By Bunmi Sofola
I have an old friend who meddles in my financial affairs. Weâ€™d been together since our secondary school day and are now in our 40s weâ€™re both divorced but the similarity ends there.
My friend seems to have the best of everything -she runs a thriving business and has a house in a nice place on Lagos Island. She has only two children while I have four.
I do a bit of petty trading from time to time and some of the children chip in financially whenever they can.
I have a claptrap car which I struggle to keep on the road. My friend has cars she fills up with petrol all of the time. Whenever I grumble about- moneyâ€™, she asks why I didnâ€™t invest my money when I had a good job. Is she for real?
How can I invest in anything bringing up four children with no real help coming from their father?Â Recently, she phoned up with the news that her late fatherâ€™s estate had been settled and she inherited one of his houses. I donâ€™t begrudge her what sheâ€™s got but I hate her having my nose rubbed in her wealth.
When she asks why I donâ€™t make more effort with my appearance, I tell her I have no money.Â Â She thinks Iâ€™m being mean, believing my children give me a lot of money I have stashed somewhere. How do I make her understand I donâ€™t like being questioned about my finances?
Itâ€™s obvious you resent your friendâ€™s financial good fortune and thatâ€™s a shame. Your protests imply that sheâ€™s at fault for having more cash than you do. But if circumstance had been a little different your roles might have been reversed – with you the richer one – being envied. Whatever you do, donâ€™t allow money to come between you and your friend of several decades. Friendship is too valuable to waste.
Recognise the bitterness your friendâ€™s prosperity sometime evoke in you. Admit to her that, by comparison to her you really are as poor as can be. This may hurt your pride but friendship depends on openness and honesty. Next time your friend suggest you spruce yourself up, tell her cheekily: ok! Are you paying?
She’s the wayward one, not me!
I was married for close to 12 years when my wife and I called it quits.
We are in the process of getting divorced as both of us are fed up with the marriage. My wife is now spreading rumours around that Iâ€™ve had affairs through all the times we were married and gave her sexually -transmitted infections twice. This is a load of rubbish. As a matter of fact, she was the wayward and Iâ€™ve kept an incriminating letter she wrote to a close friend who was once her lover.
Iâ€™m thinking itâ€™s about time I started telling some home truths about the appalling way she behaved when we were married, but we have three lovely children and I donâ€™t want them to be hurt by any scandal.
It’s considerate of you to think about your childrenâ€™s feelings. Divorce is never easy but if thereâ€™s too much mud slinging, children can suffer. Youâ€™ve shown a lot of maturity by keeping quiet when your ex is busy spreading rumours but donâ€™t descend to her level. Let your lawyer handle the messy details for you and try to keep your children away from the accusations.
How can I leave without losing out?
My current boyfriend is a professional and so am I.. We earn good salaries and live in a flat we both furnished towards our eventually getting married. I thought I love him but a few weeks ago, 1 met a friendâ€™s brother who was on a short visit to the country. He was wonderful and witty and our lovemaking was mind-blowing.
My problem is that 1 believe Iâ€™m in love with a man who says heâ€™s recently been separated from his wife and is in love with me too. He has since gone back but we talk on the phone fairly regularly. Iâ€™m now having doubts about my current boyfriend but if I leave now, I will end up losing a lot of money Iâ€™d invested in the flat. Help!
What the heck do you think youâ€™re doing? Youâ€™ve made a commitment but one glance from this JJC and youâ€™re throwing all youâ€™ve built for years out of the window.
There is a difference between a solid relationship – where you love each other, build a life-and a flash-in-the-pan romance, such as you had with this other man.
If meeting this man has shown you that your relationship could be seriously wrong, then leave. You might lose the money youâ€™d invested in your flat, but at least youâ€™ll be free to love someone you really care for. But are you sure of this new man who is â€˜still married and might not be free to commit for years maybe? I would advise that you settle down to making a successful future with your man instead of replacing certainty with a dream.