By Yetunde Arebi
Life and love are beds or roses. Beautiful, yet thorny. Sometimes good and pleasurable and sometimes not so good, hurtful and painful. It will take a lot for one to rise above with murky waters. The two letters you are about to read elicited mixed reactions in me after reading them, anger, laughter, surprise, fear, etc.
They both ex-rayed the minds of women who have lost out in the game of love, betrayed by their men. I will really love to read more of such stories but from a position of strength. Always remember, you are more than a wife. Dear reader, please be kind enough to drop a word of encouragement for our dear sisters via my contacts atop this page. Cheers!
I have been married to my husband for ten years now. He is the Managing Director where he works. I have got four children and presently carrying a pregnancy. I work in a private company as a as a Secretary. We are living in a three bedroom bungalow with three of his relations. I struggle to get my all our needs from my meagre salary because he is saving to travel abroad for further studies. The plan is that he will travel then we will all join him. Since this will require a lot of money, we have been managing on very tight budget.
Our home, I mean, parlour, rooms and kitchen are places I cannot invite my friends to because everything in them is outdated and broken down as we live from hand to mouth. For the sincere love, affection and trust I had for him, I was ready to bear everything as a sacrifice for our future. I thought it was really because of this savings that he could not take care of me, the children, the house and even his foolish wicked self.
I never for one moment thought that he could be engaging in extra marital affairs. He cunningly made me believe that he loved and cherished me to the extent that all other women meant nothing to him. He always claimed to hate girls or women who are out to drain the pockets of foolish men who in doing this cannot take care of their families. He would usually say, “when I cannot take care of my family, where will I have the money to waste on girls”? Thus all these utterances, backed up with the nature of his job which involves travelling and working late hours, I remained blindfolded until recently when his driver let the cat out of the bag.
For some time now, his working late hours have become more often, with him coming home even as late as almost 12 midnight or shortly after. His travelling has also increased too to the extent that it is now difficult to find him at home.
All these I have bore in silence with the believe that my husband is a very focussed man who is working for the progress and future of our family. It is only two friends that have dared to ask me how I run the house because my children and I don’t look like people whose husband and father has been a Managing Director for the past six years. I have always restricted myself only to those things which my meagre income can afford me, since I believe that I would soon leave the country and all other things will fall in place.
Hell was let lose, when Oga could not pay his driver’s salary for two months running. The driver in a feat of anger, narrated how Oga is keeping two girlfriends, paying their school fees and rent. He clothes and feeds them. In fact, they are under his care and pay roll. To one of the girls’ family, he has already introduced himself as an in-law to be and executes the responsibilities of an in-law in that family. I had to do a serious homework and found confirmation of the driver’s words. I now know the girls too.
At the initial stage, the only thing I thought of was to take my life and leave this wicked man because I could not imagine him making love to another girl, kissing and fondling her and telling her he loves her just as he does to me. On the pretext that he is saving towards a better life for the family, he has been punishing me and the innocent children God has given us, without his conscience judging him, without a feeling or sign of guilt towards the children and I, and yet, he calls himself a Christian.
My resolution now is to end his relationship with these girls so that he can care for us. How do I do it? I had planned to eliminate him for his wickedness, but for the sake of the children, I had to throw that plan aside. I have now decided to deal with these girls instead and get my husband back to myself because I cannot bear leaving him. I realise that I care a lot about him and may not find another man to call my own. Even if I do, how do I know what is in store for me there?
Right now, I feel betrayed, deceived and unloved by a man I loved, cared for and relied on as my husband, friend and father. I want to end the relationship by all possible means as nothing will bring sanity back to me more than a confirmation that all has ended. However, I have a warning for these girls. You girls with the three letter and five letter names, leave my husband alone. If he refuses to leave you alone, come and tell me so that you can save your life.
I am on your trail. Anytime from now, you will be a gonner or at least be paralysed if you do not heed this warning. Do not underrate me and my words. He knows I mean whatever I say and that is why he has been very discreet so that I would not suspect your escapades. Do not let him fool you with his sugar coated tongue. Look for your husbands elsewhere. There is a man for every woman, do not scramble mine with me.
Yetunde, I still can’t believe it. How can my husband who finds it difficult to buy his child a biro, keep girlfriends and break my heart like this. I keep my fingers crossed for your quick response, please.
I wish to give my own case as an example to complement an article you published on this page recently. I got married to my husband at the Ikoyi Registry in 2002. He had refused to have an elaborate wedding ceremony with me because it was his second marriage. According to him, he married his first wife in 1991 and they separated in 1995. There was no accurate story of what led to the separation up till today.
We met in 2001 and married in 2002. His first wife is married to another man also, so I have nothing to do with his first marriage as some might want to think. We (my husband and I) live as a family with his first three children and my four children for him born between 2002 and 2009 . My husband is much older than me with a gap of 15 years but friends and neighbours admired our marriage. In fact, our days were not complete without each other. I took care of his other children to the best of my ability. In fact, very few people knew I am not their mother. I put everything that I had to make the marriage a success.
Alas! the devil came calling in 2013 when my husband met a divorcee in a discipleship class in our church. Before you could say Jack Robinson, the affair was the hot topic in the church and in our neighbourhood, but without my knowledge. All these despite the fact that we attended the same church. Myself, my husband and this lady. There was no single reason for me to suspect my husband because he was his good self at home. However, I eventually learnt of the affair from an outsider outside our church. When I asked my husband admitted all to my great shock. He told me he had already married the lady who at that time even had an 18 month old son from another man. I found it hard to believe, even though it was coming out of his mouth. I almost went mad because I felt betrayed.
However, I thank God for everything. With Christ on my side, my good children, both my biological and step children and my good job, I quickly got over the shock. I picked up my life again but with a big space in my heart because thereafter, I hated my husband. In 2015, he had a society wedding with this lady with a band stand in attendance without my knowledge. I saw the video on social media and the full video of the ceremony in this lady’s home when I went to her house to greet her when she had a baby for my husband.
I later discovered that this lady has been married twice with a baby each for the husbands, yet my husband had a society wedding for her. Whereas, he was the first man in my life. I was only 24 years while he was 39 when we got married, yet he did not want an elaborate wedding and his age was another reason he gave. But at 52, my husband married a 32 year old twice divorced woman with two children at an elaborate wedding. At a point in time, I was a nobody to my husband. When he comes home late in the night, he will lock his door which was not the usual practice in our home before his betrayal. I had access to his room anytime and he had access to mine too.
Immediately the lady gave birth, he came back with his usual deceit of ‘love’. Up till today, I am always afraid of having sex with my husband because I see him as a traitor. When I asked him why he married another woman when we were happily married, he said he did it to please himself and his family as he did not want to be single again should I decide to leave him. How can anyone think like that?
How can I remain in love with somebody who displeased me to please himself and his family? What did I do to deserve such a betrayal from my own husband who I sacrificed my youth and life for? I am so hurt that on the few occasions we have sex, throughout that day, I would be annoyed with myself. Sometimes, I cry when having sex with him. How good would it be if he would just leave alone after all, they say after menopause I will not need sex again. I am nearing 40 now. Let him go and enjoy his new wife and please himself the more, It is more annoying when he returns from his wife’s place in the morning and starts telling me he ‘loves’ me. What type of love is that? I cannot be teased again.
(Identity of both withheld)
Do have a wonderful weekend!!