Hi!

The first day I set my eyes on Grace at one of my many women’s group gigs, I was convinced she was one of the most enchantingly beautiful women I had ever met. She stood at an average height of 5.5″, not so petite, just average, no excess, front and back. Blessed with flawless, ivory fair skin, she had a mound of about four inches crinkly curled afro on her head. Her face was close to bare of makeup. Her black skirt was a daring mini worn on top of a pair of black killer heel pumps. She was a perfect picture of beauty and confidence and she carried and comported herself with the same air.

love

I figured she would be between 47 to 55 at the most. I am a sucker for beautiful women and never shy away from acknowledging them when I meet them. If you know what goes into the works to achieve and maintain a successful beauty regimen by a woman, you will appreciate things better whenever you come across a truly beautiful woman. So, I wound my way to her side to pay my homage and acknowledge that I am now a follower of her great endowments.

I was not disappointed by her sweet,  velvety smooth voice too but almost choked on my drink when she told me she was in her 60s. 63, she announced with glee to the surprise of many. It was as if I was perusing over a piece of art work and everyone of us just stared on. I had no idea someone of her age on this side of the world could look that captivating. And if she could look this good at 63, then she must have been one hell of a lady in her younger days. And the man who won her heart must be damn lucky too.

I figured Grace lived a cushy, classy life as she has travelled out of the country several times in the almost two years since I’ve known her. Only the last of her four children lived in Nigeria until mid this year when he also joined his siblings abroad. Like many of us in the group, I did not need to be told that her days of worries and struggles over her marriage and children was pretty much over and that she had successfully coasted into auto mode. So, you can imagine our shock and utter disbelief when she sauntered into the meeting a couple of weeks ago to inform us that her 35 years old marriage was over.

“It is a lie”!! almost everyone quipped at the same time. How can? How come? What can fa? as Sade, one of my childhood friends is fond of saying in her blending of English with Yoruba language. Grace said they had been having issues for sometime which she thought they were handling fine, but things took a drastic turn after their last child left the nest. She said he suddenly took to roaring like an angry, wounded lion and insisted she must move out of a home she helped to build for over three decades.

Initially, she did not think of it as a serious issue and would tell the children to talk to their father and sometimes report him to their mutual family members. He took her by surprise when he came home early one Saturday morning with two men, having spent the night out. She saw them carrying a ladder and some tools and concluded they were hired to carry out some repairs around the compound. Soon, she began hearing their noise on the roof top and before long, she got the picture of the drama playing out right before her eyes.

Her husband was forcing her out of their home by removing the roof of her room! She called her children who insisted she must remain in the house and should move to one of their rooms. Too ashamed to call on family and friends at this point, she called her younger sister who spent the night with her in her roofless room, exposed to the elements of the night, packing her belongings.

She moved out the next day, first to her sister’s and three days later to her own rented apartment. Close friends and family helped with the basic furnishing. Thus ended the most significant, the most important three decades of her life as a woman.  Her husband has not stopped at just a separation but has taken the battle to the courts, to divorce his 63 year old wife.

The next couple of minutes was spent raining curses on men, especially those who treat their women in such shabby and wicked manners, then deferred till after the meeting. But for some of us, the meeting was over, I’d lost concentration. Still awed at Grace’s beauty, I found it difficult to believe that a man in his right senses would let her walk away, much less chase her off.

What could she have done to warrant a separation after over three decades of marriage? And in such a demeaning and loathly manner.  As Christians, the worst case scenario would be adultery. Could it have been committed in her younger years or a recent affair?

Is the union; their love for each other, the happiness of the four children, the peace, joy, pains, successes, loss, laughter and friends and family they have shared together all these years not worth any meaningful consideration?  Assuming Grace had indeed erred by having an affair, is an affair worth destroying a home you built for several years over? Would Grace have taken such a decision if her husband had been the guilty one? Or can he swear before the gods that he has never peeped into any other skirt in 35 years other than his wife’s?

Even if one is to sail with the theory of the other woman, what can she possibly have between her legs that will force him to throw away his life without giving things a second thought. Gold? Some also came up with the theory of juju, that the man could be under the influence of African remote control and so cannot think or act rationally until he is released by his captor.

While I am not one to dismiss the efficacy of black magic,  my late grandmother had a fond defence against it. If anyone is acting up and another suggests that the person might be under the influence of juju, she would respond, now that it’s been pointed out to him, he ought to retrace his steps. If he does not, then he is aware of his actions and therefore not under a spell .

Can a man be so blinded by the love of another woman such that he will reduce his wife of 35 years to nothing just to be with her? I don’t think so. Something more fundamental probably went wrong. However, I am of the opinion that regardless of what might have happened, a woman who has  endured a marriage of 35 years does not deserve to be walked out unceremoniously, stripped of honour and human decency.

How does she begin to rebuild her life? It would surely take great strength of mind and character and God’s favour for Grace or any other woman to get back on their feet after such an ordeal. I am not advocating that couples cannot separate or divorce from each other when they are convinced that they can no longer resolve their differences and have no more love for each other. What I am against is situations such as Grace’s, when the woman has to walk out with nothing, not even with her dignity.

No matter how few the number of years spent in a marriage might be, something vital to the woman has been lost and/or invested during the period.  For instance, her youth has been sacrificed and can never be regained. Besides the age that has piled up,  the once young, vibrant, pulsating and enticing  body has been sacrificed bearing the children and tending to her husband’s pleasures.

Never again, except through surgical reconstruction can she have those perky round breasts anymore. Once a woman is divorced, her character and virtue will be called for questioning, especially because of our African culture, tradition and hypocrisy as a people. Even her married friends who know the facts of the matter might turn their noses up at her. The time a woman spent caring for the family, tending to the home and making sacrifices to ensure that nothing rocks the boat has been wasted.

Men who take decisions to walk away or drive out their wives must display some humanity and fear of God. It is demonic for any man to throw his wife and children out without providing for them. It does not add to a man’s profile, rather it demeans him, if he is bent on seeing his wife and sometimes children suffer and dehumanised because he needs to punish her for her actions or inactions.

I have heard arguments such as women bringing little or nothing to the table besides their bodies when they get married and so should demand for nothing when they are done with and dispensed off like some piece of rag. In fact, this is often thrown at house wives or rather women without any significant means of financial contribution to the union.

I doubt if this is true in totality. Though a woman might not have a job where she clocks in 8am to 5pm, it does not translate into not contributing financially to the union. If we are to remove the tag ‘wife’ and employ people to take up her role or duties in the home, men will surely  pay a fortune to get their lives together. For his meals, he would need a cook.

To clean the house, he will need a help, cleaner or house keeper. For his clothes, he will need a washman or take all to the dry cleaners. Some men can’t even clean their own under wears, their wives do. For sex, he would have to pay, even when he wants it in the dead of the night to cool off after returning from a hard day’s job, or to cap it up after an evening of drinking at the club with the boys, same for when he wants it to pep up to a good start early morning.

To have kids, he would get a surrogate and we all know they don’t come cheap. To raise and care for them he would need nannies and teachers. Most men hardly help their kids with their homework, the wives do. Calculate all these bills and pay them to your supposed ‘idle’ wife and you will get your answer. Many men who have tried to ‘play wife’ have had horrifying tales to tell of their experiences. Men need to know and acknowledge the huge sacrifices women put into being wives.

To be concluded next Saturday. Do have a wonderful weekend!!