Dear Bunmi,

I‘ve been married to my husband for four years now and he is a wonderful husband and father. Unfortunately, I’ve only enjoyed being with him for two years – the other two, I want to forget. At the start of our relationship, he treated me like dirt.

When I became pregnant, he said he didn’t want anything to do with me or the baby.

My parents kicked against my terminating the pregnancy – so did his. In the end, we had a registry do.

After I had the baby, however, something changed. He gradually became committed to the marriage and now he’s caring and attentive. He gives me a generous

housekeeping allowance and he’s a brilliant dad. Only, I can’t seem to forget what

happened in the past, and I hate him for what he put me through. Will I ever be able to forgive him?

Banke, by e-mail.

Dear Banke,

It’s not possible to wipe your memory banks clean of an event. But it is possible

to take away the bad feeling about that event by considering it in a different way. In short, you need to rethink your feelings about your partner. Remember, your pregnancy wasn’t planned and he panicked. Unfortunately, you’re now focusing on how awful

he was at first, and you’re letting that make you wary of how he is now.

But try thinking of it all in reverse. Think how much strength it has taken him to

shift from being awful to being pleasant. Think how much he must love you in order to change his character, and his approach to life so dramatically. So, don’t struggle to forget the past. Instead, rethink what the previous years tell you about your partner – and you’ll find it easy to forgive him and enjoy you’r marriage with all its prospects.