Dear Bunmi,

I‘ve been seeing a man who is 15 years older than I am for the past two years. I love him more than I ever thought was possible – but things have become very tough. We were friends for a couple of years before we started a relationship, so from the start I knew he was married. When we got together it was great from day one and it wasn’t long before he told me he loved me and wanted to be with me.

But he kept on telling me that it could be years before he can leave his wife.

At first I thought he was making typical married man excuses, but a few months ago he told me the reason he couldn’t just walk out was because his wife had breast cancer and that it was terminal.

I was shocked and couldn’t believe he’d cheated on her at this time. The reason he’s now told me about her illness was that his wife found out about us. She took him back and we split up and things got nasty between us.

Eventually, we started communicating again – but he wants us to be ‘just friends’ because he doesn’t want to cause any more hurt to his dying wife. Now he won’t tell me he loves me. I say it to him, but he says he just can’t think about it.

It makes me feel so rejected. I’m sure his head is all over the place. He tells me he wants to be with me, but he won’t say he loves me. He wants to have sex, but stay just friends. What should I do?

Rolake by e-mail.

 Dear Rolake,

I’ve published your letter in full because I get letters like this all of the time and it is sad when ‘the other woman’ couldn’t read between the lines when a philandering husband gives a lot of reasons why he couldn’t leave his wife just yet

– when he knows he was having the time of his life stringing a gullible love-struck woman along. It is sad, but it happens all the time.

It’s obvious this man wants to have his cake and eat it. If he’s made a decision to stay with his wife, then he shouldn’t be carrying on the way he is with you. No ifs, no buts. More importantly, you shouldn’t allow yourself to be treated this way.

Make a clean break and do what he seems incapable of doing – moving on. You suspected what could happen when you knowingly started getting seriously involved with a married man. Cut your losses and look for a man who is free to show and tell you how much he loves you.