By Bunmi Sofola

ABOUT a year ago, a survey challenged the myths about sex in later life with an audacious claim – that not only does sex get better but some women are more sexually satisfied at 80 than they were in their 50s. But are we really to believe this? Recently, I read the contrasting views of two writers on whether you’re even too old to enjoy yourself in the bedroom! Marie de Hannezel is 70 and is all for it! She wrote:

“Eyes closed and nestled tenderly against each other, the couple on the train appeared to be in a world of their own. From the slow, sensual way he stroked her hand to her contented smile, it was obvious they were not only very much in love but also enjoyed a healthy physical relationship too.

“Yet this was not a pair of young lovebirds in their 20s, but I discovered, a couple in their 80s. Does the thought of their obvious passion for each other make you feel uncomfortable? If it does, you wouldn’t be  alone because there are many who find the idea of older people being intimate together distasteful. It would be easy to attribute this reaction to living in a world of ‘perfect’ airbrushed models and films that rarely depict sex unless it involves a nubile and beautiful young couple. While cultural obsession with youth is a factor, it is more ingrained than that.

“The truth is, no generation likes to imagine their parents making love. It is built into us not to consider older people – those over 60 – as sexual beings. But I believe this attitude needs rethinking. I am 70 and one of the generation who benefited from the sexual revolution of the sixties, the decade that saw the advent of the Pill and abortion rights. Now I am arguing for a new sexual revolution: one that respects and acknowledges the sexual needs of older people. Because what I found while researching my book Sex After Sixty was that there is no age limit to love, sex and desire – even if we hide it after a certain age.

“There are many reasons why intimacy in your 60s, 70s and 80s is something to be celebrated. It can play a key role in good physical and psychological health – sexual arousal causes the heart rate to climb in a similar way to gentle exercise, while close physical contact can lower blood pressure and enable people to cope better with stress. There is even a link between regular sex and a more robust immune system. Of course there are those who genuinely do lose interest in physical intimacy as they age. But others would like to maintain a close physical relationship with their partner but feel they shouldn’t because it’s ‘not appropriate’ for someone their age.

“Or they have no idea how to, as bodies age and parts don’t function as they once did. Yet there are good reasons for believing that your 60s and beyond can be your most satisfying years sexually. One woman I spoke to, Macha, is in her early 70s but has the glow and energy of someone decades younger. She told me she believes you can only experience real sexual pleasures once you have turned 60 because this is when you no longer have anything to prove and are finally free to be yourself. Other people find out that with retirement

and an empty nest comes the chance to relive their youth and enjoy a level of sensuality they might not have experienced when younger.

“Research suggests that as women age they can enjoy more intense and satisfying orgasms. At the heart of this, I believe, is the way we define ‘making love’. Studies into sex and older people often seem to produce conflicting results. One survey of 800 women over 40 found

that the oldest age group had the highest percentage of ‘sexual satisfaction.’ Yet another found sexual satisfaction decreases dramatically in women as they age. But in the first study, ‘sexual activity’ referred to a range of intimate pleasure, while the second was concerned more narrowly with ‘coital activity’. It is the key that we reframe our understanding of a ‘good sex life’ after 60 so it is less about athletic performance and more to do with the mind. It is gentler and more sensual.

“At 70, physical intimacy is something I am certainly not yet ready to give up. Although I have been divorced for many years, I have a lover who is seven years younger than me. Our physical connections helps me maintain a youthful outlook. Inside, I still feel 30 and I am ready for adventures as much as I was then. That sex can help you feel young is surely a good enough reason not to give it up if you don’t want to.”

Like me, Virgini Ironside is an agony aunt.  I was therefore mildly amused she said she wasn’t”aunt. I was”mildly amused she wasn’t for sex over 70 caper judging by all the advice she’s dished out over the years to her distraught readers. She wrote: “‘Darling: says the wife to her husband as they reel home after her 65th birthday party.

‘When we get back home, let’s rush upstairs and make wild passionate love.’ ‘Sorry darling,’ groans the husband. ‘It’s one or the other, but I can’t do both.’ So goes the old joke. And let’s be honest, by the time we get to 70, most of us don’t mind we can’t do either. But can we rest on our laurels, our stair – rushing, passionate love making days safely behind us?

“No, it seems the Sex Nazis are after us again, this time with a survey by the International Longevity Centre UK, which found that those over 80 tended to be more sexually satisfied than when they were in their 50s, 60s or 70s. This was partly as relationships strengthen

with age, which seems a reasonable conclusion. The sex may occur less often but it is comforting, familiar. What left me adjusting my reading glasses was the claim that women, in particular, find it easier to become aroused in their 80s than in their 60s. Know any frisky

female octogenarians swinging from the chandeliers? Me neither. Most of us have enough troubles trying to remember why we came into the room, trying to get in and out of the bath and looking after the grandchildren, without having to worry about our sex lives. Anyway, most older couples I know shut up shop sex-wise years ago. And happily so – not that this report would have you believe it.

“As young women in the seventies, our new sexual freedom opened a Pandora’s box. Far from being liberating, the preoccupation with orgasms created terrible anxiety for those who had them rarely or not at all. We searched in vain for the G-spot and wondered if we would ever achieve the fabled simultaneous orgasms. The quest for a good sex life became a tyranny. And now we’re facing that pressure again.

“Of course some lucky people continue to have great sex lives when they are older. But most don’t, and it’s usually for one of two reasons. After the menopause, a woman may well suffer from physical conditions which can’t be cured with hormonal creams or HRT.

Likewise, a man may suffer from erectily dysfunction. Sometimes this can be corrected with viagra. Not always. It is also as you get older, you realise love is not just about sex. Holding hands on a country walk, and sharing the joy of seeing grand-children grow up can also bring togetherness.

“Many of today’s elderly were once sexual trailbrazers. So please don’t make us feel inadequate now we have finally called it a day.”

“So what do you readers think? Should sex end in your dotage!? Please share your views through a text message.