At what point in your relationship do you come up with the idea that an affair could give your love life a boost? Simisola’s been married for 14 years to a man she described as her best friend. “And I still love him,” she assured me. “Mentally, we’re in the same _place, but there is a problem – our love life is virtually non-existent. He works away from home a lot and in the last few years his interest in the physical side of our relationship has dropped off, making me feel desperately unhappy and unattractive.
‘Things took a turn for the ‘hopeful’ early last year when I went with a couple of friends to a new restaurant very close to the office. There were a lot of men there and my friends were friendly with quite a few. After lunch, we stayed for a few drinks and it was soon obvious that the men on our table were game for anything. They were all married and had no intention of breaking up with their wives, but
like me, they wouldn’t say no to a no-strings-attached sex. This was a new, exciting world I’d been dying to be part of.
“I didn’t make any hasty decisions. It was obvious my two friends were already ‘attached’ and I had to be careful not to step on toes. Also, if I wanted an affair, I wanted my lover to be understanding and intelligent, not sleazy. I wanted him to love and respect his wife, in the same way I loved and respected my husband. So after visiting the restaurant a few times, I got to know Andy and we later agreed to have a date away from the restaurant. We met for drinks and we both talked glowingly about our spouses. And we both made it clear from the outset we wouldn’t be leaving our marriages. And when we were away from each other, there was no obligation to call or text.
“Because we’d laid our cards on the table right from the word go, the sex, when we eventually had it, was exciting and uninhibited. Now, almost a year, I still see Andy. Our relationship works because we’re able to distinguish between love and sex. I’m lucky I can do that. I know a lot of women can’t. The affair has really boosted my confidence and is helping my marriage because I feel sexy and desirable again. It’s like getting foreplay from my lover, then sex from my husband. Now the time I spend with my husband doesn’t have a cloud of tension hanging over it all the time. I’m more patient and loving because my need are fulfilled.
“A lot of relationships fail because the physical side breaks down – but the qualities that made you fall for that person in the first place are still there. “My husband and children mean the world to me and I wouldn’t walk out on that. Of course my husband has no idea what’s going on, but he can see I’m much happier, though there are times when I wonder if one day he’ll ask me why, but I’ll cross that bridge if and when I get to it. For me, having sex with another man isn’t about finding another marriage – it’s about finding an outlet for your sexual frustrations, so you can make your existing relationship work.” For the 16 years they were married, Paul and Florence worked hard to build a secured future for their children. “As soon as we had enough money saved,” Paul said, “we got a plot of land in a good estate and started building a house of our dreams. We moved in a few years later to a wing of the house whilst the other wing consisting of two three-bedroomed flats was let. Our three children were healthy and doing well in school and it was then it dawned on us we’d grown apart. We were doing things separately and didn’t have sex at all. As we had our three young children to consider, we decided on a ‘non-divorce’ separation – we could both stay in the same house but lead separate lives.
“It was a hard decision to make and I missed the closeness of being with a woman. So, I let a few of my close friends know I was up for some loving. It wasn’t long before I met women I could relate to – professionals who don’t want clingy men spoiling their fun. The sex has been eye-opening. I feel like a man again. My wife and I have a rota that allows me to go out whenever I feel like it and she knows not to contact me on my days out. We never discuss what the other does, yet she must know I’m meeting other women. A few of my friends know but not many. I want to protect our children.
“I hate affairs and I’m a very moral person. But I’m not betraying my wife because technically, we’re not together any more. I just enjoy meeting people like me who don’t want to break up their families. Lately though, I’ve noticed my wife sprucing herself up and going out more on her own. I don’t ask for details of her outing. All I tell her was that I didn’t want any scandal and that the children’s happiness comes first.”
But what if she met another man and asked for a divorce, I asked him. “I don’t think things would get to that stage. I mean, how many men would want to take on a woman with three children? Moreover, our house is jointly owned, and I don’t think she would be foolish to walk away from all the fmancial security she has for a fling. So our situation suits us both.”