By Bunmi Sofola
Dear Bunmi,
I’m facing, what to me, is a heartbreaking dilemma. I have a five-year-old daughter who I love so much but I separated from her father over two years ago. We were never married, but we lived together before the break-up. He has now gotten married and done so well in his job that he lives in a big company’s house. His wife also has a good job and is from rich parents.

I live in a one-bedroom flat and money is really tight. My child’s father is willing to take her if I so wish. Lately I’ve been thinking that, since I don’t have that much to offer her in the way of financial comfort, I should allow her to live with her father’s family. I have her with me but I feel her needs ought to come first.
Deborah,
Yaba.

Dear Deborah,
You’re missing an important point here. Big houses, good jobs and nice lifestyles are not what matter when it comes to bringing up children. Sure, all kids love to have cool clothes and toys-but they are not what make them happy or what make them grow into fulfilled adults. What kids really need is love. If you can give a child emotional security, acceptance and support in life, however tough your situation, they will turn out fine.

So long as you can give your daughter these things, keep her with you. If her father can also give her those things, then let her spend regular time with him too. Only remember, it’s’love. Not money, that’s the most important thing of all.

He wants more
exciting sex

Dear Bunmi,
My boyfriend and I have been together for a few months and have recently started sleeping together. Some few days ago, he said he would like us to do some things in bed I’m not comfortable with. I think I’m probably just more reserved and less experienced than he is, but I’m afraid to try these experiments of his. The thought of it leaves me cold. What do I do?
Florence,
By e-mail

Dear Florence,
The right thing for you to do is say no and keep saying no. It is well and good to encourage women to experiment, drop their inhibitions and give things a go. But if either partner is truly uncomfortable with what the other is suggesting, then, he or she shouldn’t do it. By the sound of it, you’re really not happy with what this new man is proposing. For a start, he is rushing in far too early with his sexy suggestions. Plus, if you’re worried he’s going to actually harm you, you should back off quickly.

Don’t fall into the trap of thinking that just because he’s had more experience than you, he knows best. Instead hold firm and do only what you feel comfortable with and if he piles on the pressure, walk away.

Is being disvirgined painful?

Dear Bunmi,
Would you believe I’m 20 and still a virgin? I’m terrified of sex. All my friends have done it and a few of them have told me how painful it is the first time. I just keep quiet so no one knows I haven’t actually done it yet. I’m so scared – all that talk of pain puts me off. I now have a boy I fancy and if we eventually get round to it, how much pain should I expect?
Dorcas,
Ibadan.

Dear Dorcas,
Your friends probably made love with men who don’t care enough, so rushed on in there and made it painful. But first-time sex doesn’t have to be like that. You can wait to make love until you can really trust the new man in your life. Together, you can learn about your body, so that you feel comfortable and relaxed.

When the time comes for sex, prepare with lots of foreplay and lubrication, then guide your partner’s penis inside you with your hand, so you take things at your speed and enjoy it.