again. A love like yours can only thrive when you both accept that having a child is only one of the reasons you are together.

If another child doesn’t happen, he has a role to play a stepfather to your kids, and a reliable one to the son you have together.

So, focus more on giving your children the love they need following the death of their dad, and less on enlarging the family with the birth of another baby they would most certainly resent.