By Bunmi Sofola

What exactly does the term ‘golden couple’ mean to you? Lovers who are so in-tuned with each other neither of them could hurt the other? Even if there were differences, do they gloss over them, promising to love each other for ever? Or do you see the average couple putting up a facade to the world while throwing daggers at each other in private? The day Denike, a niece, showed up at my place with Dauda the boyfriend, she’d raved about for months, it was all I could do to voice out my disapproval,. Denike works in the accounts department of a bank whilst Dauda was said to be a ‘contractor’, whatever that meant!

He was all over Denike, agreeing with most of what she said and virtually shoving food into her mouth from the spread on the dinning table. If he thought I would be flattered by his efforts to show me how much he cared for my niece, he was buttering up the wrong person. People like him, I can read like a book and he looked like bad news to me.

For the next eleven months, the affair tottered between strong and faltering depending on Dauda’s mood. When Denike informed me she’d about had enough of him, I encouraged her to kick him out of her life. Before she did, things took a dramatic turn. “I once found out he had no real contract he was into,” she fumed. “Most of the time, he was at my place. He was very thoughtful and attentive at first. He’d come to the office where I worked, and bring me lunch he’d bought from an eatery. His excuse was that he had a contract he was executing a few minute’s walk from my office and it was convenient for him to pop up with lunch for me. When I insisted on knowing where he worked so I could reciprocate the gesture, he told me he was winding up the next day. It was a close friend of his who told me he hadn’t worked for a long time because he had no real skill nor capital to work with.

“He went to the university alright, but failed to tell me he didn’t complete his course. I’d had it and I confronted him when next he showed up at my place. ‘I thought you wouldn’t want anything more to do with me if I told you I was looking for work,’ he whined. ‘I’ve just landed a contractual job and I should be fine now.’ He sounded so upset that I softened. I was in love with the creep and agreed we should give things “another go. Unfortunately, my finding out about who he really was had now made him insecure. If I mentioned any man at work, he’d yell at me: ‘It’s obvious both of you are sleeping together.’ I told him not to be ridiculous but his possessiveness continued.

“Last Valetine’s Day, I made the effort to make his favourite food and after we’d had the wine, we decided to end things in the bedroom. As I cuddled up to him after we’d made love, he suddenly shoved me away. ‘You were faking it,’ he yelled. ‘I could tell. The noise you made was different from the one you usually make!’ ‘What are you talking about,’ 1 gasped, puzzled. ‘Your sex noises sounded different! You’re sleeping with someone else. I could tell!’ I couldn’t believe what I was bearing. But he wouldn’t let it rest. Every time we slept together, something was different or wrong.

“I started to avoid sex, but that just made him more suspicious and insecure. Things were now so tense between us I started to wonder what we were doing together. We’d been together close to a year and although I still loved him, I found myself looking forward to the evenings he was either working late or with his mates.

“One Saturday, 1 had a family get-together he didn’t feel like attending because he wanted to sleep off a hangover. When I came home, all the dirty dishes he used were in the sink. the bed was unmade and he was glued to the telly, watching sports. 1 was livid. ‘Couldn’t you have tried to tidy up your mess’, 1 yelled, expecting him to make a joke of it. Instead, he leapt at me, grabbed me by the throat and slammed me against the fridge. ‘You’ve been cheating on me, you trollop!’ he bellowed. ‘Who’ve you been with this time around?’ By this time, his hands were tightening around my throat.  I couldn’t breathe, never mind speak. He suddenly let me go, but started punching and kicking me, sending “me crashing to the lino on the floor.

“I screamed for help, hoping my neighbours would come to my rescue. Somehow, I scrambled to my feet as he flew at me again. This time, my survival instinct had kicked in. I kicked him in the groin, aiming particularly at his tackles then head-butted him. He screamed and doubled up in pain and I seized the chance to escape through the kitchen “door. I took a cab to my parents’ house and dad took me to the family doctor. I was badly bruised and as my wounds were being tended to, I wondered how someone who was supposed to love me could hurt me this much.

“Dad finally took me home in case he was still lurking around but there was no sign of Dauda. My place had been ransacked and food was strewn across the kitchen, some of my clothes had been cut off and the sides of my black leather bed had been slashed. Dad was furious and got him arrested the next day but his family and friends pleaded and agreed to pay for some of the damages. He gave an undertaking to the police he wouldn’t pester me again. I was relieved – I never want to see or hear from him again. A man who analyses the noises you make during sex isn’t very stable. Why didn’t I realise this until it was too late?”

Domestic violence cases are on the increase and sadly, women too are guilty of this horrible crime. In the last few years, several domestic related violent deaths have been reported. Partners who deliberately cause you pain are not in love with you – they are psychiatric case which you don’t have the expertise to fix. Your best defence is to keep“a lot of distance between you and such a partner. Sadly a lot of victims stay with violent partners either believing such partners will change or they have been brainwashed by their abusive brutes that they might never find another partner who ‘loves’ them just as much as they do.

Thankfully, a lot of concerned NGOs are helping victims analyse their situations enough to find the courage to leave a volatile relationship. One of such groups is: Project Alert. Their phone numbers are: 01- 4737270; 0805 200 4693. You can also send an email to: “[email protected] or log on to their website: www.projectalertnig.org.

Your life is as much important as your abuser’s – if not more. You live for love, not die because of it.

You Can’t Clap With One Hand! (Humour)

A group of 50 soldiers are fed up after spending weeks in enemy territory. To entertain them, the Major hires a sexy dancer from the nearby town. She comes on stage and the soldiers go mad for her first dance and clap for five minutes. For her second number, she strips and dances in a sheer bra and G-string. This time they clap for 10 minutes. Next, she dances topless, and the applause goes on for so long the Major has to ask for calm before the grand finale.

For her last number, she strips completely and dances naked. The Major expects the soldiers to bring the roof down. But 10 minutes “later there’s no clapping whatsoever. So backstage … ‘What’s happened?’ “the major asks the dancer. ‘How come there was no clapping at the “end?! Well,’ she purrs, ‘how do you expect those poor boys to clap with “just one hand?’