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My ex laughed at my effort!

By Bunmi Sofola

Dear Bunmi,
My ex-girlfriend left me feeling so paranoid about sex that I am now nervous about getting involved with women again. I suffer from premature ejaculation and she made me feel like it was my fault and somehow I was doing it just to spite her. She kept telling me only “kids” suffer from it and I should ‘grow up’ and learn to satisfy a woman.

Is there a pill I could take to cure it? I’ve tried most of the recommended methods but none works very well. And if there isn’t a drug, is there anything else you could suggest?
By E-mail

Dear Albert,
Of course it is not your fault! One in three men struggles with premature ejaculation (PE) at some point in their lives. It can happen to anyone no matter how old or sexually experienced you are. Your ex-girlfriend is as misguided as she is rude. You’re lucky to be rid of her!

There is a lot of research being done on PE. Some of the latest thinking is it could be hereditary. It could also have something to do with the levels of chemicals (serotonin and dopamine) in your brain. High levels of dopamine appear to trigger early ejaculation and high levels of serotonin appear to delay it. Drugs like anti-depressants can help restore the balance and getting lots of exercise also seems to help. Scientists are currently working on a pill to ‘cure’ PE. But it has to be perfected and approved, and drugs are not the answer for everyone.

In the meantime, you can learn to manage your PE. Go to the American website and download an e-book called Overcoming Premature Ejaculation. It is said to be the best book in the subject, and it covers the practical and emotional aspects. Read it, do the exercises and when you feel confident, start dating again. Not all women are as unsympathetic as your ex!

He regrets our getting married

Dear Bunmi,
My husband and I have just had our fourth wedding anniversary. We got married when I became pregnant a few months after we met. Sadly, I lost our baby at 14 weeks but we decided to go ahead with the wedding. Soon afterwards though, my husband told me I should be grateful that he’d married me.  I was very hurt but I tried to be a good wife and do what he wanted. Even so, he’s grown very cold over the years. He treats me like a house keeper and we seldom go out together – though he still wants sex regularly.

On our anniversary he said the last four years had been a waste of time and he’s never been the marrying kind anyway. Is there any hope for us or is it time I just accepted that our marriage is over and went for a divorce, especially now there are no children to consider?
By E-mail

Dear Anne,
You’re both disappointed by the way your marriage has turned out. Perhaps you’ve never recovered from the miscarriage and the loss of hope you had for a family together. What seems to be missing here is any pleasure in each other’s company or any mutual respect and caring. If you want to stay with this man, pluck up the courage to tell him what you hoped for from your marriage and ask him if he’s prepared to put some positive effort into making it happier for both of you.

If he can’t or won’t do this, you might want to cut your losses and seek a separation or divorce. In the meantime, try some counseling for both of you.

Is he ashamed to be seen with me?

Dear Bunmi,
My boyfriend and I were having an affair when he was living with his older girlfriend in her house. Some months ago, they split up and he now lives in a flat he bought. He always said things would be different between us when he was unattached but they aren’t.

We go out more, sleep together more and he tells me he loves me – then he denies we have a proper relationship. He still insists we sneak off to meet well away from our neighborhood and he makes sure no one knows about us. I’m not interested in living together but I want us to see each other openly and be a proper couple. When I told him this, he said I should go and find someone else. I love him and can’t believe it’s turned out like this. Why doesn’t he want the world to know we’re together?
By E-mail

Dear Bibi,
Your boyfriend is wise not to go straight from one fully-committed relationship into the next. And remember, he was having an affair with you and affairs are fun because they are naughty and dangerous and have to be kept secret. That’s almost certainly why he wants to keep your relationship under wraps and why he wanted out when you asked to be seen openly as his girlfriend.

If you’re to have a chance with him, you must back off and give him some time, in the hope that he’ll realize he wants you as much as you want him. It looks as if he broke off with his long-term partner because of his feelings for you. So your future seems hopeful, as long as you don’t force the pace.

His dad is a better lover

Dear Bunmi,
My boyfriend and I have been courting for about a year and I stay over at his house for the weekends. His parents are divorced and my boyfriend lives with his father. His dad is not interested in remarrying but has a string of girlfriends. My boyfriend works in a bank and often goes to the office on Saturday morning to catch up on some paper work. As soon as he leaves however, I sneak off to his dad’s side of the house and we always have great sex.

The man’s prowess is unbelievable and he has taught me a lot on how to really enjoy sex. Whenever I ask my boyfriend to try some of these things his dad taught me, he becomes wide-eyed and wants to know how, when and from whom I learned such ‘perverted’ acts. I’m having the best of two worlds as my boyfriend’s dad is very generous to me. If it comes to choosing between him and his dad, I’m afraid I would go for the dad any day. Should I tell my boyfriend?
By E-mail

Dear Juliana,
Why don’t you ask his dad how he would feel if you were to throw over his son for him? You’re obviously playing with fire and sooner or later, you will get burnt. The only person I feel sorry for is your boyfriend. If you’re as randy as you’ve made out in your letter, then you should cast your net further afield – it would be a shame to hurt a family that shows you nothing but hospitality.

Why does sex hurt so much?

Dear Bunmi,
I first had sex when I was 18 years old. As a virgin then, I expected to feel pain, but not the excruciating one I felt. This scared me and I didn’t even think about sex after that until recently. I’m 24 and have a very loving man who wants us to get married, yet, I still find sex a lot painful. This has given me a lot of sleepless nights. Do you think I’m doing something wrong?
By E-mail

Dear Nana,
There is no reason to let this stop the relationship you currently have. Anyone would experience similar anxiety after all the pain and distress you went through. The solution is to get help – coping with this alone would be like trying to come to terms with traumatic experiences you have no tools to handle. Why don’t you have a word with your doctor who would assure you all your organs are in order? If they’re not, he’ll know what to do to put things right. In the meantime, confide in your man, with his patience, and with prolonged fore-play, you could discover you have no problems at all.

I’m happy with both of them!

Dear Bunmi,
I have been married for three years and we have a daughter. I have been secretly seeing one of my husband’s friends for the past six months though he is also married. We have a sexual relationship and love each other so much. But I feel bad because this man is a better lover than my husband. As a result, I have not had sex with my husband for weeks. I know that this is a wrong thing to do, but I’m very happy this way. Why?
By E-mail

Dear Dorothy,
Because you have no morals, no scruples, no conscience and no common sense. It is clear that you have no respect for your husband, his friendship or your marriage vows. You may think you are happy now, but the joy will evaporate when your husband finds out about your affair. Sexual compatibility is important in a marriage, but it takes a lot more than good sex to make a long, mutually rewarding relationship. Don’t throw away a good future for you and your kid for a sexual fling. By the way, why did you marry your husband in the first place?

Our sex life is dwindling

Dear Bunmi,
When we first met, we used to make love all of the time and this continued when we married. My two pregnancies hadn’t stopped my husband but now it seems as if I’m lucky if we make love twice a month. Is this normal? We are both in our thirties and I believe we should be making love more.

Dear Oluchi,
Lovemaking is obviously a powerful bond between a couple but after years of being together, familiarity often erodes it. The quickest way to bring your sex life back to where it was is to change the time, place and position of the way you make love. This shouldn’t be done all at once of course.

Time is the easiest element with which to begin a sexual revamp. Try initiating sex when he least expects it, instead of waiting for your man to do that. That way, sex doesn’t become routine.

Getting away once in a while helps too and changing your normal sexual position can turn him on instead of off sex. Good luck!


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