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First time out: (8) My experience cost me my self-esteem

Hi, Remember that  song “Tonight is the night”  by Betty    Wright? It’s one of those blissful oldies that takes one tumbling down memory lane, no matter how much we may want to pretend. It talks about those secret three letter words that we all love secretly but try hard to deny openly.

The lyrics of the song talks about the first time a young lady did the “thing”. The anxiety, the pain and pleasures of the act were relived in the song which opens with a call for listeners to accompany the singer on the journey, though individually.

Have you ever tried to think back, capture the first time you had sex? What was it like, was it as imagined? When did you first have sex? Why did you do it? With whom and are you still with the person? Given a second chance, will you do the same thing? Together with Onozure Dania, we talked to  respondents and  bring you their responses below.

You too may be a part of this wonderful journey down memory lane. Write to us and capture those moments with us, bearing these questions in mind. Our address remains: The Human Angle, Vanguard, P.M.B. 1007, Apapa, Lagos. Or e-mail address: We are expecting to read from you. Cheers!

Rimi, (30), Metrologist, whofirst partner was his sister continues his story below:
The first time I had sex was with my sister. I was 16 and she was 12. We were young then and I was in love with her. I am still and she loves me too since we still do it together once a while. Now, we know it is bad because the societ thinks it is.

But personally, we don’t see anything bad in it, after all, many men in the Bible and Qu’ran maried their siblings and other blood relations. It became bad when people began to have other options. In some societies as we speak, people still marry their relatives. I treat her better than any of her boyfriends has ever treated her.

I buy her things and take care of her. I feel compelled to protect her and feel great pain in my heart when I see her hurt or she is troubled about anything.

Strangely, I have never felt the way I feel about my sister for any girl I’ve come across so far in my life. I just don’t really like them enough. I know she loves me too, because she says so. We are very attached such that when I got a job after graduation, she insisted that I move out of the house so she could move in with me.

We both know this can’t go on for ever, eventually, we have to separate and pick our own partners so that the world will not discover us. Well, I think some close friends do suspect us, but no one has concrete evidenceagainst us. So, for now, we are just fine together.

Mercy, (24), Student, says she lost her self-esteem when she first had sex:
I was sixteen, still in Secondary School when I first had sex. It is one experience that I am willing to trade anything to forget. Unfortunately, it will not go away, it is a shame that will remain with me for the rest of my life.

It happened one night at a friend’s birthday party. I’d never drank alcohol, but I was with this guy whom I thought I could trust. Though he had asked me out, we were not really dating, but we were friends. Before I knew what was happening, I guess I was drunk, so drunk that when the music changed to the “blues”, I did not struggle with him when he started fondling my body.

I think he must have guessed that I was so drunk it was impossible to resist him, so he just took me into one of the rooms and took advantage of the situation.

I remember almost nothing about intercourse with him, except for three tiny scenes when I woke up; when he was taking my clothes off;  when he was on top of me and spreading my legs and when he was shaking me and saying that he loved me.

My first hangover and first intercourse in the same night was a terrible combination. I can’t remember how I got home, though he told me he and his friends dropped me off. I woke up feeling like s..t. My head was on the floor with my feet, my stomach was completely empty because I had been sick and my pelvis, hips, vulva, and vaginal canal were so painful!

The outcome of the experience was two very anxious and apprehensive weeks until I got my period; a severed relationship with him, a despise for him and all boys, and a loss of self-esteem and confidence.

I worried about my reputation for a while and whether my friends knew of my sordid behaviour that night and if that affected their feelings towards me. This was because my refusal to continue dating the boy got him angry and he told a few people what had happened. But I soon stopped worrying and everyone who knew forgot that they did. I guess time is every mistake’s friend.

Katherine, (36), Pharmasist, claims she was too young to know what happened:
I was 13, in JSS1 and dating a boy who was a year older than me when it happened. One Saturday afternoon, he invited me to over to his house as his parents and the rest of his family would be away for the weekend.

Since my parents were not aware of the relationship, I told them I was going over to a girlfriend’s house.
After I had been there for a while, we began kissing, which was nothing unusual as we had often kissed before. But the longer we kissed, the more excited he became.

I had never seen him that way before and since I was still naive at the time, I couldn’t figure out why he was breathing so heavily. Before long, he had managed to get me to lie down with him on top of me. His penis had become hard and he was moving back and forth. I really didn’t know what was happening, so I just laid there, not moving.

The pressure of his weight and the hardness of his penis made the position very uncomfortable for me. I was actually in pain. But besides being very uncomfortable, I couldn’t figure out what this hard bone was that was cutting me. I had no idea that the penis ever became hard, and the thought that it might be his penis never even entered my mind.

When I couldn’t bear it anymore, I asked him to please get off me. But he couldn’t understand why I hadn’t received any enjoyment from this act.

After this, the thought of having a boy climb on top of me ever again made me ill. I could see no enjoyment in it at all and preferred to merely kiss.


Comments expressed here do not reflect the opinions of vanguard newspapers or any employee thereof.