Relationships

April 23, 2017

Let your grown-up sons give your violent lover a dose of his medicine!

Let your grown-up sons give your violent lover a dose of his medicine!

By Bunmi Sofola

WHEN Joju met Mark, her second husband seven years ago at an end- of-year party a friend invited her to, she was very cautions. At 38, she’d been widowed for close to six years and a mum to two sons aged 15 and 13.

“I’d had a few dodgy relationships since my husband died,” she said, “and at 38, wasn’t really in the mood for any man to walk in and out of my life again. I wanted a stable relationship even if it wasn’t going to lead to marriage.

“Mark was a couple of years older, a divorcee with quite good looks and a responsible job. He’d spare no expense at wooing me and I was flattered. Could this be it? He had three children from his first marriage and they lived with his ex. I’d seen them on and off at Mark’s house and they seemed well- behaved to me. Mark also had a cordial relationship with his ex. Too cordial for an ex, who allegedly cheated on him.

“ After we got married in a quiet registry do, I moved into his house with my children. It was an ideal relationship except for one thing – Mark’s ex-wife. She was always on the phone wanting one favour or the other for the children. Whenever she called, Mark would rush to her place with loads of goodies meant for the children or with a couple of artisans to do odd jobs at her place. At first, I didn’t mind, after all, we were newly weds, savouring the delights of being madly in love. Gradually though, I began seething with jealousy. ‘Are you really that interested in those kids that much, or is your ex the attraction?’ I used to ask him whenever he got ready for yet another visit to his ex.

“Often times, when we were alone in bed, his phone would beep with text messages from her. I’d bristled. It was like she’d just found her way into our bedroom. It was one thing him being a good dad, a different kettle of fish that he was still tied to her. Seeing how insecure I was, Mark started attacking my confidence. ‘Why are you always running down the mother of my children?

‘He would shout whenever I protested his constant runs to his ex’s place, ‘do you think you’re more important to me than her and my children? I don’t begrudge your children living with us, so back off!’ I would remind him that I was the one financially responsible for my children’s upkeep and that really got him mad.

“He started becoming jealous of the way I dressed, the friends I kept and often referred to me as a cold-hearted bitch! Where was all that love he pretended he had to give? His violent ways manifested the day he came back from the office and met me wearing a rather daring but fetching trousers suit to go to a friend’s 40th birthday party. ‘All you care about is looking good isn’t it?,’ he sneered. ‘You just love yourself too much. You couldn’t even wait for me to have my meals before you leave the house’. I was getting a bit irritated by now. He had refused to come to the party with me saying he would be busy in the office. I wasn’t even expecting him when he showed up. I started arguing back and he suddenly attacked my dress, rippling the top to bits. I was shocked, by the time my two sons came back to the house, the place was all smashed up.

“Their presence seemed to bring Mark down to earth and he stormed off. I really looked a fright and my sons’ faces were like granite, they knew we argued a lot – but for things to come to actual battering was too much for them to understand. I felt really ashamed that I’d been degraded that much. When he came back late in the night, he was full of apologies, promising to replace my torn clothes and to make peace with my sons. A few weeks later at about five in the morning, his phone beeped as usual and this time, I read the message: Could you come down with the money on your way to work? Love x. Love?

“What love from an ex-wife? I shook him violently awake. “Your love is texting you at 5 O’clock in the morning,” I yelled, engulfed with jealousy and anger. He looked ready for another fight and I threw his mobile phone at him. It landed smack on his head and I flounced into the kitchen. Hearing his footsteps, I turned to give him a piece of my mind when I suddenly saw stars – he’d given me a huge slap on the face! As I tried to hold on to him, he continued pummelling me until I crashed to the floor. The abusive words he hurled at me were really hurtful.

“It was  then I saw my two strapping sons – one had a huge stick in his hand and wacked him on the head with it. Before he realised what hit him, the two of them charged at him and it was scary to see the extent of their fury.” ‘Touch our mum again’, the eldest yelled, ‘and you’ll be dead, I assure you’, whacking him all over some more. He certainly looked half dead by now and I told my sons to get out of the house. I ached all over but managed to get into my car to drive all of us to my mum’s. By the time he came back to the house, I’d moved most of my things out of the nightmarish place I once called my matrimonial home. Now I was out of his hair, I thought, he would have all the time for his ex.

“1 was actually shocked when he started making moves for me to come back! Come back to what? What had really changed and how could a man be so nice and loving one minute and turn into a monster the next?

I certainly didn’t want my sons exposed to violence and the way they turned up their nose whenever Mark’s name cropped up, I knew they wouldn’t come with me, if I decided to go back. My sons ar my life, and I won’t give them up for a monster who could easily have maimed or killed me but for their intervention.

Do Men Experience The Menopause?

Not too long ago, European researchers announced the first symptoms shown to be linked to the male menopause. Before this, there was much debate about whether men really did experience the menopause like women.

Symptoms: Over the years many symptoms experienced by men in their middle years have been linked to the male menopause. The theory was that a dip in the male hormone testosterone in men aged between 40 and 50 caused arixiety, depression, tiredness and a drop in sexual performance. But in this study only three symptoms were linked to low testosterone levels.

These were:-

Sexual symptoms: Fewer morning erections, difficulty maintaining an erection and fewer sexual thoughts.

Physical Performance: Being unable to do vigorous activity like running or lifting heavy objects, the inability to walk one kilometre and difficulty bending down.

Psychological Symptoms: Loss of energy, sadness and fatigue: Symptoms such as anxiety, insomnia and poor concentration were not shown to be linked to low testosterone but may be precipitated by the adjustment to middle life that men have to go through.

Treatment: So the male menopause does appear to exist but only two per cent of the 3,300 men tested in the study had symptoms linked to low testosterone, showing it’s very rare.

This study helps identify the men who will benefit from testosterone replacement and those who won’s as the hormone has been linked to prostate cancer.

If you’re over 40 and experiencing all the three sexual symptoms and maybe some of the non-sexual ones too it’s worth asking your GP to check your testosterone levels. If they are low then you may benefit from testosterone replacement treatment. This can be done by tablets or patches.