By Douglas Anele

The problem of knowing fellow human beings and ourselves adequately is as old as the time when Homo sapiens emerged on earth. It was what led to the Socratic dictum: “man know thyself.” Adequate investigation of the phenomenon of man will require a very lengthy treatise.

Nevertheless, as Fromm averred in his book cited earlier, the only way to have full knowledge of a person lies in the act of love which goes beyond thought and words. It is the daring, rationally-guided, plunge into the experience of union. Thus, psychological knowledge is a sine qua non for adequate knowledge predicated on love. This means that a couple in love must know each other in-depth in order to see themselves objectively and overcome the illusion, irrationality, and distorted picture they might have.

No doubt, the four essential ingredients of love we highlighted earlier constitute a connected web of attitudes which can be found in a mature productive person. Therefore, love is the overcoming of human separateness, the fulfillment of craving for union. Now, on a more fundamental biological level, and still relying on the authority of Fromm, it can be argued that love is the desire for union between the masculine and the feminine poles.

The concept of male-female polarisation is evident in various religious myths that depict man and woman as one originally, that they were cut in half, and from then on each male has been seeking for the lost female part of himself in order to unite again with her. Notice that this myth resonates with the biblical legend of Eve being made from Adam’s rib. It is remarkable that in the irrational spirit of male chauvinism, the female is subordinated to the male. Most people do not know that physiologically a man and a woman each has the hormones of the opposite sex, they are also psychologically bisexual.

According to Fromm, “Man – and woman – finds union within himself only in the union of his female and male polarity. This polarity is the basis of all creativity.” Fromm’s thesis implies that the homosexual or lesbian cannot attain polarised union. But, it is hard to accept that the union is truly the basis of all creativity, because of the incredible achievements of homosexuals – and lesbians – such as Alan Turing, Elton John and many others.

Anyway, isn’t it amazing that many things in nature can be looked at from the prism of male-female polarity – night and day, light and darkness, matter and spirit, left and right etc? Having dealt with the scientific or theoretical dimension of love in the preceding paragraphs, the practical aspect, or love as an art, shall occupy our attention from this point. Love, properly so-called, is a capacity of the mature productive character. Consequently, the potential to love in any given cultural environment is a function of the influence that culture has on the character of the average person.

In contemporary societies dominated by the frenetic race for primitive accumulation and irresistible craving for material success, genuine love is steadily dying out. Human beings are increasingly alienated from themselves, from their neighbours and from nature itself. All kinds of pseudo-love now masquerade as real love. For instance, when two people, supposedly, are in love, one of them may begin to idolise the loved one: he becomes alienated from his own inner powers and projects them unto the loved one as the summum bonum of love.

Of course, this idolatry can be mutual, and, it is usually misinterpreted and celebrated by people as the apogee of true love. But, surely, disappointment is bound to rear its ugly head here, because the idolised lover invariably would fail to live up to the unrealistic expectations of the worshipper. This brings up once again the issue of objective knowledge of a loved one which we alluded to earlier, and the need for lovers to love from the centre of their beings. It is when an individual self-confidently loves himself from the centre of his very being that he can genuinely love another person.

Regrettably, the exploitative nature of contemporary materialistic society is making it increasingly difficult for individuals to fall in love with open hearts and minds. What can one say, then, that would be useful in the actual practice of love? The problem here is that, unlike manufactured objects that contain manuals for their proper usage, human dispositions and behaviour, especially as it relates to a complex emotion such as love, do not have manuals one can put on the table and read.

Fromm, whose insights on love are illuminating, makes some valuable suggestions that can assist anyone to love better. Like every art, he says, mastery in the practice of love has some general requirements. Number one, love requires discipline, a rational type of discipline which a lover freely imposes on himself or herself. Two, one must pay serious attention and concentrate on the task of loving. Another important factor is patience. If you want to be adept in love, you must give it time; you must avoid the urge for quick results.

Certainly, you need to be really interested in improving your practice of love. Being casual about love is a recipe for failure. This does not mean that you must be obsessed with love. Not infrequently, people fall in love without really planning to do so at the beginning. Therefore, while you learn discipline, concentration and patience in the practice of love, you need to make yourself a lovable person. Qualities such as neatness, honesty, trustworthiness, humility, kindness and cheerfulness are conducive to love. Cultivate them, and your chances of experiencing true love will increase. In  spite of widespread cynicism about true love, believe and work towards it because reasoned insight into the nature of human beings shows that everyone needs love.

CONCLUDED.