By Francis Ewherido

I believe every marriage that breaks up impoverishes and diminishes humanity. I personally feel very sad. That is why I find the breakup of the marriage of the Ooni of Ife, Oba Enitan Adeyeye Ogunwusi, and his wife, Olori Wuraola Zaynab, very painful. The marriage lasted barely 17 months.

Marriage, seemingly simple as it looks, is complicated with many twists and turns. That is why third parties should not jump to conclusions and begin to pass judgment on marital breakups. But we can all learn some lessons. Olori Wuraola accused third parties of interfering in her marriage, falsely accusing her of infertility, infidelity and behavior unbecoming of an Olori. Then her husband, whom she expected to protect her, kept quiet.

Ooni of Ife

The Ooni has not responded as at the time of writing and never should, if I am in his shoes. Public figure or not, marriage is a private matter and the more private, the better. Olori said the marriage is over, so of what use is his response? It will only satisfy the curiosity of the public, sell more copies of news publications and attract more traffic to online publications.

Without hearing from the Ooni, some commentators have already started accusing the Olori of not being submissive, of wanting the glamour without the grind, of not fully understanding what she was going into. For me, what are important are the lessons we can learn from the breakup. I will comment on what the Olori and others said, not because I believe them, but because these things do happen all the time and we can learn some lessons from them

One, like food, too many cooks easily spoil the broth in marriage. Even in polygamous marriages, only those involved should “cook” the food. Leave out the third parties. There is something about being involved and having experience. Outsiders do not have it; they can only assume and assumptions are not good enough.

The trouble with many marriages today results from interference by extended family members, friends and others. Sometimes the interference is direct and obvious. Sometimes, it is latent and that is the deadlier one. It creeps in like a thief in the night. It is like hypertension; if you do not diagnose it and deal with it early enough, it causes stroke to your marriage, deforms or kills it. Example is a male colleague in the office, who showers a married female colleague with gifts her husband cannot afford. This is latent interference.

Two, spouses expect and deserve protection from their other halves against third parties. It is better you protect your spouse in public and let him/her know his/her faults privately (It is not good to sweep issues under the carpet because you will not be helping your spouse to get better). Ideally, if couples, who are public figures, decide to split, it is better they make a public announcement about their separation/divorce and leave it there.

“The Ooni and I are no more” should have been enough; Olori should not have smuggled in the plight of the Africa woman. The Ooni married her alone, not all African women.  Many readers never knew about these issues; Olori accidentally has become the chief broadcaster.

Also, protecting each other should extend to keeping sealed lips about the reasons for the split, except if it is against public policy or decency, like domestic violence. As for couples, who are not in the public domain, do everything quietly and go your separate ways. No need for antagonism, which can become a stumbling block if you change your mind and decide to come back together later. Responsible spouses, in any case, do not celebrate separation/divorce. Even if the marriage was hell, rejoice privately. I do not see any reason for a show.

Three is courtship. I have written extensively on it before and will not go into details, but intending couples must spend sufficient time to study their potential spouses before going ahead with marriage. Marriage is supposed to be a lifelong journey and you do not take hasty decisions. The more you know about your fiancé(e), the higher the likelihood your marriage will survive.

Over time, I have used much imagery to depict the marital institution: cage, bed of roses, hell, building, etc. Again, I find myself using imagery, a raw egg, to describe marriage. Couples and intending couples need to treat marriage like a raw egg. Like a raw egg, marriage – every marriage – is fragile. If you do not handle it with care, it will breakup.

Also, raw eggs carry with them lives of a new generation of chicken, just as marriage has a life of its own and also bring forth new lives (offspring) to perpetuate family lineage and humanity. In addition, a mother hen sits on her eggs for about 21 days before they hatch. Twenty days is a long time in the life of a hen with a life expectancy of six to 12 years, that is, if it survives the many Easter, Christmas and other celebrations within the intervening years. Sitting for 21 days demands love, commitment, sacrifice, patience, perseverance and focus. That is marriage for you.

If you treat it right, an egg almost always turns out just the way you want it. Those incubated hatch chicks and those boiled or fried nourish the body and provide essential proteins. Treated badly, raw eggs break or rot and produce very foul smell. That is marriage for you. Handle it well and it will bring happiness, progress, fruitfulness and peace of mind. Handle it wrongly and it gives you a foretaste of hell. Really, like egg, like marriage.