By Helen Ovbiagele, Woman Editor

I felt sad when I read on the internet that a young lady in her 20s attempted to take her life because her boyfriend left her a note saying that he was ending their relationship because he no longer found her attractive.

They had met at a work event and it was an instant attraction for him, but she was a bit wary and wanted just friendship, but he pursued her relentlessly until she began to thaw and started to like his company. He was charming and fun to be with; a good friend. Her parents liked him too, so, when she told them they were going to rent a place and live together they had no excuse to disapprove. Love must have its way, they reasoned. They settled into the relationship and began to plan for the future.

“Her whole life became wrapped up in him,” lamented her mum, as the daughter lay semi-conscious in a hospital. “He has a great sense of humour and was quick with ready jokes. We liked him. But, about 18 months into the relationship, we noticed our daughter was becoming a bag of nerves.

Her self-confidence was going and she was forever wondering if he would approve this or that. We didn’t interfere, but we wondered about the change. He wasn’t visibly controlling, but he used verbal abuse to erode and destroy her self-confidence and self-worth. He derided all those things he used to say made her attractive.

She’s normally a fashion-conscious slim person, with a terrific figure, but he would sneer and tell her she looked too bony and shapeless. She began to load herself with heavy-calorie foods and drinks in a bid to fill out and earn his approval. All to no avail. He would tell her his female colleagues dressed better and looked more attractive.” “It was all very sad,” added her father. “Our daughter became a shadow of her old vibrant and cheerful self. She totally lost her self-confidence, as she sought to live life according to his dictates. She tried her very best, and now this! He’s a scoundrel! Good riddance to bad rubbish, I say.”

When her friends contacted him to tell him what had happened because of the cruel way he ended their two- year relationship, he didn’t feel any concern. He said that to him, she was history, and that he hadn’t done anything wrong. He had found someone else whom he had fallen in love with, and he has moved on. He didn’t see why he should be bothered with news of her.

Comments on the story denounced the man as a callous devilish man who should be quartered and cast out to the lions to devour.

“Even if he no longer loves her, news that she tried to kill herself should have moved him to saying nice things about her, just to encourage her distraught parents and relatives,” reasoned someone.

“I hope the new woman he’s with is taking note of his awful behaviour,” said another.

“It could be her turn next. Here’s a man who’s so insecure and lacking in confidence that he has to destroy another human being in order to feel good. He should go rot in hell.” “Poor girl! She should thank God for sparing her life instead of wishing that devil of a man back in her life. She should pull herself together and find out what God spared her life for. It certainly wasn’t so that she would go back to more cruelty from the monster. She deserves better.”

There were some other pretty strong comments, but there was one lone voice who put the blame on the lady.

“How on earth did this lady allow the man to treat her with such disdain and wickedness, when he initiated the relationship because he found her irresistible?” Asked this person. “When he began to criticise her and taunt her wickedly, she should have got out of the relationship fast and there and then. I blame her for staying on, and hoping to do things which would win his approval. She should have known straightaway that he was a bundle of insecurity and confusion, in spite of his charming ways, and he simply wanted someone he could put down in order to feel good. She allowed herself to be a doormat, and he certainly wiped his feet on her.”

At first, I thought this wasn’t a fair and kind comment, but on further reflection, I agreed with every word he/she said.

I once heard an elderly lady say, ‘In a relationship and even in marriage, if you behave like a servant, you will be treated like a servant.

If, combined with good behaviour and a sense of responsibility you put a good worth on yourself, other people can’t put you down, no matter how hard they try. They would be forced to accord you some respect, even if it’s grudgingly.”

How true! Right from an early age, girls do things to gain the approval of members of the opposite sex. Many of them dress and behave the way they think will make boys admire them. It’s not unusual to find teenage girls gather in a group to discuss what boys like and what they don’t like in girls. They never once think of what they would like to do to please themselves. It’s like they were created solely with the aim of living a life to please the man in their lives.

There’s nothing wrong in doing positive things, like acquiring good habits, values and behaviour, in order to be pleasing to the man in your life. But first and foremost, the reason behind their acquisition, should be your desire to give yourself a qualitative life, which pleases you. You eat sensibly to maintain a good figure so that trendy outfits can sit well on you, and you look good for yourself. The results you see of all your efforts to improve yourself academically, physically, spiritually, financially, etc. is what should boost your confidence. Not what people say of you or to you.

Compliments from other people should only be an added bonus to what you feel about yourself. Your total happiness and desire to stay alive shouldn’t hinge on the  compliments you receive. Without being vain and conceited, thoughts of what you are and how you look should make you feel contented with yourself, after you’ve done your best. If after this someone decides to deride and mock your efforts, well, that’s too bad for him/her. You can’t help their feelings, you move on with your life.

Girls should be brought up from an early age to believe in themselves.

They should be exposed to the right training and education which would make them financially independent to a certain extent in life, and also helped to build up their own self-confidence in their ability to handle their lives well.
Some girls are so lacking in self-confidence that they are ready to do the bidding of any young man who shows interest in them and flatters them.

Their whole life hangs on the man’s opinion of them, and when at last he gets tired of them and leaves them, they are devastated to the point that they may feel that life is no longer worth living ..