By Aunty Julie

Dear Julie,

My husband and I are constantly falling out over the disciplining of our 15-year -old daughter and 16-year-old son. He is always getting at them for trivial things such as taking selfies or not washing up a coffee mug.

If I ask him not to, he accuses me of not supporting him. The latest bone of contention is our son’s spiky hair. He shouted at him and told him not to go out like that. When I stood up for my son, he shouted at me. My son gets very angry with his father and says he can’t wait to leave home and go to university.

Aisha, Abuja

Dear Aisha,

Part of being a teenager is to push for independence and the freedom to do things their way. As a parent, you have to find the right path between being too strict or rigid and abdicating responsibility with no restrictions or guidelines. If your husband objects to your son’s spiky hair, it only makes it more appealing. When parents scream or yell at teenage children, it just escalates the argument and pushes them to get even angrier.

Your husband is also jeopardising his father-son relationship. Talk to him and explain that if your son feels listened to and valued, he will be more prepared to negotiate. If your husband puts up with the trivial things such as spiky hair, your son is far more likely to listen to him over issues that really matter, such as saying no to drugs or not drinking too much. Loving but firm guidelines work better on teenagers than authoritarian attitudes.