Just when you thought you’d heard all there is to hear on the dating scene, another rib cracking tale rears its interesting head! 

I recently fulfilled a promise to call on an old acquaintance in his office and was amused to find him virtually breathing fire from his nostrils when I was finally ushered into his office by his secretary. 

That was after a bewildered lady had beaten a hasty retreat from his office.  Henry is the projects director of a manufacturing company. 

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The head office consisted of a sky scrapper and he was on the 10th floor.

“Stupid cow”, he spat, as he waved me to a seat opposite him. 

“He’d always been an emotional man and I was dying to know what was responsible for this current outburst. 

“So, what’s it this time?” I asked, trying to hide my amusement. 

“Can you believe how stupid some women could be?”  He wasn’t expecting an answer, so I didn’t offer one.

“You saw that woman who just left my office?  She is one of the contractors we use for refurbishing jobs in our numerous offices from time to time.

The types that call themselves ‘interior decorators’ and then farm the contracts they get on to more competent hands. 

Most of them come in through the recommendations of our executive chairman and I couldn’t really say no.

“Anyway, she brought some funny looking thank you presents to my office some weeks back and I offered to give her lunch. 

She’s not a bad looking woman afterall.  She wanted to know where the lunch would be, and I told her I would send for good food so we could have lunch in my office to save time. 

You would think a worldly wise woman like her wouldn’t actually expect me to lay a banquet for her here in my office! 

That I had more things on my mind than grub!

“You can then imagine how shocked I was when she came in wearing that stupid get up you just saw her in.  I mean, how impractical can you get?

A woman in her forties, coming for an office lunch-date dressed in a pair of trousers! 

Did she think I was going to rape her?”  “What exactly were you expecting her to wear?”  I wanted to know. 

“If a man in my position offers a woman lunch in the office, he expects her to wear a top and wrapper or free skirt suit with no knickers! 

That way, by the time your nosey secretary buzzes you to announce a visitor, you need to know she would be off your lap in a flash without her searching frantically for her knickers!

“I’ve had a few mishaps in the past where such knickers had been forgotten because we were in such a hurry after being disturbed only for them to be found by my staff some few days later”. 

Shouldn’t you have hinted that your date should dress appropriately for the type of ‘lunch’ you meant to offer her?”  I teased him.  “Don’t be ridiculous”, he spat. 

“At her age and with the type of job she does, she should be prepared for eventualities.  A few weeks back, this youth corper I just met, came to my office for the first time.

“Unfortunately, the lifts weren’t working and by the time she got to my office, she was a bit breathless and sweaty in spite of the skimpy dress she had on. 

“I joked that she must realise she shouldn’t be wearing warm undergarments in the heat.  She laughed and said she never wore any – except the bra once in a while. 

I arched my brow in disbelief and she cheekily got up and let fly her skirt!  My eyes were virtually on stalk as I gaped at her ‘goodies?’ 

“I dashed to the door of my office with the speed of light and turned the key.  In minutes, it was all over and by the time  my witch of a secretary, who you never find when you really need something, came to find out if my visitor wanted any form of refreshment, it was all over. 

It was with great pleasure that I gave her more than the money she asked for.  I also ordered her an impressive take away meal as a bonus!”

There’s no pleasing some of these men!  But I see some of the points the poor man was making. 

He obviously reckoned without the wiles of some adulterers who constantly scheme to find ways of letting their rival the ‘madam’ herself, know of their existence. 

They hope to wipe the smug smile off the wife’s face once she realises her husband is infallible.

It would be interesting to find out how the discovery of a pair of knickers found in a stuffed corner of the car, is explained away by a blustering husband. 

Did one of the ‘passengers’ he was trying to be nice to by giving her a lift leave them behind?  Or were they madam’s? 

What about compact powders, dodgy love notes and even ladies’ perfumes – not to talk of lipsticks?

“You have to be a step ahead of trouble makers like that”, fumed Henry.

“That’s why I told that female visitor off in no uncertain terms.  She still has work to bid for here. 

“When next she comes wearing some stupid gears, that’s the end of her.  Only last month, another female visitor called with a girlfriend in tow. 

“I was impatient with her as I tersely informed her that I had an urgent meeting to attend. 

“Next time she called, I warned, she should do so alone – not come with a chaperon as if she was still in the secondary school!”

Being my mischievous self, I asked him what would happen if it were the man that was inappropriately dressed? 

You can’t really have a quicky in your full native gear with the strings of your trousers tightly knotted around your loin, can you?: 

“There you go being silly”, he scowled.  “No matter what a guy has on, the Y-front is a winner any day for getting the job done.  Have you ever discovered any Y-fronts at the scene of any crime?”

Vanguard News Nigeria


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