By Bunmi Sofola
IT never fails to amuse me how men behave when they’re on the ‘chase’ for a new catch. A few months back, Joshua, a younger brother’s friend who works with one of the banks we used, told me excitedly he’d struck gold. His girlfriend of almost nine months had finally agreed he could spend the night in her flat after attending the birthday party of one of her friends together, Joshua had always been a ladies’ man – and he knows how to pick his women – older women with their own flat and a comfortable income. If there were no kids in the horizon, it makes his choice a better one.
When he told me of his encounter with Monica, I warned him to be careful. Monica is in her early 40s and recently separated from her husband. Joshua had met her in one of his sisters’ shops and hadn’t let the 10-year age difference faze him. He always looks more matured for his thirty-something anyway. On his way to pick up his ‘date’ he showed up at my place looking good enough to eat. He was casually dressed in expensive clothes and wafting an exotic aftershave.
‘Tonight is the night with Monica,’ he gloated, rubbing his hands with glee. “After the party tonight, I’ll take her home – and you can guess what wild things we’ll do together. I have a few bottles of chilled choice wine in the car – and a well-preserved me of course!”
I was a bit amused. From what I’ve heard, Monica’s husband was a violent thug. She might have moved out of her matrimonial home, but they were not divorced yet. He still stalked her under the guise of visiting Joke, the only child of the marriage who is eight years old. I warned him to be careful. “What could go wrong Aunty?” he asked, rolling his eyes at me. “The flat is Monica’s. It’s not as if we’ll be visiting her ex on his turf! I had a social event of
my own to attend and was already running late, so I beat a hasty retreat. When I realised I’d left my mobile phone at home. I became a little worried. What if Joshua was in trouble and needed to talk?
It was a relief when I got back and there weren’t any missed-calls from Joshua. Did he get on alright with Monica? I wondered the next day?
As if on cue, there was an impatient shrill of the doorbell and there he was, looking fit to be tied. What happened to his night of passion? “You’re right, Monica’s husband is a thug!” he fumed. “After we left the party, we went to her place as agreed and we couldn’t wait to tear each other’s clothes off. We made passionate love and I happily dozed off afterwards. This was around 2:30 am. All of a sudden, I was being pummelled by this angry-looking man who ordered me to `get out of my house’. I was enraged. `Your house?’ I challenged. That infuriated him more and he punched me in the nose. He was a burly man and as I attempted to ward off his attack, he dragged me to the front door, still in my boxers, and threw me out of the flat, shutting the door firmly in my face! I was really terrified. What would happen to Monica with this maniac locked up in the flat with her? They were both shouting angrily at each other as I quickly got into my car and fled. Thank God, it was dark and there were no nosey policemen on the now deserted streets. How could I have explained driving in the night in nothing but my boxers?”
Heavens only knew how I suppressed the laughter that threatened to burst as I imagined Joshua being tossed out of his lover’s flat like a piece of rubbish! After he’d calmed down, he asked me to call Monica, reeling off her number. If he called, he feared her ex could still be around and he might smash her mobile if he knew it was him. So, I called Monica, whom I’d never met and introduced myself. I said I was Joshua’s ‘big sister’, and she gabbled she’d heard a lot about me from Joshua. Was he alright? I gave the phone to him and left the room When I came back, he was on his way out – to hers! – “Again?” I asked him. “Shouldn’t you allow things to cool a bit? What happens if her ex is lurking somewhere, waiting to pounce again?
“I’m only going to wait outside her flat, honk the horn and take her to my place””, he explained, perking up all of a sudden Just how much punishment should you take in the name of love? Lust ….!
Gender Roles All Mixed Up … Until It Comes To Sex
In this modern age, men and women are increasingly happy to adopt the habits of the opposite sex.
But it seems there is one area where we are determined to stick to gender stereotypes, even if it means lying.
A study has found that chaps still want to be seen as ‘real men’, the kind who boasts of having had many sexual partners no matter what the truth.
Women, meanwhile, prefer to be seen as having less sexual experience than they actually have, to match what is traditionally expected of them.
The research of Ohio State University found that men and women will fib about sex to meet cultural expectations, but otherwise will freely admit where they fail to adhere to classic stereotypes.
Women, for example, will admit to the masculine voice of telling each other rude jokes, while men will confess to the more feminine pastime of writing poetry.
The study of 293 students aged 18 to 25, reported in the journal Sex Roles,found that men who were connected to what they thought was a working lie detector claimed to have had fewer sexual partners than when they weren’t. For women, the reverse was true.
Psychology professor Terri Fisher, the author of the study, said: “There is something unique about sexuality that led people to care more about matching the stereotypes for their gender.
‘Sexuality seemed to be the one area where people felt some concern if they didn’t meet the stereotypes of a typical man or a typical woman’
All Night Long? (Humour)
Two sixty-year old men are chatting over their lunch in the works canteen. Fred grins at his mate and says, “you know George, I made love to my wife three times last night”. “Never!” exclaims George, “How did you manage that?” “It was easy really. I made love to her once, then slept for half an hour, then I woke up and made love to her again, had another 30 minutes sleep and made love to her the third time”. “Now!”, says George, impressed “that sounds good, I think I’ll do the same.”
So that night George gets into bed, makes love to his wife and turns over to sleep for half an hour. He wakes up makes love again and goes back to sleep. 30 minutes later, he wakes up once more, makes love and falls asleep. In the morning, he wakes up in a panic to realise he’s 45 minutes late for work. He throws on his clothes, skips breakfast and rushes down to the factory. As he gets to the gates, the boss is standing there looking very angry. “Sorry I’m late boss”, he gasps, “give us a break. I’ve worked here for 40 years and I’ve never been late before. Come on, it’s only 45 minutes”. The boss replies in disbelief. “45 minutes! Where were you yesterday, and the day before?”