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Seperated but anxious to date again

By Bunmi Sofola

Dear Bunmi,
Our marriage of nine years was going nowhere and my wife and I separated. My friends keep telling me that I have to get out there and find someone else. Quite frankly, I’m looking forward to the sex part with someone new as my ex was not all that hot in bed and sex was infrequent. But I’m scared about getting hurt again and unsure of when it’s acceptable to introduce a new person to my friends.

I don’t want them making out it’s serious if it’s not. On the other hand, if I do like the girl, I don’t want them giving her a hard time out of loyalty to my wife. Should I tell the new girl I’m recently separated or not mention it? What if she thinks I might be going back to my wife, which I’m not.
Gabriel,
By E-mail

Dear Gabriel,
Lots of people who quickly jump into a new relationship or a fling are really just wanting a warm body in their now cold bed, trying to ease the pain of loneliness. Trouble is, you will invariably still have to confront the baggage from the break-up at some point and this is best done alone. When you date again depends on how long you were in your marriage, how serious it was and the nature of the break-up.

It takes some people years to get over those awful feelings of hurt vulnerability, pain or anger. Others find they did their grieving while still in the relationship – it ended emotionally years before they physically moved out and are ready to date within weeks. You sound like you need a little more time to sort out what went wrong before you ‘get out there’. I’d strongly recommend some soul-searching to figure out what your part was in the break up (it’s never solely one person’s fault) and how not to make the same mistake again.

Your friends might say you’re ready but what do you think? The right time to date again is when you decide you’re ready, not when they think you are. Also, recognize there’s a difference between taking a lover and getting involved again. As for how to handle new lovers with your friends, just brief them beforehand on whether it is serious or not and trust them to behave accordingly.

He wants to leave his ‘nasty’ wife

Dear Bunmi,
I’ve been widowed now for eight years and I’m in my mid-fifties. I never thought I could find love again but I’ve been involved with a 60-year-old man and we love each other dearly. The problem is that he’s married but all his children are grown. He lives with his wife but doesn’t get along with her. He said she was nasty to him in the past and had stopped loving her as a result.

The wife knows nothing about me or my involvement with her husband. My lover has promised to ask her for a divorce and spend the rest of his life with me. Is this so wrong at our age?
Seyi,
By E-mail

Dear Seyi,
It is often believed that there is no fool like an old fool. I do sympathize with you, though. You have lost the love of your life and it’s only natural that you should cling to this second chance of happiness that has come along. But doing this leaves you with a tough choice: will you be selfish and happy or selfless and miserable?

One thing you know already is that your man is married. It is his wife, not you who he’s been together with for decades. Your man would need a nerve of steel to face his grown up children and tell them he is leaving their mother for another woman at his age!

There is no guarantee that if pushed to the wall, your man might panic. Give him a chance to really patch up his marriage or you’ll spend the rest of your life feeling guilty.

Coping with pregnancy and sex

Dear Bunmi,
I was lucky to get pregnant a few months after we got married. I’m now three months gone and will soon be showing. We’re both looking forward to the birth of our first child, but how often should we have sex now? Will my husband still find me attractive when I’m bit and bloated and will too much sex harm our unborn child?
Kemi,
By E-mail

Dear Kemi,
Pregnancy is meant to be the most romantic time but for some women, hormones sparked by pregnancy give their libido a huge kick. If you’re feeling like a lot more sex instead of just cuddling up to your man, make the most of it. An expert gives these pointers:

Believe your partner when he says you’re still sexy. This is the time when you’ll feel most vulnerable about your body. If you usually run around in sprayed on skinny jeans and tight tops, you’ll start to hate anyone who still can. The perfect partner will convince you that your ‘new’ look is just as erotic andyou’ll both revel in those nice, full breasts and that wonderfully big belly.

Remember, mothers have sex too. Motherhood doesn’t have the sexiest image and he’s been as brainwashed by society asyou have. If you think he’s starting to treat you like a saint, tell him you love the thought of the baby growing in you, you’re the same person you were before you got pregnant. Mothers have sex. So do mothers-to-be.

Don’t be worried that the baby’s listening. Can you remember your mother and father having sex when you were in the womb?! Hurting the baby could be his main worry -that bashing around with a penis, he figures, has to push the baby all over the place. A bit of wishful thinking on his part – It’s not that big! Your gynecologist or any good pregnancy manual will tell you which positions are safe.

Is he hiding something from me?

Dear Bunmi,
I have been seeing a girl for about six months but have still never met her friends or family. I’ve introduced her to my friends but apart from a work colleague of hers who I only met because we ran into her by chance, I’ve met no one. Is she hiding, something?
Tony,
By E-mail

Dear Tony,
There are some situations that could explain, her behaviour. Like she’s married or has a boyfriend (do you ever meet at her place?) or recently separated (she doesn’t feel the people close to her are ready to be introduced to a new lover).

Alternatively, may be her friends and family have given her previous boyfriends a hard time and she’s protecting you. But if she appears to adore them, refuses to discuss the problem and simply doesn’t include you, she either doesn’t think you’re good enough to parade in public or can’t see a future together. Ask her outright, don’t be fobbed off and stick to your pride.

My husband’s colleague turns me on!

Dear Bunmi,
I’ve been married for eight years now and we have two sons. The problem is that I no longer fancy having sex and this worries my husband. He arranged for me to see a close friend of his, a medical doctor and counselor in the office/clinic with the hope that he could be able to sort out this problem. The doctor turned out to be extremely good-looking and witty. The irony is that I wouldn’t hesitate to jump into bed with him if he asked me, only thinking about him turns me on. How do I get him to make a pass at me?
Favour,
By E-mail

Dear Favour,
Why not think seriously of getting your husband to make a pass at you instead? That will certainly save you from embarrassment of being rejected by your husband’s doctor friend. You obviously were meeting him for the first time and making a pass at him could freak him out. You have a problem in your marriage no doubt, and this made you get off sex with your husband. Your desire for sex with another man could get out of control if you don’t get your marriage back on course. Find out the reason for this apathy and aim to focus your energy on rebuilding your marriage.


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Comments expressed here do not reflect the opinions of vanguard newspapers or any employee thereof.