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I slept with my brother-in-law!

Dear Bunmi,

My husband and I have been living together for about four years and have been married for three years. We have a daughter we both adore.

But when I fell in love with him, I was going out with his younger brother. It was a relaxed relationship and we never discussed marriage until his brother came along. I know we hurt him badly when we got married but he always told me he wanted me back and that he’d always love me. Unfortunately, there have been days when I’ve felt that leaving him was a terrible mistake. He was a wonderful man and treated me like I was special.

About a year ago, my husband and I had one of our steamy rows and I ended up having sex with his brother. It was mind-blowing. We’ve since been sleeping together but my ex is now seeing another woman and I’m feeling jealous.

I still care deeply for him but going back to him would hurt too many people. We’ve stopped sleeping together because this new girl is always in his flat! I feel so empty, especially knowing I can’t really have him.

By E-mail

Dear Boma,
Whatever attraction you must have for these brothers, remember you made your choice four years ago to be with your husband; causing the three of you some emotional pain. You now have a happy family with the brother you chose as your husband. Sleeping with an ex you know still cares for you, was reckless and selfish and cruel to him. Having casual sex or an affair is not a remedy for reletionship blues.

Our jealousy when an admirer shifts his or her adoration to someone who can return their love, can be intense. That’s why you now feel second best and bereft. You see, you can’t eat your cake and have it. You’ve made your choice, now stick with it and do nothing that will undermine your ex’s new-found happiness.

He hurts my feelings

Dear Bunmi,
I have strong feelings for a man although we’ve never been out. He comes into the restaurant where I work as a waitress, usually on his own during lunch time. He always smiles at me and is really friendly and he doesn’t wear a wedding ring. I believed he would ask me out soon but instead, he came into the restaurant one night last week with a woman.

She was wearing a wedding ring and it was obvious they were an item.
I was so upset that I avoided serving their table but he called me over to introduce his lady friend. He didn’t describe her as his wife, but I thought it odd that he would introduce me, given our relationship. He was kissing and they seemed close even though he looked across and smiled at me a few times. I’m confused. What’s going on? Is he trying to make me jealous?

By E-mail

Dear Jackie,
You don’t say how old you are but you’re quite young and inexperienced judging by the tone  of your letter. All that’s happened here is you’ve mistaken friendliness for romantic interest. You thought love was blossoming, he thought he was making pleasant conversation with a friendly waitress.

It doesn’t really matter if the woman he brought to the restaurant is his wife, lover on someone he met the night before. The fact is, he was with her and didn’t for a second think it would upset you. Which means he sees you as a friend or a friendly waitress. What you’re feeling isn’t love. It’s infatuation and you’ll get over this quicker than you think.

My female friends always want more

Dear Bunmi,
I find it easy to interact with women and have a lot of female friends. Unfortunately, they all keep falling for me. I don’t think I’m anything special and I don’t think I lead them on, but they think I want more than friendship. I then don’t know what to say because I don’t want to hurt them. In the past, I’ve even slept with a few, simply because I don’t know what else to do, but then they want a proper relationship and it ends horribly. I don’t want to stop being friends with women, so how can I stop the friendship being misconstrued?

By E-mail

Dear Lawrence,
It’s either you’re so delicious to look at that women can’t help themselves or you send out flirty signals without realizing it. Do you make it clear from the start that you’re simply interested in friendship? Because if you’re meeting women, then asking them out and just expecting them to realize that’s all that’s  on offer, you can understand their confusion.

So make things clear from the onset the next time. Talk about any current girlfriends or ask your girl mate’s advice about someone you’re pursuing (if you’re not, just make it up). Ask her about her love life, if she has a boyfriend, if not, what’s her type because you have some single friends she might like to meet etc.

Do the same with girls you’re already friends with. If they still hit on you after this, you’re too gorgeous to be put in the friend group and have no choice but to see your girlfriends with a sexy model or actress on your arm!


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