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These women

By Tony Ubani

Potato is not so common in Nigeria and cannot be found in most homes except for the rich. Even the rich in Nigeria do not eat potato with relish the way South Africans do. It is almost a compulsory meal here that has added beauty and attraction to the women of South Africa.

There is no girl in South Africa that is not naturally endowed with amazing hips that go unnoticed. Their backsides are so large and cute and fine that I nosed around to find out the reason. At the accreditation centre at Ellis \park and  Soccer City (formerly FNB Stadium) I ran into queues of both men and women, boys and girls who wanted to pick their accreditations and tags before the big kickoff on Saturday.

They were all massively gifted from behind that I warmed myself to the girl in my front. From a little Hi to Hello, we got talking and I asked why South African ladies are so gifted from behind. She laughed and attracted the attention of two of her friends who spoke in their mother tongue. From their faces, I thought something was amiss and I asked Beatrice what was wrong.

She giggled and told me that I was funny. Beatrice is an undergraduate of Physics at the University of Johannesburg. She knows so much about Nigeria courtesy of Nollywood and she loves Nigerians. So she said.

“You are not the only one asking about our backs”. She stepped out of the queue apparently to allow me see more of what she’s got. “It is the work of potato. We eat so much potato and that is the result”, she wagged her back like a dog using its tail to chase a fly. I remembered my friend, Hector, the Sweet Crude man who once told me about the rearguards of South African babes.

The line moved and there was a minor confusion that I lost sight of Beatrice. While cursing my luck and looking around, mainly from the waist base, I saw another lady whose back was outstandingly different. While wondering like Alice in a wonderland, I noticed a tender touch and there was Beatrice beaming her toothpaste smile at me.

“Where did you go to?”, I asked like a typical Nigerian wanting to possess his possession. “I was with my friends and we were watching you looking at all the girls?”, she said. “No, I was not looking at them,  I was actually looking for you?”. Her friend, Nkomaa joined and asked why Nigerian men are ritualists? I discovered that she had been watching too many of the Nollywood films and transferring movie characters. Her friend, Angel, brightened my day when she confessed that South African women love Nigerian men.

I shook my head like an Indian Bollywood actor. They now wanted to know if I love the backside of South Africans.  I stammered and said that even though I love figure 8, I also appreciate their carriage. “If you want it, tell your girls to be eating potato”, Beatrice, the shy, black one said and a man stepped close to say I was on the wrong queue.

He was nice and probably felt he had done me a favour.  He took me straight to where my accreditation was done with utmost dispatch. I got my accreditation and lost my South African beauties. How I wish the man knew the damage he did while doing me a favour.


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Comments expressed here do not reflect the opinions of vanguard newspapers or any employee thereof.