By Yetunde Arebi

Hi, 

I have stated this over and over again here, women, you have to learn to pick your battles. It is not all wars that you rush out to fight. It is not all conflicts that you take up arms, simply because a man has signed some documents with you and you are now Mrs Pepeye! It is not all challenges that you have to face headlong.

Women, you need to be wise, native intelligence is sometimes very important especially when faced with a very precarious situation. Dearest, that ring on your finger, that is giving you that false impression that you are Voltron, may ultimately be the death of you if you are not careful. 

And so it happened last weekend somewhere in Calabar, that another beautiful, promising, woman fell to the cold hands of death, during the Battle Of Ownership. The Lawyer, wife and mother of three lovely children lost her life in a ghastly motor accident, when she lost control of the vehicle she was driving. She reportedly died at the scene.

According to media reports, this lady may not have had a history of recklessness, but the spirit of recklessness descended on her that hot afternoon after a tip off from a good Samaritan/wellwisher/rumourmonger/homebreaker/friend that her beloved husband, the one she owned from the tip of his hair to the soles of his feet was spotted at a shopping mall with a side chick. One may only guess what was on madam’s mind on hearing of this disrespect. It could be that it was her first time hearing that her husband might be cheating on her and she wanted to confirm the hideous lies.

Or that she had been hearing about his shenanigan for a while and decided to put a stop to it by catching him red handed. This way she would remind him of his vows to her and her status in his life. Perhaps, her main target could also be this particular side chick, who might have become a mistress of sorts, so decided it was time to confront her, so she could remind her that she is Bobo’s Mrs and owner. The truth is whatever was on madam’s mind when she rushed off to go and catch up with husband and his side chick, it was not to go and join in the fun she believed they were having at her expense. 

Now, one may not readily know if this madam was naturally a catercarous character or unreasonably jealous or destructive anger, but the fact that her husband fled on sighting her is a signal for many things. That madam is excessively jealous and possessive of him, has anger issues and most likely would not be able to control herself, thereby embarrassing him and his lover in public.

A friend said it could be out of respect for her and the children too. (Hmm)! The fact that they fled on sighting her, ought to have been enough for Mrs to return home to await her husband’s return. After all, there are men who do very little to cover their tracks when they stray away from home and would not be bothered if their partners discover their infidelity or not.

There are men who even bring their side chicks into their homes for rumps and sleep overs and would dare their wives to complain. Recently evicted Big Brother Naija Housemate, Eloswags shared a snippet of the trauma his beautiful mother experienced with his father, exalting and showering her with praises for her sacrifice, love and support for him, while in the show. 

While this is not an attempt to support and encourage infidelity in relationships by men, or even women, there should be a limit to how we react to these issues. Because there is a thin line between love and hate, blind anger and jealousy can only lead to disaster. If you don’t injure or kill your partner with your low self esteem and lack of self control, you may end up killing yourself or even the products of the union in your determination to get even for the perceived hurt that you believe you have suffered as a result of your partner’s indiscretion. 

I don’t really want to dwell on the excuse that African men are poligamous and cannot stick to one woman, as some say. I say, both men and women worldwide are. It takes shared self discipline and grace for anyone to stay true to one partner all the days of their life. Other reasons include societal and traditional norms and the law, since it has been proven over and over again that religious tenets may not actually be a strong consideration. Otherwise, we will not have clergymen and women whose fingers have been caught in the cookie jar. 

Women must begin to reorientate themselves about relationships and marriage, that it is not something that completes but complements them. We must learn to understand that marriage does not define you but is a part of the many components of who you can be. No one is going to be tried as a couple on judgment day, we are each accountable to God. To fulfil your destiny as a woman, you are more than a wife.

You are a daughter, sister, aunt, niece, friend and mother, and are accountable to all these roles too. If you kill yourself over a man, he will still marry another woman who may even walk roughshod over your grave. Besides, who will fill your gaps for all the positions you left behind.

There are cases of people who have caught their partners pants down but did nothing other than walk away. In such cases, erring partners often return to beg for forgiveness and never cheated again. My only pain about the Calabar tragic incident are the three helpless children who have been deprived of their mother. 

One truth we must understand when you are in a relationship or union is that no matter what you do, (perhaps with the exception of spirituality) you cannot hold down a partner who doesn’t want to be held down. The conviction must come from within, it cannot be forced. Another truth is that you cannot truly love, if you do not love yourself. Think about this, till we meet again next edition. 

Do have a wonderful weekend!!!