By Bunmi Sofola

Lynda was nearing 30 years old when her boyfriend of three years proposed. “We’d met through mutual friends and the attraction was mutual”, said Lynda.  “Michael ha a good job with an oil company whilst I worked in my dad’s law firm As the only daughter, my parents had insisted on giving me a show-stopper when we eventually get married.  My elder brother was my only sibling and he’d had a quickie wedding in the US so he could regularise his stay. Thankfully, his marriage had worked but my parents still resented being robbed of the opportunity of a society wedding.

“After Michael proposed, we both went to my parents to give them the good news. As soon as they got a glimpse of the sparkling engagement ring, they were ecstatic. ‘You’ve got a good man here, Lynda’, my mum beamed.  `My son-in-law to be!’ dad added, giving Mike a very warm handshake. I couldn’t wait to get married and my parents urged us to go ahead with our wedding plans – they were paying.  What’s more, we should spare no expense.

“Mum and I threw ourselves into organising a lavish celebration and booked a grand events centre. We hired a wedding planner straight away. She went wild, booking a videographer, a photographer and a couple of reputable caterers. I got a sophisticated wedding dress from abroad and also bought my bridesmaids’ dresses and suits for Michael and his best man. Michael and his friends had a lavish stag night and I had a memorable hen do. A few weeks to the wedding, we were all at my parents when dad had a call on his mobile:  `Yes, Michael is my son-in-law’ he admitted to whoever was on the other end of the phone.  My ears pricked up. I looked over at Michael who had gone really cold. When dad finished the call, he looked as if he’d been punched in the stomach.  `Who’s Christie?’ he demanded, glaring at Michael, `I don’t know’, stammered Michael. `Well’, went on dad, `would you mind explaining why you’ve been in a relationship with her for the last six months?’ A relationship?  Was this some kind of a sick joke?  Had my husband-to-be really been seeing someone else for the past six months?

“I looked at him, desperately searching his face for answers.  `What’s going on Mike?’ I asked. But he couldn’t look at me. Instead, he casually stood up as f needing the toilet then dashed out of the door. My groom had done a runner!

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“I was too shocked to speak.  I’d never seen dad that furious.  Who was that on the phone? I asked dad.  `No idea’, he replied.  `But Christie left a number in case you want to speak to her’.  Too right I did!  Anger welled inside me as I dialled the number. After I introduced myself, she told me her side of the story. She’d met Michael at the night club we often frequented. They’d been in a relationship since then and he’d assured her he loved her. It was clear, from the way Christie was crying that she loved him too. `He was due to meet my parents for the first time tonight, she sobbed.  `When he didn’t turn up, my sister became suspicious.  We’d then look for Mike’s Twitter account with a `countdown to wedding’ clock on it. Our worst fears were confirmed when we found you on Facebook and saw your hen do pictures’.

“She told me Mike had texted her from abroad when we went shopping for the wedding.  He’d even promised to take her whenever she had her annual leave.  `I’ll forward the messages he sent me if you like’, she offered.  I asked her to go ahead.  A few minutes after she hung up, my phone started pinging with the texts. When I saw them, it was almost too much to bear – they proved Mike had genuine feelings for her too. How could he even think of doing something like this to me and my family?  Everything I thought I knew was falling apart.  I had so many questions but where was my love rat?

“Dad put a call through to mum who was abroad helping with my brother’s new baby.  Now she was desperately trying to find the first flight back.  I just lay on my bed, trying to work out where it had gone wrong. How had he kept it hidden?  Should I have seen the tell-tale clues?  When mum got back a few days later, she took control.  `We need to ring all the wedding guests to let them know it’s off, she said. That was when reality hit me. In my shock, I’d not given thought to how to call off the wedding. We were supposed to be getting married. My parents had spent millions of Naira planning the wedding.  But now, I’d have to cancel it, all because my so-called fiance had been leading a double life.  I felt too humiliated.  Mum was amazing. She rang every single guest while I lay in bed sobbing.  Then she spoke to the suppliers to try to get back some of our money.

“But it wasn’t good news. As the wedding was just a couple of weeks away, they said we would lose our deposits. In the end, millions of Naira was lost.  My parents put a brave face on it, but it was heartbreaking.  They’d blown so much of their savings, and for nothing.  It felt like a double betrayal. Mike had been seeing another woman behind my back – and he’d let my parents shell out millions on a wedding. I guess it had suited him. Arranging our wedding had been the perfect way to distract me while he went off bed-hopping with Christie.

“In the months that followed, I couldn’t eat or sleep. I was like a zombie at work. Friends rallied round, but I was inconsolable. Then one evening, who  should come crawling, but Mike? `What do you want’ Dad barked, looking as if he wanted to hit him. He’d sheepishly returned to collect the passport he left with me so we could book our Dubai honeymoon. As he entered the room, he couldn’t look at me in the eye as he mumbled what sounded like an apology. He said sorry to my parents and promised to pay back the wedding money.  `Just get out!’ Dad barked at him.  We never saw him again. I also heard his relationship with Christie had ended.  What a lucky break I had when Christie called dad. Without it, I would have married a cheating rat”.

Ask no questions (Humour)

The middle-aged wife looked moodily at her husband, buried deep behind the Vanguard newspaper at the breakfast table. She rattled her cup and saucer to try to attract his attention.

“What would you say”, she asked in a loud voice, “if I wee to tell you I was having an affair with your best friend?” Turning unconcernedly to the sports page, he replied l “I’d say you were a lesbian”.