By Bunmi Sofola
Dear Bunmi,
I’m an old-fashioned man and like to treat a woman correctly. I have a good job and I recently re-located to the country.

I open doors for my girlfriends and hate to see a woman carrying heavy bags. But I find women don’t accept my chivalry and prefer men who treat them badly. Where am I going wrong? My friends say women prefer the ‘tough’ guys who slap them around, is this true?
Harry,
By e-mail

Dear Harry,
I think you’re trying a little too hard! As a woman, it is wonderful to be treated with kindness and respect, but a little too much protection feels controlling and smothering. Try to relax a little with your next girlfriend. Take the time to find out who she is, her likes, dislikes, her dreams and disappointments rather than carrying her bags. Be open and show your strength and weaknesses. People distrust a person who’s too good to be true.

Women don’t like ‘roughnecks’ either. Be violent and they’re likely to walk!

Girls’ liberation really confusing

Dear Bunmi,
I have just come out of a marriage that lasted almost 12 years. It was an amicable separation and I’m not interested in getting seriously involved with anyone, but I recently had some one-night stands which I’ve handled badly. I’m not sure what’s expected of me anymore – the dating scene seems to have changed since I was last out there.

Women always want me to go to their place, which I find weird, but nice. Recently, when I asked for a girl’s number the next morning, she was really rude and said: “I think we both know that’s not necessary, don’t you?”.
One thing hasn’t changed though, women still trot out the old,  “I don’t usually do this,” line. Can you give me some clues on what to expect next time around?
Julius,
By e-mail

Dear Julius,
Some things have changed as you’ve discovered-others haven’t. The reason she always wants to go back to her place is that women are more aware of physical safety these days. Even if there’s no flat-mate at home, women usually know their neighbours. Not only does she feel safer, she feels more in control-her place means her terms. Going back to yours, means facing the walk of shame. She has to figure out how to get home and can’t turn up at work in the same clothes.

Having said that, women are still keen for you to think “she doesn’t usually do this sort of thing.” Even in these liberated days, it’s still drummed into our heads from when we are little girls that women don’t just have sex because they feel like it, there should be a higher, more moral purpose. Saying it out loud justifies it both to you and her. Or it could also be that she’s hoping to see you again. Just because you’re not looking for something long-term doesn’t mean she isn’t.

If you want to call her, get her number. But if you have no interest, just sat, “that was a great night. I’ll see you around,” and hotfoot it out of the front door. It might seem cruel but it’s way kinder than leaving her wondering if there was more to it.

She can’t stand my kids

Dear Bunmi,
I am a divorcee and I recently got involved with a woman I care so much about. The problem is she’s trying to push my two kids out of her life. She doesn’t want my children to visit me and says my old life and everything in it is in the past.

She has two kids of her own and the only family she  talks about is her, me and her children. But my children are more important to me than she knows. She’s being selfish. I love her, but my feelings for her are being put under strain, and if she tries to make me choose between her and my kids, she will lose. My ex-wife and I will never get back together as she has her own life to live, but my children need stability and a father. Do I try and make it work with my lover, or should I walk away?
Vincent,
By e-mail

Dear Vincent,
What impression did you give her when you first got together with her – that you didn’t really care about your children? If you can’t make her see how unreasonable she is being, wanting you to make your children disappear out of your life, walking away is your only option. Already, they’ve had to put up with the distress of seeing their parents’ marriage fall apart. To stop them from seeing the dad they love is downright cruel.

If she loves you as much as you seem to be in love with her, she’ll want the best for all the people involved in this relationship.