By Bunmi Sofola

Dear Bunmi,
I knew my husband was not that keen on sex when we got married seven years ago. Even with marriage, our sex life has never been amazingly passionate or regular. In the past, I’d put this down to his being uptight sexually, physically and emotionally due to his upbringing by a domineering father. Nine times out of ten, I’m the one who suggests sex, and the response is always luke warm.

Before we married, I suspected my husband was gay. I confronted and told him not to marry me if he was – as it would be cruel and unforgivable. I said I could put up with a less than normal sex life (say once a week) as long as I knew he genuinely loved me and was straight. He told me he was absolutely straight and that we would continue to make love once a week. We now have a lovely child, and we have sex once every five to six weeks and there’s no real kissing or affection in the interim. I am feeling really low about it and can’t seem to get it out of my head that he’s gay, though there is no evidence he’s seeing anyone else.

I’ve asked him to get some help but he insisted there’s nothing wrong with him. I have recently asked him again if he’s homosexual and he angrily denies it, telling me I am insulting him. I am so confused and unhappy. We are good friends in most other areas of our marriage. Should I insist he gets professional help? I don’t know what else to do.
Jessica
By e-mail

Dear Jessica,
There are no conclusive reasons in your letter that your husband is gay. You’re obviously basing your conclusion on the fact that he has a lower libido than you and that he’s become less enthusiastic about sex as the marriage progresses. Neither of these things remotely suggests to me that he’s secretly lusting after a man.

What could be happening here is that branding him ‘gay’is a convenient way of making yourself blameless in what is happening to your marriage. As with most marital problems, the fault is never one sided. You said your husband had a domineering father and difficult upbringing. This means that, from a very young age, he has been taught to suppress his sexual feelings. The highest libido would have been dampened in these circumstances. This is a far more likely reason to explain why he wasn’t gagging for regular sex before you married. Instead of encouraging him to open up sexually and helping him explore how good sex can be, you accuse him of being gay!

To be honest, I’m surprised he could muster an erection once a week, let alone be enthusiastic about it. There are tons of gay men out there of course, but being told you are something you’re not is insulting. The regularity of sex inevitably decreases over time even in good, sexually active marriages, unless both people put a lot of effort into keeping lust alive. No wonder sex had dropped to once every five or six weeks because I suspect you’ve been making your husband feel worse about sex for not wanting it! Instead of forcing him to seek professional help, try a complete shift in your attitude. Let go of this silly idea he’s gay, unless there’s real evidence. Instead of attacking him, try being kind, affectionate and supportive.

You say there’s no affection or kissing – so you be the one to instigate it. Sit him down and tell him you love him and miss cuddling him. Tell him you’re sorry for accusing him of all sorts but would really like to explore sex together because you want both of you to be as happy as little steps and start by doing things together like taking a bath, sleeping snuggled up, holding hands on the sofa. We all respond better to encouragement than threats and I’m sure you’ll be pleasantly surprised where this might lead you!

He’s a bit rough in the bedroom

Dear Bunmi,
I love having sex with my husband but he’s not very good at picking up on what I like and don’t like in bed. He’s great at oral sex but he only does it for about two minutes and then moves on to intercourse. I moan a lot during oral sex and try to sort of hold his head there for longer with my hands but he doesn’t seem to pick up on the hint at all.

He’s also too rough when he touches me. I’ve tried pushing his hands away to let him know this but he doesn’t pay any attention to that either. I’m too shy to come right out and say what I want and don’t want but I’m starting to feel resentful about him missing all the signals I’m sending him. What should I do?
Richard,
By e-mail

Dear Richard,
There are loads of men who don’t listen when their partners tell them they hate being touched roughly in some particular places of their anatomy – an indicator why some of these relationships fail: Such men are too self – absorbed to pay attention to anyone’s needs but their own. But before you go screaming at him, you’ve got to make sure you’ve been as clear as you think you can be.

You said you don’t want to voice your needs, but I don’t think you have a choice here. It’s easy to do. The next time he’s giving you oral sex, simply say “Honey, that feels fantastic! Can you do it for longer this time?” If he’s touching you too roughly, say,

“Could you be a bit gentler? I love you when you touch me really tenderly.” None of these comments are critical, they’re encouraging so he’s unlikely to take offence.

She’s pregnant and still smokes

Dear Bunmi,
After just a few years of trying, my wife is finally pregnant and we are both overjoyed. The problem is that we both smoke. I’ve offered to give up smoking to encourage her to stop for the health of the baby but she doesn’t seem to have the will-power, she also doesn’t believe smoking can adversely affect our unborn baby as smokers have given birth to healthy babies over the years.
Gbade
By e-mail

Dear Gbade,
Nicotine addiction can definitely affect the health of a new born child. When a woman smokes during pregnancy, it has been discovered that she’s more likely to experience vomiting, urinary tract infection and thrush.

It has also been proved that smoking leads to an increased risk of spontaneous abortion and chances of hemorrhaging during pregnancy. Also babies of smoking mums are on average 70g/200g lighter at birth. Also, carbon monoxide contained in inhaled cigarette smoke reduces the oxygen carried in a foetus by 40 per cent. This affects the baby’s growth.

A low birth-weight baby is more likely to require special care or even support; or problems such as breathing difficulties.

Apart from a high risk of premature birth, each cigarette that a pregnant woman smokes reduces blood flow through the placenta for 15 minutes, raising the baby’s heart rate.

Findings also reveal that women who smoke during pregnancy put their babies at increased risk of developing diabetes and cardiovascular diseases in later life.

However, the good news is that the earlier in pregnancy pregnant smoker stops, the lower the risk of any long term damage.

If she stops within the first three months, her chances of having a low-weight baby are similar to that of a non-smoker.

He threatens to tell my friend about us having sex!

Dear Bunmi,
I am in my mid-twenties and have been friends with Sharon since our secondary school days. She is a lot prettier than I am and has no difficulty getting boyfriends. I, on the other hand, am the reserved type though I’ve had my share of boyfriends.

Late last year, we met a marketer (video) at a party and of course it was Sharon he fancied. He however encouraged both of us to drop by at his main office and pick whatever video we fancied-on the house.

I work on the Island and while doing my Christmas shopping went to his office to see what tapes I could get to give as gifts to friends. Chike, the chap, was in his office and asked that I should come in to see some current tapes he just bought. He urged me to pick as many as ten! I was doing that with his help when he started complimenting my looks and he said I had great boobs, as my friend’s own were far too small. I was elated. Sharon had always got the compliments but now, this Chike actually preferred me.

He was a fast mover and in minutes, he’d locked his office door and was kissing me aggressively. In a flash, he pulled down my panties expertly whipping a condom out of his pocket: he then made love to me.

I couldn’t blame him really and I didn’t know I was hurting Sharon as she had loads of men panting after her until she confessed she was in love with him. I was guiltridden. So when next Chike showed up at my office asking when I could come to select some of the new videos in his shop and slyly asked that we had a repeat performance of what happened the last time, I told him to get lost.

He looked really annoyed and said if I didn’t show up, he would tell my friend that we’d slept together. I hope he’s bluffing. But what if he isn’t?
Sanmi,
By e-mail

Dear Sanmi,
I wouldn’t rush to my friend to confess if I were you. But you should have a defence ready for when this scumbag makes good his threat. It is bad enough that you made a bad error of judgment by having this needless fling but you shouldn’t be made to suffer for it.

If the worst happened, and he spilled the beans, then your friend would at least know the type of man she’s lumbered with.

If he’s as serious about her as she is about him, he would keep quiet.