June 17, 2009

Love making with my husband is no longer fun

By By Bunmi Sofola
Dear Bunmi,
My problem is my husband. Before we got married, he was very descent and a gentleman. Since we got married however, he has turned into what can best be described as an animal. He likes to have sexual intercourse in unusual and perverted ways. Although we have a comfortable bed, he likes to lay me on a hard floor.

He asked me to suck him. I want to please him in this, but the thing is so large, it always makes me choky. I never asked him to do anything abnormal so why has he turned into someone I now fear?
It has got to a point where I hate making love to him. I have even thought of running away.

Dear Uche,
Why don’t you tell your husband how you feel about his sexual demands? They are not as abnormal as you think, but you have to enjoy doing them together to make it fulfilling.

Discuss the techniques you particularly fancy with him and try and meet his needs halfway too.
Now that you are married, you don’t expect him to be as cautious as when you were courting.
But he needs to ease you into demands you both feel comfortable with.     Don’t run away from perceived problems only to be confronted by real sexual perverts!

My mother has hijacked my wedding!

Dear Bunmi,
I’m getting married to my boyfriend of two years in a couple of months’ time but I’m dreading it. We both wanted a simple wedding with close families and friends, but my mother wouldn’t hear of it.

I’m the only girl of the family and she’s really pushing out the boat for this wedding picking aso-ebi and arranging a lavish reception. In short, she has taken over the whole day and I have hardly been involved at all.

My fiance says we should let her get on with it if it would really make her happy as she is paying, but I feel resentful that she has hijacked my day in this way.
I feel like running off to have a quiet wedding!
By E-mail

Dear Halimat,
You’re likely to cause a lot of upset if you run away to get married! Really, there is no need for you to resent your mother for trying to control your life. As it’s only one day, does it really matter? All that’s important is that you and your fiancé are happy together.

He’s not complaining; all you need to do is relax, humour your mum who’s happy to be the ‘mother-of-the-bride’ and enjoy all the fuss! You might even look back at your wedding day in future and feel a lot of gratitude for your mum for being in control of such a memorable day!

I have ugly hair growth

Dear Bunmi,
For quite a while now I’ve got what looks like a dark moustache on my upper lip, and recently, I’ve started to sprout hairs on the chin and my chest.

Not exactly magnet when you want to pull a man, you’ll agree. I’ve tried shaving, but it seems to encourage the growth. Are there lasting remedies?
By e-mail

Dear Uju,
Quite a number of women have noticeable facial  hair on the chin, upper lip or as ‘side-bums’, and you can get it on your nipples, shoulders and lower abdomen not sexy but you shouldn’t let your growth bother you.

It is all down to over-sensitivity to the male hormone, testosterone, which can either be inherited or triggered by drugs like steroids, used to treat skin conditions like dermatitis.

For permanent hair removal, electrolysis is best. Unfortunately, you can’t easily get it in the country. Shaving is quite effective; so are hair-removing creams. Occasionally though, excess hair is symptom.  If you have irregular periods, acne, greasy hair and a tendency to gain weight, see your doctor for a blood test.

His jealousy is getting dangerous !

Dear Bunmi,
My husband and I have been married for close to 15 years and I love him. He loves me too in his own way and is a good father to the children.

Recently, his love has turned to vicious jealousy. He believes I’ve, always indulged in secret affairs and has compiled a list of ‘suspects which includes my former boss, a friend’s husband and my new boss!

Now he’s resorting to violence. He’s threatening he would maim me if I don’t confess to all these drummed up affairs and the children are getting a bit frightened of him. The last straw was when he recently grabbed me by the throat because I was dancing so seductively at an outdoor party.

I’m thinking of leaving him as I don’t want to lose my life or limbs because of a crime I’m not guilty of but he said he would kill the two of us if I tried to leave. Should I go to the police?

Dear Awawu,
Jealousy in small doses is fine, but your husband is paranoid and needs help. Is he happy in his job? Why should he start exhibiting insane jealous traits all of a sudden? Unfortunately, jealous people are dangerous people and if your husband does not want to seek medical help, I’m afraid you have to find an alternate accommodation away from him.

You are right, your children need you alive than maimed or dead.
Have a word with him and show him you’re prepared to help him beat his illness if he would seek help. If possible, involve his close friends.

You’ll also discover that most often, the type of threats he issues have no bite to them once you top-up his confidence.