IF a friend’s partner dies, it’s hard to know what to say. But saying nothing at all could give them the impression you don’t care. So what should you do? Writer Caroline Doughty lost her partner six years ago. Now based on her experiences, and those of others who have also been bereaved —she has written a book that aims to help. She says there are a number of good reasons for putting pen to paper to write a letter of condolence. “When someone you care about loses someone like their partner,” she explains,”an e-mail of text message simply isn’t enough.”

She also points out that if your friend can’t face reading it straight away they can wait until they feel ready. And once they have read it, they can re-read it whenever they want. Receiving a letter can be a great comfort to someone who is bereaved, she said.

“Many people keep all the letters and cards they received in a box so they can go back to them at a later date and read them again and again. Don’t worry if you don’t write in the first week—do it anyway. Writing after the funeral has taken place is also fine. It’s nice for the bereaved to hear that a funeral or memorial service was appreciated by friends and relatives.”

One of Caroline’s suggestions is to use plain writing paper or if you choose to send a card, select a blank one. She says that sending cards with messages such as: “thinking of you,” can make it look as if you didn’t know what to say.

Choosing the right words can be hard, but by sticking to some simple guidelines, you can avoid saying the wrong thing. So what is the right thing to write? She suggests: “Tell your friend that you were saddened to hear about the death of their partner. Use the partner’s name, say what they meant to you —what a good friend they were, or how much fun.