By Bunmi Sofola
THE wife sits at home, picks up one of these Smart-Alec glossy magazines that are forever giving you tips on how to keep your home, job and God-knows-what else into the 24-hour a day that she has and reads: How To Be A Wife And Mistress! According to these hot tips, the wife is advised to throw on sexy clothes she can ill- afford and lure her husband into the bedroom. Hah!
All along, it was the husband who never wanted his wife to wear clothes that were too flashy or too revealing. When they got married and she wore one of her clothes with a plunging neckline, the same type of gear that attracted him in the first place, he quickly admonished: “You’re a married woman now, you’re no longer in the market” or “You had better change that dress or pin the neckline, it is too obscene!” The girlfriend, on the other hand, could walk the street naked for all the notice he takes. After all, he can’t take her home or to gatherings where they might run into his married friends and their wives. Even if they do run into anybody, it is likely to be some of his friends in the same boat and most likely at the sleazy pepper-soup joints he frequents.
Ironically, if anything upsets him at home, it is the mistress that he bares his soul to not the wife. If he has a lousy day at the office, the mistress gets details of all his anger and frustration and tries to soothe him the best she could, whilst the wife hovers on the fringe, waiting for him to burn out his hostility.
So, how can a wife be the perfect mistress? Cook dinner with one hand and apply mascara with perfect strokes with other; or does she quickly peel off her pee stained dress and rush into something slinky whilst she keeps half an ear open for the yell of the infant that might come any minute?
“The best thing to be here”, said a cheeky married mother of three, “is your husband’s wife on one hand, and someone else’s mistress on the other. Even when you make an effort for husband, he looks at you suspiciously and wonders if you aren’t having an affair!
“Just a couple of days ago, my flavour-of-the-moment phoned to find out what I would like for lunch. His wife travelled and was considerate enough to package several stews and food in compact plastic bowls, and stocked them in the freezer. Should he thaw the fresh fish stew and fried rice or would I rather grill the steak he’d already taken out to thaw?
“Now, that’s what I call living it up. Let someone else do the dirty work while I rake in all the benefits decked in my most seductive dress! I make sure my husband’s lunch pack is always mouth- watering. Do I know who he shares it with everyday? Better still, do I know if he gives it to his secretary and takes his mistress out? “Only last month, he came in late on Friday night as usual and I heard him clanking pots and plates in the kitchen. I always make sure to leave hot meals for him no matter how late he comes in the following morning. I was surprised to find all the plates sparkling clean. His give-away was the trash can which looked unused.
“When I commended him on his thoughtfulness, he swelled with pride. I deflated his moment of glory by asking him where he put all the bones from the pieces of meat in his stew? He looked trapped for a minute, then quickly said he threw them in the main rubbish bin outside the house! Later in the day, the night-guard brought back a food basket and asked me to thank ‘oga’ for the food he gave him the previous night. I was livid. All that choice meat and food for a night guard? When I challenged him, he said it was the left-overszhe gave the guard! With incidents like that occurring every time in marriage, you often bristled with resentment to think of luring the culprit to your bed!”
Just How Holy Is This Pope?! (Humour)
A young cleric is preparing to board a plane when he hears The Pope is on the same flight. “This is exciting,” he thinks, “I’ve wanted to see the Pope in person”. He’s therefore even more surprised when the Pope sits down next to him, and starts to work on a crossword puzzle.
“This is fantastic,” thinks the young priest. “I’m really good at crosswords. Perhaps if the Pope get stuck, he’ll ask me for assistance.”
Almost immediately, the Pope turns to him. “Excuse me,” he croaks, “but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman? It ends in ‘_unt’?” Only one word leapt to the priest’s mind. “My goodness,” he thinks, beginning to sweat. “I can’t tell the Pope that. There must be another word.” Racking his brains, it finally hits him, and he turns to the Pontiff. “I think the word you’re looking for is ‘aunt’, he says, relieved. “Of course,” says the Pope. “Hmm. You don’t have any Tippex, do you?”
What A Caring Husband! (Humour)
One day, a man walks into a dentist’s surgery and asks how much it costs to extract wisdom teeth. “N8,000” the dentist says. “That’s a ridiculous amount,” the man says. “Isn’t there a cheaper way?” “Well,” the dentist says, “if I don’t use an anaesthetic, I can knock it down to N6,000.” “That’s still too expensive,” the man says.
“Okay” says the dentist. “If I save on electricity and wear and tear on the tools, and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers I could get away with charging N2,000.” “Nope,” moans the man. “It’s still too much.” “Hmm,” says the dentist, scratching his head. “If I let one of my students on work experience have a crack, I suppose I could charge N500.” “Marvellous,” says the man. “Book the wife in for next Tuesday.”