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He says I can’t give him all the sex he needs

Dear Bunmi,

I’m in my early thirties and the mother of two kids with a third one on the way.Since the birth of my first child six years ago, I’ve completely lost interest in sex. This is causing real problems between me and my husband. Although I don’t enjoy sex, I have it with my husband at least twice a week. I feel it’s my duty and I don’t want todisappoint him.

I love him a lot. He is a brilliant husband and father but sometimes I feel all he thinks about is sex.

My friends advised I work hard at getting back my sex drive but isn’t sex supposedto be spontaneous? Or am I being selfish?Sex isn’t a big thing with me but my husband has quite a high sex drive. He says he feels rejected and inadequate.

Barbra, by e-mail.

Dear Barbra,

You adore your husband and until you become a mum, you welcomed his passion.

He’s fathered the children you both wanted and is naturally bewildered that you no longer welcome his sexual embrace.

Are you surprised that he feels rejected and inadequate? You need to reassure him that he is all you want in a man – even for sex; but let him know you’ve temporarily lost sexual desire.

You have sex on tap now; that is, you just sleep there and probably think of the washing, but this is not lovemaking.

To fake an interest in lovemaking is a betrayal of trust. Sex drives are not constant. A man who feels stressed may reduce love making to almost nil, sometimes for years.

Losing interest in sex after birth could even have to do with post-natal depression which you should address.

You still love your husband, now share that affection with him. Gradually, make him your friend and not always see him as a man ready to ravish your body.

With time, the spontaneity of your desire will return.

 


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