By Bunmi Sofola

JUST when does a long term relationship   become a nightmare? For 18 years, Salewa was under the illusion she had a happy marriage. The three children of the marriage were doing well in school and her husband’s job as a civil servant augmented what she made as an importer of household goods which she sold wholesale. With proceeds from her business, she was able to develop the plot of land she inherited from her dead father. The whole family moved in and life continued as normal.

Then, about six years ago, Mark, her husband got a managerial job in a reputable firm and his confidence soared. He invested in some smart suits and his grooming became more sophisticated. He started clinging to his mobile phone as if it were a life-line. When he was in a room, he’d rest it on the arm of his chair but if he got up to do something, he’d slip it into his pocket. Often, he’d go out under the pretext of filling his car with petrol so as not to waste valuable time on his way to work the next day. The filling station was only a few minutes away but Mark was always gone for more than an hour. He always had an excuse for coming home late. By this time, Salewa had started suspecting Mark was up to something. According to her: “Things came to a head a few days after I returned from one of my business trips. I came home one evening and he wasn’t there. The house-help gave me a letter he left for me. He was no longer happy in our marriage, the letter said, and he had left to ‘clear his head.’ He assured me no woman was involved. But I later discovered he’d been seeing someone else in his office for sometime.

“I had my pride if he didn’t have any and I coped with dignity after he left. The children had their own life to live, but I encouraged them to see their dad. I tried talking to him a few times, but his fancy woman will take the phone and yell at me to move on with my life as Mark was now hers. In the end, he cut himself off from me. If I called him for help or advice, he’ d hang up. When our only son turned into drugs, he refused to intervene, leaving me to cope with his rehabilitation. Thank God my son was snatched back from the brink.

“Mark’s woman eventually turned out to be bad news. When she realized that I was the one who really controlled the purse-string, she kicked him out when his cash ran dry.

“It was his close friend, who

agreed for him to move to his guest chalet, that informed me of his predicament. I bet he was hoping I would take him back so he could have his privacy. He said Mark was really miserable, depressed and confessed he still loved me, but I didn’t feel the same way about him. This was a man who deserted me and the children for this opportunist of a woman, now wanting to crawl back. What would have happened if I hadn’t held my grief and anger at bay and focused on my business and the children? He hung around his mistress as she rained abuses on me, never giving a thought to the probability of the music changing.

“Did he give a thought to the terrible hurt and shock I felt when he abruptly left the family home—and my great pain when he seemed unwilling to help especially with our only son? But this friend of his sought the help of other friends who pleaded we should at least meet to discuss the possibility of our coming together again. I talked with our children and they said I should do what I deemed fit. I eventually agreed for us to meet, but the man he is now with wasn’t the husband I married. I didn’t feel any love for him. Of course, I missed the love and marriage we once had, but all that have been replaced by anger and disgust. I also have a new sense of independence that would get in the way of us having a future together. I can’t turn the clock back and pretend he hadn’t deserted us. If the woman hadn’t kicked him out, he wouldn’t come groveling to be taken back. My husband did a terrible thing to his family and was cruel and uncaring for a long time. But like his mistress advised all those years back, I have moved on….”