By Bunmi Sofola

Dear Bunmi,
My husband gets a load of kicks from flirting with other women. For the eight years we’ve been married, I’ve watched him chat up women and had countless nights anxiously waiting for him to come home from his night – crawling. Now, after his last affair where his latest girlfriend insulted me to my face in his presence, I’ve decided I can no longer live with him.

When I told him I wanted out of the marriage, he said that suited him fine and he was thinking of going abroad to work. This would mean our two children might not even see him. It’s hell being with a man who can’t stay faithful, but if I end our marriage, my children will lose their father. What should I do?
Bilikis
By E-mail.

Dear Bilikis,
Being married to a cassanova can be a nightmare. Flirting might be harmless but its led him to having affairs while controlling you and does what he likes. Now that you’ve found the strength to fight back, he’s making you feel guilty for the hurt your children may feel at the separation. As a mother,, you naturally want them to have contact with their father,, but you can’t make your husband a responsible father. He has shown little respect for you and your marriage.

You deserve better, and if he’s unwilling to change then you are right to end the relationship. While your children need a father, they also deserve a happy mum. Perhaps your threat to end the marriage has made him invent this job abroad so you’ll change your mind. Let him know that going away would be his choice and he will have to justify this to his children in the near future. As much as  possible, I always try to advise couples to stay together, but unless your husband shows real desire to change, you owe it to yourself  to build a happier life for you and your children.

Are older women dirty in bed?

Dear Bunmi,
I recently had sex with a woman 11 years older than me and it was the best night of my life. She was really amazing. I’m used to being in control but she bossed me around in bed and told me exactly how to pleasure her. As a result, I found myself doing stuff I’d never thought of with a woman and was shocked at how brazen and explicit she was. Are older women as dirty in bed as she was?
Alan
By E-Mail

Dear Alan,
You’re discovering the many benefits of dating an older woman! I wouldn’t agree with you that older women are dirty, but they often know their own minds and body. Many men believe they have to take full responsibility for what happens in bed but it can be a huge relief to let a more experienced partner take over.

Its obvious you had a great time and learnt a lot from your recent experience.  You’ve also realized the benefits of listening to your lover and learning what women desire most in bed.

In love with a single mum

Dear Bunmi,
There is this single mother of two around where I live and we get on well together. Her children are under 10.

When I eventually summoned the courage to ask her out, she turned me down. When I asked if she fancied me, she said she did but that things are not as easy as they seemed. What should I do?
John
By E-Mail

Dear John,
Getting mixed messages from someone you like could be really tricky but however much you want someone, if there is no real spark, forget it, though the  fact you get on well with her means there is some hope.

So explore the problem; what’s making the relationship “not easy” as she alleged? Would she be able to take things further if certain things were resolved? Ask what her difficulties are then be prepared to change.

If there are some things you can do to improve your chances then ask her what she needs from you – is it to see that you will get on well with her children? Give her some space too. Occasionally, someone says no because the timing isn’t right, but they will be glad to be asked later.

Put the ball in her court, saying “if you ever feel differently, please tell me.” This gives her room to change her mind. If you have worked your way through all these and you are still getting a ‘no’ then it is time to call it a day.

My ex is the love of my life

Dear Bunmi,
I got married two years ago when I hadn’t completely fallen out of love with my ex-girlfriend. I met my wife on the rebound after my ex left me for another man. But the relationship didn’t work out and she’s started e-mailing me. My wife is kind, gentle and good company but I now realize that my ex is the love of my life. My marriage is currently childless. What should I do?
Smart
By E-Mail

Dear Smart,
Before you do anything rash, like throwing away your marriage, stop and think about your real feelings for you ex. Its easy to look back at a past relationship with rose-tinted glasses, but she was the one who chose to finish with you and must have had her reasons, which may well still exist.

I would try to make your marriage work if I were you. Don’t rush back to your ex without being sure she’s not also settling for you on the rebound. What happens if what she considers a better option shows up – again?