By Bunmi Sofola
WOULD you compare your lover to a gorilla? I don’t mean gorilla the brute – I mean gorilla of the male species! There are tonnes of things about a man that can turn a woman on. I’ve heard of some women who go weak at the knee when they clamp eyes on men in uniforms. For others, it’s men’s height or muscles or that inconsequential thing like the size of his wallet! As for Jane, not only does she like burly men, she likes them with a lot of hair on! She was in my office for a natter when Raymond sauntered in. He services the office computers from time to time and had just finished when he called in for a chat. Jane’s eyes were on stalks when she saw him. So he was tall and all that, but he wasn’t really Adonis! The minute I introduced them, she was on like a rocket – chatting a minute to the dozen as if she’d known him all her life. What was the matter with her? A fairly cool single mother of two, here she was carrying on like a teenager in heat!
Within minutes, they’d swapped phone numbers and Raymond left with a smirk! “What was all that about?” I asked Jane, a bit put out by her obvious play for Raymond. “Oh, aunty C, did you get a glimpse of his chest?” Chest? It was a man we were discussing here for goodness sake! “Yes, his chest,” she continued excitedly, “his shirt was partially opened and what I saw of his chest was extremely hairy!” So? “I’ve always been a sucker for hair. I can’t think of anything else that excites me more than a hunk who’s covered in a thick layer of body hair. It all started when I was at the university and had sex for the first time. My boyfriend then was so hairy that I became transfixed at all that black hair covering his body – it made him look so masculine, powerful and virile!
“Since then, I’ve always regarded even the hunkiest men as un-sexy. they don’t have hairy chests. Their smooth chests simply turn me off! I used to love cuddling up and resting my head on my ex’s chest, feeling the wiry hair tickling my cheeks. Let’s face it, when you think of it, even when you’re madly in love, sex is a really primal, animal act – and being with such a gorilla of a man only made it feel more exciting and erotic. I was madly in love but it all ended two years later when he finished at the university. The long distance between us killed the love as he couldn’t afford to travel to see me. I was heart broken for a while but quickly resumed my hunt for a replacement after my heart break eased. I found it a major turn-off if I discovered a guy only had a few measly stray hairs on his chest. It made him seem like a mere boy, not a grown man.
“Over the next few years, I had some wonderful encounters with hairy men until my lust for them had virtually transformed into a fetish. I was a bit worried in case I met Mr. right and he had no hair. Would it work? Would I really find him sexy? But I was in luck and my ex met all my wild expectations. Pity it didn’t work out but we were married for close to ten years and I have two lovely kids to show for it. We still remain friends and for a while after the divorce, I still bonked him because of his hair appeal.
“I haven’t been all that celibate after my divorce but I was still on the look out for Mr. ‘Bush’. 1 almost didn’t pop in this afternoon you know? But something kept on pushing me towards your office. Was it the hand of fate? As soon as Raymond came in, I noticed the top buttons of his trendy patterned shirt was undone and a medallion was resting on the sexist nest of chest hair I’d seen for ages! I was instantly on fire, believe me. In fact, if he’d asked me to come with him that instant, I would have
– with or without your approval! He’d promised to call. If he doesn’t, I’ll call him!”
A few months later, who should call at the office but those love birds – Jane and Raymond! He’d come to have a look at a computer that was mal-functioning and Jane waited for him in my office. “Did you notice his hairy chest this time?”, she gushed as soon as he was out of ear-shot. I told her I didn’t. “Well, his hairy chest is on display,” she said. “That man is a treasure! The first time he came to my fIat, he’d already guessed how I felt about hairy men, so he took his shirt off after a few drinks. My goodness! It was like a forest in there! I was all over him. Subtility be
dammed – I was panting for him. Soon we were snugging like mad and I virtually dragged him to the bedroom. When he took off his vest, the thick strip of hair running down his belly into his jeans made me so wild with desire. When we made love, I stayed on top all the time so I could clamp my eyes on his gorgeous chest!
“Raymond was really amused when I commented his lairy chest turned me on. He felt honoured. Said it was sexy seeing me so turned on. Much later, he confessed that most of his previous lovers had disliked his hairiness. One had even volunteered to help him shave it off but he refused. I assured him I’d never ask him to do that. It would be like asking him to shorten his willie! I can’t really believe my luck even now – all that hair and a stud to boot!”
Raymond guessed I must have been given a blow-by-blow account of all that had happened between him and Jane but that didn’t seem to bother him. He looked almost cocky as he touched Jane affectionately and she jumped. My goodness! Do they still make them like Jane? And are there men out there who like hairy women?
Lola’s man does, though she finds it irritating. She runs a successful spa and has to look well groomed. “1 thank my stars for being hairy: she told me, “but I can’t be expected to advertise the fact all over my business premises. 1 have to be well groomed and 1 shave off my pits as soon as they grow. But my man doesn’t like that. I find it a bit irritating that any man would find a bushy armpit sexy! I have met him halfway by not trimming my pubes too low. If it were left to him, the bushier the better in spite of the fact that he’d had his willy bruised by a few strand’ from time to time. I guess some people are just gluttons for punishment when it comes to enjoying sex!”
“Have you noticed that there are women out there who have hairs all over their body, more than a man’s?” asked Dele, 45, and married. He confessed he’d often found hairy women a turn on “That’s why I refused to date fair women when 1 was abroad”, he said. “You know dark hair shows easily on fair skin, so the white woman is always shaving off her body hair. But the darker ones don’t bother, and you can guess that if they’re hairy on the skin, they would be down below. 1 always drop those that shave, like a hot potato.