June 17, 2009

My husband told her he was single

By Bunmi Sofola
Dear Bunmi,
My husband took a second wife without my knowledge. We’ve been married for seven years and still remain childless due to his own fault (doctor’s report).

I heard from the grapevine that he took a second wife over a year ago. The irony of it all is that he claimed to be single, so the other woman doesn’t know of my existence. What do I do? Does he still deserve my love? At times I feel like running away. I hurt and stay awake every night he stays away. I am dying in silence.
By E-mail

Dear Bola,
Have you really confirmed that your husband has a second wife by asking him? It’s amazing the unnecessary pain we put ourselves through because of lack of dialogue.

Men could be as emotionally strung as women. The fact that your husband can’t give you a child must be devastating to him and some men in his shoes have happily accepted other men’s pregnancies to save face.

You obviously still love your husband and you need to seek urgent medical solutions to your childless state. Lastly, you too have to decide if you love your husband enough to stay married to him without the prospect of a child. The longer you leave these soul-searching questions without seeking answers, the more frustrated you’ll become.

I want my wife to stop drinking

Dear Bunmi,
My wife and I are both in our thirties, and have been married for eight years. We have four lovely children. The problem is that my wife is a heck of a drinker. She doesn’t get drunk everyday but anytime she’s near booze, be it at home or at parties, she goes over the top.

She gets depressed and abusive whenever she’s drunk and once in a while, she wets the bed. I’ve tried to talk her out of her drinking binges but she says she can handle it. Is there any way I can help her beat this demon that is threatening to ruin our family?
By e-mail

Dear Jacob
I guess having four children to look after and a husband who nags over her drinking might propel her to yet more booze. Do you have enough helps in the house?

Does your wife work? Do you lend a helping hand with the kids? Instead of behaving in ways that suggest you’re an enemy, you need to be your confused wife’s friend. That means you have to talk to her instead of issuing threats and show her you care by letting her have more activities outside the home with you.

Re-assure her that you have no wish of deserting her and the children and stop nagging her. The more confident she becomes in the marriage, the less she’ll rely on booze to boost her self-confidence.

Bananas or apples?

Dear Bunmi,
I intend to continue with the intake of fruits as I found them beneficial during any time I’m fasting. My friend, who is a dietician, encourages me to take more bananas than the apples that I like. She says that apples rot your teeth. Is she right?
By e-mail

Dear Meg,
In America, bananas now come with a health claim that they can help reduce blood pressure. This is because they are especially rich in the mineral potassium. Potassium and salt need to be balanced in the body to ensure fluid levels are correct. Too much salt in the diet can ruin this equilibrium and cause blood pressure to rise. Bananas are rich in potassium but low in salt and help redress the imbalance.

As for apples, it is a fact that the fruit contains acid, which in theory, may erode teeth if you ate it all day long. Having fruit between meats isn’t a problem, especially with a glass of water or a milk drink which dilutes the acid. So eat as much of both as you find comfortable.

I spoilt my son

Dear Bunmi,
I’m a single parent o|an only child and I guess I must have spoilt him a little. He is now 10 years old but is a class behind. He is always happy around me but shy with strangers.

I have arranged for him to play with friends and relatives of his age group and he handles that fine. What else should I do to make him more extroverted?
By E-mail

Dear Doyin,
If you push your  child too hard, his natural enthusiasm for learning might evaporate, though showing no interest in his progress is worse. Don’t compare your son with his peers as every child develops at their own pace. Sometimes, your child’s development may seem too slow.

Don’t worry about this individual variation. Learning goes on all the time and a child’s development is boosted by unplanned experience.

Praise your child for his good points and encourage improvement on his weak ones.
Most important thing is to share your experiences with friends and you’ll be amazed at how worried they are too, about their children.