Dear Bunmi,

My husband and I have been married for 19 years and have three children. We’ve lived in this friendly neighbourhood throughout our married life and my husband is an extrovert. He goes out in the evening with friends and sits in their homes drinking beer with them…and this is how our problem started.

There is this single woman, who moved into her house a few years ago with her two kids. Recently, my husband has been constantly visiting her, not just with other neighbours, but also alone at times.

Some of our neighbours warned me about the implication of these visits. I got angry and asked my husband what was going on. At first, he denied but later admitted that they had feelings for each other, but had not ‘slept’ together. I warned him if he didn’t stop visiting her that I would leave. He promised to stop, but he still visits her under the guise of visiting other neighbours.

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I feel hurt and jealous, and keep thinking he’ll renew the affair. I don’t think I can handle it with him being in the same room with her. He can talk to her on the street, but not in her home.

Samantha, by e-mail.

Dear Samantha,

The process of forgiving infidelity and rebuilding trust begins with your understanding of exactly what took place between your husband and this woman, and why. As painful as the subject is, you need to ask him why he had made such a careless decision to flirt with a neighbour, how she responded and how far it went. And if what he told you is really the truth, why didn’t they have sex when they had the opportunity?

Openness and the ability to discuss even the most painful subjects is the basis of a couple’s belief in one another’s loyalty and affection. If after your talk he’s really contrite and willing to change, you might no longer care where and when he sees this other woman. With time, she’ll again be just one of the neighbours.