Your Excellency, President Olusegun Obasanjo, former president, electorally valueless item (sorry, malleable quantity), retired General but apparently not tired troublemaker (sorry poultry farmer), please we beseech you to be allowed the liberty of addressing you by recourse to a timeless and quite evergreen line from the stable of your late townsman, Fela Anikulapo Kuti, a man your administration tormented up to the point of the untimely death of his mother of blessed memory, the incomparable Fumilayo Ransom-Kuti.
Our dear former President, please before you offer us your Newtonian lecture us to what is best for Nigeria, we are quite interested in finding out if what you had to offer the good people of Odi was in the best interest of our countrymen who lived there.
Please, do pardon our ignorance but our investigations show that you never went to Odi, yourself, but only sent bloodthirsty troops there and what’s more, we happen to recall that when you recommended the Odi treatment to President Goodluck Jonathan as your preferred approach to tackling Boko Haram, he had retorted that when he got to Odi, the only people he met there were the dead bodies of old men, women and children, all the youths and whatever militants that might had been in the town, having made their escape long before your rampaging troops arrived!
Indeed, before we gather to listen to whatever tune you might have been rehearsing for our entertainment in view of the coming elections, can we at least know if the good people of Zaki Biam, many of whom are no longer alive to cast their votes with us, were also entertained by the highly inspiring music of booming guns, rolling tanks, and, flying bullets you generously played for them while you held sway as potentate over this land?
Before we drink the water you say you fetched for us, can you at least familiarise us with what the good people of Bakassi (whom you drove from their ancestral homes in your highly treasonable, utterly misguided and rather very poorly informed bid to get a Nobel Prize by making refugees of your own countrymen) had to say about the special kind of water you so benevolently forced them to drink?
Baba, before we accept that President Buhari is responsible for kidnappings in Nigeria, can we get some further clarifications because our own research seems to show that the present phenomenon of kidnapping we are faced with today actually started during your administration.
Please don’t be offended but in fact we have been able to trace it to a particular episode in your gorilla approach to governance in which you locked up Asari Dokubo, which led to the Niger Delta militants forming the Movement for the Emancipation of the Niger Delta, MEND.
Our findings reveal that MEND subsequently resorted to abducting foreign oil workers to press their demands for the release of Dokubo and later, former Bayelsa Governor, DSP Alemieseigha.
Unfortunately, it then transpired that career criminals, starting in the South-East and South-South came to reckon that there was money to be made in snatching people until the trend spread into the cancer it now is all over our country today!
Surely, and unless we are all living on another planet, or at any rate, suffering from the all too common Nigerian malady of having no sense of history, can it not be fairly submitted that far from Buhari having anything to do with it, it is actually you, Aremu Okikiola, that may be said to be the originator of kidnapping in Nigeria due to your rather thoughtless and quite trigger-happy actions which additionally led to the consolidation of militancy in the Niger Delta?
Before we dig into the mountains of Amala and oceans of Ewedu you claim to have prepared for us, and you begin to teach us what should safeguard us from ending up in a bottomless pit of eternal blackouts, could we at least know what happened to the 16 billion dollars for power, especially since the lights have just gone out as usual in our own neighborhood?
If you don’t mind, Your Imperial Excellency, Mathew Aremu, before we proceed to Otta to attend lectures from a true sage on how to perform the miracle of a former prisoner relying on savings of twenty thousand naira to grow a bankrupt dilapidated poultry farm into a multi-billion dollar network of world-class farms overnight, could you be so kind as to throw some light on what actually befell the likes of Bola Ige, Marshal Harry, A K Dikibo, and the numerous others, no longer with us, whom we wouldn’t have minded attending the lectures with?
We crave your indulgence but as we recall it, they were all brutally murdered under your watch as Chief Security Officer of the nation and we are thus a bit confused as to your tagging of President Buhari as a harbinger of insecurity even when there has been no comparable trend of such high profile political assassinations under his watch!
Baba Iyabo, before we land at your house, billed as a true haven of peace, please we implore you to resist the temptation to blow a fuse as usual, but we would very much like to know if you have made your peace with your estranged daughter, Senator Iyabo Obasanjo, who once wrote you off as a pathetic excuse for a dad by quoting an ancient Chinese proverb which insists that a great man may only be identified from what his own children think of him!
Baba Gbenga, before we are accorded the rare privilege of being ushered into your incomparably morally upright presence, we would want you to know that we are quite eager to learn exactly how you managed to resolve your differences with Gbenga, your own son, who not only openly accused you of sleeping with his wife but did so by deposing to an affidavit to that effect, a device, which in law, is the most serious manner in which an allegation might be formally made!
Teacher, we beg no vex but before we arrive at your controversially built Presidential Library for you to teach us anything so that we too might be beneficiaries of the wealth of wisdom you must have been imparting into the chickens you are breeding there, especially as to whom we should be voting for, whether President Muhammadu Buhari or (according to you, the marabout-loving) Atiku Abubakar, please, how might we be sure you are not going to end up teaching us total nonsense, sir?
Andrew Osai Eke
COALITION FOR TRUTH IN NIGERIA,
28 DECO ROAD, WARRI,