By Douglas Anele

All this indicates that those who look up to religion for guidance on the issue of marriage are liable to make serious mistakes. There is strong evidence from psychology most especially psychoanalysis that obsessive and irrational condemnation of sexual freedom by most founders of religion is due to a combination of superstitious beliefs about sex and thwarting of natural sexual impulse in early life.

However, promotion of happiness in this life is not important in the agenda of prophets whose overriding concern was inculcation of virtue in preparation for the hereafter, which explains their pathological preoccupation with adultery and fornication. The notion that a happy and successful marriage must be one built on lifelong exclusion of other sex relations is a relic of irrational jealousy and possessiveness hiding under the veneer of religious virtue.

As we argued earlier, human beings, left in their natural state, are polygamous in their sexual orientation. Therefore, although there are reasonable grounds for avoiding extramarital affairs, it makes a lot of sense for married people to forgive each other in cases of occasional sexual infidelity, more so if the offending partner has other excellent qualities that make continuation of the marriage worthwhile.

Sexual exclusivity either in marriage (or outside of it) stems from the psychology of ownership of property, that is, on the conviction that the husband and wife own each other just like people own material objects. However, a human being cannot belong to another human being the way a table or shoe belongs to its owner. Human beings are existentially free, which means that freedom to choose is inherent in all of us.

If sexual fidelity were fundamental to our survival, we would have evolved biological and psychological mechanisms to ensure a man, once married, ceases to be attracted to any other woman, and a woman, once married, ceases to be attracted to another man. Fortunately, human beings are not anthropoid apes who instinctively remain monogamous. Humans have the power of imagination to break up entrenched habits and begin a new mode of behaviour.

That is why, in spite of all that culture and religion has done through the ages to ensure that people stick to one sexual partner particularly after marriage, people find the situation suffocating, and go to extremes lengths to deceive their spouses in order to maintain some semblance of orthodox morality while having extramarital sexual relations.

Deception and hypocrisy in marriage to maintain a warped sexual ethic is bad, just as closing one’s mind in marriage against all approaches of decent sexual encounters from elsewhere reduces receptivity and sympathy and opportunities of valuable human interaction. Many couples think that the best way to sustain their marriages is to become each other’s policeman.

This is a frustrating attitude borne out of excessive jealousy and lack of trust. A man who suspects his wife of having an affair would stealthily search her text messages, easily believe gossips about his spouse flirting with another man, and use private detective to spy on her. Wives also do the same thing to their husbands. In most cases, when such effort to prove infidelity succeeds, the marriage breaks up.

This usually happens if the woman is at fault. Most Nigerian men believe, wrongly, that extramarital affair by their wives is an abomination, whereas they can indulge their sexual appetite with other women without qualms. Unless a man is a chronic womaniser, his wife is not likely to divorce him because of occasional infidelity.

Majority of our women are dependent on their husbands for sustenance, and the double standard of sexual morality is such that people merely wink when a man commits adultery, whereas if a woman does exactly the same thing the full weight of religion-based moral indignation and sanction is brought to bear on her. A genuinely happy marriage is possible only when there is complete equality between husband and wife, and there must be no interference with mutual freedom.

Intellectual and emotional maturity are desiderata in this regard, since both are necessary for controlling the natural tendency for sexual promiscuity as well as excessive jealousy that makes couples dissolve an otherwise successful marriage because of infidelity. Is easy divorce the answer or solution to every marriage experiencing problems? Given the rapid increase in divorce cases in many countries, one can justifiably conclude that for many couples the answer is a resounding “Yes”. I believe that granting easy divorce is a wrong approach to the turbulence of marriage.

Clearly, when a marriage is childless, divorce could be the best for couples that have expressed strong desire to discontinue their union. When children are involved, matters become a little more complicated. Whenever the psychological basis of marriage has, for whatever reason, decayed to the point where a couple quarrel heatedly on a regular basis in the presence of their children, it is better to annul the marriage to prevent both physical and emotional damage to the children. Of course, sexual instinct in humans is polygamous; but for various reasons it is important that adults, not just married people alone, should control themselves.

However, the individual must exercise the control of sexual impulse necessary for marital stability voluntarily: it should not be an imposition by an external authority no matter how elevated or sublime. To repeat, most times it is better for a couple to forgive each other if sex with someone else happens.

Russell rightly argues that a marriage which begins with passionate love and produces children who are desired should generate such an intimate connection between a man and woman that they will feel their companionship is worth preserving, even after sexual passion has dissipated, and even if either or both feel sexual passion for someone else.

Unfortunately, this rational attitude to marriage is not prevalent because of jealousy. Jealousy, which, according to Russell is an instinctive emotion, can be controlled if it is recognised as bad, and not supposed to be the expression of a just moral indignation or an emotional concomitant of genuine love. A marriage that has lasted for a considerable period in which the husband and wife have shared numerous deeply felt events is too precious and should not be annulled simply because one or both partners are passionate about someone new.

People that have lived together for many years should really think long and hard before seeking divorce, because the passage of time consolidates values that enrich human experience within the intimate relationship of matrimony. Other fallacious views about marriage include the belief that all adults must marry, that the dignity and honour of a woman resides in her husband, and that marriage is necessary for happiness and fulfilment in life. Unless one is completely pachydermatous to reason and commonsense, there is no ground whatsoever to suppose that everyone ought to marry.

Aside from people with serious physical and mental disabilities, a significant number of so-called “normal people” lack the intellectual, economic, emotional and moral wherewithal to marry, let alone produce and rear offspring. TO BE CONTINUED.