Dear Bunmi,

I’ve been with my current girlfriend for two years and she told me a few days ago that she often had multiple orgasms with a man she used to date before we met. With me she only orgasms once. She was almost bragging about this comparison and I felt really hurt. I don’t understand why she had them with this ex and not with me.

If she’s capable of having multiple orgasms, with her ex, why isn’t it happening with us as well? I’m sure I’m a good lover and I must be doing something right to make her orgasm in the first place.

I’ve asked her what he did to make her have more than one orgasm and she became flippant about it and said she wished she hadn’t told me because I was clearly uptight about it. Well, I am! I don’t think its fair to compare us both to my face. I don’t tell her about past lovers and how good they were in bed. I particularly don’t think it’s fair to tell me and then not let me in on the secret. Is there something I can do to make her orgasm more or is it something that just happens on its own?

Yusuf,
By E-mail.

Dear Yusuf,
As you’ve discovered to your chagrin, women are far more demanding in bed these days and they expect and want to be satisfied. But it’s only a good thing if they let men in on the secret of how to deliver what they want. What was the point of teiling you some other guy gave her multiple orgasms without telling you how he did it? All that does is knock your confidence. Shame on her.

If she won’t tell you however, I’ll let you in on what sex experts advise. Multiple orgasms don’t just happen by chance. It all has to do with how she’s stimulated. There’s no real mystery about it at all. Women can give themselves multiple orgasms (the famous sexologists, Masters and Johnson, found some women could clock up 50 consecutive orgasms with a vibrator), or you can do it for her. Orgasms, multiple or otherwise, are simply the release of tension built up through pleasurable stimulation. The blood pumps to the genitals, builds up pressure, then gets released back into the bloodstream. The feeling of orgasm is simply the blood rushing back into the rest of our body.

If you want to give your girlfriend a second (or third or fourth) orgasm, you simply continue with stimulation rather than stop after she comes the first time. Men lose their erections quickly after that happens and go into a ‘refractory period’ – an interval of time that needs to pass before he can get an erection again. But it takes far longer for a woman to return to her normal state and this is why it’s often easier for her to have a second orgasm quickly after her first. She is still engorged and her body is still loaded with sex hormones.

The experts explain further that there are two tricks to pulling this off. Don’t stop when she’s had her first orgasm. Even if she’s super sensitive and can’t stand you to touch her directly, keep stimulating other parts. Kiss her neck, massage her breasts, stroke her inner thigh – anything to keep her sexual system engaged. The second trick: use different stimulation for each orgasm .If she had her first orgasm through your tongue, use your fingers next time around. Whether or not you want to put in that much effort after the way she’s handled this is up to you!

My girl is a freeloader!

Dear Bunmi,
My girlfriend holds a managerial position in a fairly big company and earns more than I do but she never puts her hand in her pocket to pay for anything we share together – either a meal or drinks. She goes on and on about equal rights for women but expects me to pay for everything! Half of the time, she doesn’t even say thank – you. How can I get her to stop being such a free loader?

Yusuf,
By E-mail

Dear Yusuf,
I totally sympathies with you as there are lots of women these days who insist on buying rounds even when they’re out with male friends. They also pay their way in a relationship.

Your girlfriend is setting a bad example for the rest of us. It’s a bit annoying when women say they want gender equality then pick and choose the bits they want to adopt. It’s especially not fair if she earns more than you do. Speak up now. Tell her if she’s a true feminist, it’s ridiculous to assume the man should always foot the bill. When next you go out, agree on what to spend and how much she will contribute towards the expense.

After 16 years with him I want to move on

Dear Bunmi,
My partner and I have been together for 16 years, but we’ve achieved nothing in that time. We still don’t live together and to be honest, I don’t trust him. I know he’s cheating on me as he often gets sexy texts from girls. I no longer want to stay with him, but I’m scared to go. I don’t know if I have the strength to leave.

Michelle,
By E-mail

Dear Michelle,
Believe me, you have the strength to leave your partner. If you didn’t you’d still be finding reasons to stay and making excuses why you shouldn’t leave. But you’ve finally made your decision – you know you need to go and that means you’re ready to take action.

Of course you’re scared, leaving a long relationship is a terrifying thing to do. But know deep in your heart it’s right. 16 years is far too long to be marking time. Plus you know this guy is bad for you and you could do a lot better. No doubt, it’ll be hard, but you can do it. Get your family and friends on your side and, if necessary, seek counseling to help boost your confidence. In a year from now, you’ll be wondering why on earth it tookyou so long to make a move.