Dear Bunmi,

Do you think it’s a common thing for a 49-year-old man not to want sex? My husband and I got married two years ago – it is the second time for both of us.

We managed to have sex a few times during the three years we courted but since we got married, I can count on my fingers, the number of times we’ve had sex. He told me just before we got married that he no longer needed sex but I thought that after marriage, and with me constantly by his side, he would change his mind. But he hasn’t.

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So why did he get married? Sometimes we go through the routine as if we ‘11 go all the way, then he turns over and goes to sleep. It’s very frustrating, I tell you. My husband has refused to talk about his problem and acts as if I’m, making a big deal of it.

His first wife had several affairs, then left him for someone else. I know there are a lot worse things that happen in a relationship than not having sex, but this is ridiculous! Do you believe we have a future together? Or should I divorce him? I feel frustrated and wouldn’t want to get married a third time.
Franka, by e-mail.

Dear Franka,
It’s obvious that your husband’s sex drive has been weak for a long time. The poor man suffered the humiliation of his wife sleeping with other men and then leaving him in the end. This must have given him the sense that he is inadequate and likely to be rejected, even by a woman he loves and who loves him.

By confiding in you that he no longer needed sex, he is asking you to accept that he now rarely feels aroused and is near impotent. So, every time you mention the absence of sex, his fear of rejection “becomes intense.

Instead of reassuring him that this new marriage he was courageous enough to go into wouldn’t end in humiliation, you’re already plotting your escape! He’s tried to make love a few times only for his attempts to backfire miserably; which obviously adds to his frustration.

Help your husband to accept that your marriage will survive you are not having sex and accept this yourself. Tell him foreplay should not necessarily be followed by penetrative sex and encourage him to stimulate you to orgasm.

Your husband needs to feel that he can still satisfy a woman sexually and mutual massage is a wonderful way for a couple to share intimacy and affection – it can also encourage intense orgasm by you, and your man. Give it a try.

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