Dear Bunmi,

I AM over 25 and haven’t been able to find a suitable boyfriend for close to two years now and I feel sexually frustrated. A few months ago, I met a man at work and I was immediately attracted to him. One Saturday morning, he turned up in my flat and we had mind-blowing sex! Soon after, he got a better job and relocated outside Lagos. He confessed when he called that he lives with his girlfriend but made it clear that he still fancies me. I don’t want to break up the relationship with his girlfriend but if he’s hellbent on being unfaithful, why shouldn’t it be with me when I want him so badly?
Tara , Omole

Dear Tara,
Don’t even think about it! This man is living with someone else. Popping round one morning for a quickie is no basis whatsoever for any kind of satisfactory relationship. Nothing is purely physical. You’re both human beings with hearts, soul and all sorts of emotions. Don’t imagine you can indulge sexually without your feelings becoming involved. This is a recipe for a heartache and heartbreak-for you and for him. Why not spend some time looking inwards? Try working out the reason why you haven’t had a boyfriend in two years. Pin down the problem and apply your energy to finding a man of your own instead of tinkering with someone else’s.

 

                  My boyfriend has continued his excessive drinking

Dear Bunmi,
My boyfriend is in his late thirties, never been married but a single father. We’ve been together for over four years. Towards the end of last year, we separated for four months because of his excessive drinking. More than once, he has pinned me down and put his hands around my throat. He didn’t actually hurt me, but I was really frightened. I asked him to leave my flat but he apologized and we ended up together. He continued his excessive drinking but we got along better.
Recently, after a heated argument, I again walked him out of my flat but he came back later, roaring drunk. He forced his way in and grapped my throat with such a force that I almost blacked out. He suddenly let go and started crying that nobody loved him. Well, I do love him but I can’t live with his problems. He’s not frequent at my flat as before, but I’m worried that he’ll soon bounce back and the same thing will happen – and I might choke to death! I want to feel happy and safe with him – or get him out of my life and meet someone better. I am 29.
Ngozi,
ByE-mail

Dear Ngozi,
Asking your boyfriend to leave your flat when you’re dissatisfied with him is a display of power that seems every bit as threatening to him as his display of drunken anger seem to you. It looks as if neither of you can tolerate the other’s behaviour and the acute insecurity it breeds within you. It is tragic that where there was once a strong attraction in this relationship, there is now mutual fear that will be hard to get rid of.
Each of you has to acknowledge your weaknesses by doing some serious thinking or seeking the counsel of more experienced people. Your boyfriend’s w01UJ.ded pride might prevent him from agreeing to serious discussions as this might mean he will have to admit to his chronic abuse of alcohol. If that’s the case, I’m afraid he will remain a chronic alcoholic and, as you suspect, you can have no future together. Be ready to distance yourself and move on.