Haroon Balogun

The greatest advantage Muslim parents have over their children is the existence of Quranic verses and Prophetic hadiths that remind us of how we should treat our parents; of how they should be cared for when they grow old. Sadly, however, sometimes parents use this as the most effective way of emotionally blackmailing or manipulating their children to achieve their own desires and whims.

That to a large extent is not prevailent in a real and ideal Muslim homes since Muslim parents know their responsibilities to their children and vice-versa.
The Parent-child relationship is as important as the husband-wife relationship which we treated on this column some weeks ago.  To maintain any social order, the relationships have to be reciprocal.

Islam clearly defines the rights of parents which can be interpreted as duties of children, as well as  and obligations of parents (which in other words are the rights of children.
After Allah our parents deserve gratitude and obedience for the favors they had done us. That is why Quran stresses  humility, kindness and gratitude to parents.

“And your Lord has ordained that you shall worship none save Him and shall do good to your parents.”  Goodness to parents includes obeying them, speaking softly, avoiding harsh words or harsh tone, giving them company when they are lonely, caring for their physical and psychological needs (especially when they are old), and praying to Allah that He may bless them and have mercy on them.

But some parents  are critical, demeaning and harsh.  Islam states that you should not treat them harshly but accept the reality and learn to humble yourself, no matter what they say or do to you. You will have to be strong and independent in spirit to do that anyway. You will have to find validation of your worth within yourself by complying with the dictates of the Quran and hadiths on issues with your parents.

Sometimes, it can be very hard to resist the negative labels that parents put on you. Nothing wounds like an insult from a parent. Their words have a way of permeating into our brains and their characters sometimes have a way of humiliating you especially when they are getting older, but it is very wrong, quite un-Islamic to react negatively or pour invectives and vituperations on them.

We must be patient with them and love them, without buying into their negativity. When you speak to your parents, breathe deeply and slowly. Don’t let anything they say make you nervous. No matter what they do, dont write harsh letters to them.

As to the reward for doing good to our parents a Hadith mentions the following story: Three persons of ancient days were once travelling in a mountainous region. The rain, thunder and lightning made them take refuge in a cave. Mudslide made a stone block the opening to the cave. The persons were entrapped inside. When the storm stopped they tried to push back the heavy stone to get out of the cave but they could not.

They wondered ‘what to do now’. At last seeing that their joint efforts also cannot move the stone they decided to pray to Allah sincerely. One of them suggested, ‘each one of us should relate one good thing he has done in his life and beg Allah to move the stone. One said, “One night my old mother asked me to bring a cup of milk for her. During the time I milched the goat and brought it to her she had gone to sleep.

I did not think it proper to disturb her. So, I stood by her bedside for the whole night till she got up in the morning and then I offered her the cup of milk. O God, if this act of mine was approved by You please shift this stone.” The stone slipped a little but not enough to let them get out. Similarly, the second and the third man mentioned an act of goodness and prayed to God to shift the stone.

The stone slipped down and the way out of the  cave opened up. So the men got out. This story shows how good deed to one’s parents leads to blessings from God and rescue from troubles.
As stated above, the tasks also demands the reciprocity of the parents in doing good to their children. The children also deserve to be treated with kindness and endless love.

Here are a few tips that might help Muslim parents in raising their children.
Apologize when you hurt them: Saying sorry for your mistakes will exalt your ranks, and teach your children to do the same. For example, saying to your toddler: “I’m sorry, I did not mean to be so harsh,” would take a load off your back and make you feel better yourself.

Admit it to your child when you’re wrong and they are right: Children can help their parents a lot, especially when the parents are getting old.  If the parent has a humble attitude instead of a “know-it-all” one, they can pave the way for positive learning on both sides.

More importantly, though, winning an argument should never be your goal just because you have rights over your children. Say “You are right” to them when they are. That way, you will be teaching them by example to give you the respect which you supposedly deserve as well.

Remember every day that you will be called to account for even the slightest discrepancy left in giving them their dues.  Just like all other relations in this world, children have rights upon parents, which they will be asked about. Just being conscious of this impending reality will enable parents to forego their children’s mistakes and shortcomings, and focus instead on proper upbringing of their children.

Be a repentant parent: In Islam, any position of authority is a position of accountability before Allh, including parenthood. The more pious a person is, the more he fears Allh regarding the high positions he occupies in this world. That is why our pious predecessors would – literally – run away from the posts of judges and kings that were offered to them.

Similarly, a Muslim parent keeps track of his shortcomings as a human being, and seeks Allh’s forgiveness for his errors.
It is obvious that after having gone through the pains and strains of raising young children – naturally, parents are entitled to high rights over their children.  Only a few know that if your children respect you, obey you and eventually, take care of you in your old age, they  doing themselves a favor. You, on the other hand, should not consider them an ‘investment’ in this world; rather, you should consider them as investment for your hereafter. By that, I mean that you should just do your best in instilling Islamic values in them, by imparting Islamic knowledge to them and making them live an Islamic life. This is because Allah will definitely ask you how you played your role on them. What they do on their own after may not be your own business as that is them and Allah. Islam is entirely a way you live your life.