By Aunty Julie

Dear Julie,

My husband and I appear to have the perfect marriage and family that everyone wanted. In fact, many people said so. The truth is, it was not as great as they or I thought. He is successful in his job and his colleagues speak very highly of him. By chance, I discovered that he had been sending sexually explicit photographs to a woman he works with. I had met her a couple of times but never thought she could rival me for my husband’s affection.

He says he has broken off contact, but I still think about her all the time. How can I trust him again. He would describe other people doing this sort of thing as very seedy, so why would he do it. If he had been going out with her, that would have made more sense. I hate the thought of him sending pornographic photos to another woman. I now ask myself, do I really know him. How can I move on.

Bidemi, Delta

Dear Bidemi,

Sexting is so foolish and so high risk apart from being caught out, it can have far wider consequences. The photographs could end up on internet, especially if a relationship is ended against someone’s will. That person often wants to take revenge and might even circulate it at work, which would be hugely embarrassing.

Most people would be devastated if they discovered their partner sexting and your husband has let you down. Tell him how hurt and betrayed you feel and talk about why he did it. Hopefully, he can reassure you that it went no further. It does undermine trust and that takes time to rebuild.

If you’re the kind of person for which cheating completely dashes your trust in someone; if it’s going to make you crazy with worry and suspicion; if you’re going to start snooping and lashing out; if it’s going to do negative things for your mental health, then you’re likely not going to be able to make a relationship work.

Some people can forgive and forget. So ask yourself if you think you can. Can you not snoop through his phone? Can you be at peace when you don’t know where he might be going or with whom? Will you eventually stop worrying about his straying? And, for his part, does he make a concerted effort to change?

Can you tell that he’s dedicated to the marriage? Does he seem remorseful? Is he making strides to really and truly become a more evolved person in your marriage? These are questions you can answer through time, observation and in therapy. Your answers to them will determine whether or not you two can make this work.