Dear Bunmi,

I’m 23 and in love with a man a year older, who still lives with his parents.

His jealousy is ruining our relationship. I love him very much and I know that he loves me too. We’ve been together for over a year.

But he keeps walking out on me just when we’ve got back together. He’s convinced that I want to be with someone else who can satisfy me more – sexually.

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When I reassure him that I want only him and that he does satisfy me, he accepts it for a while and admits that he’s being silly. But then he starts accusing me of betraying him. I get angry and he goes back to his parents’ house. Then I chase after him and it starts all over again.

I don’t know how to change the way he thinks and feels, because I was in a long relationship before. He’s convinced that I must want to go out and meet other men. I don’t know what else to do with him.

Bunmi, by e-mail.

Dear Bunmi,

I am afraid there’s nothing you can say or do that will improve your man’s poor opinion of himself. It’s not your behaviour, but his low esteem that convinces him that, inevitably, you’ll betray him.

His belief that he is inadequate is deeply rooted. He has a boyish belief that, in a sense, his penis is smaller than other men’s. So, how could he possibly satisfy you?

His breaking up with you has become a damaging ritual. He feels less threatened when he runs back home. There then followed moment of self-belief when you beg him to return to you.

Briefly, he feels confident and wanted. But because of his low self-esteem, this feeling, as you’ve often discovered, cannot last long. His sense of inadequacy always returns. So, next time he walks out, do not chase after him.

Gently tell him the truth, that you need a man who is not a yo-yo but a constant companion. If and when he starts to believe in himself, it will be a long time from now and possibly with another woman.