By Josephine Agbonkhese, Anino Aganbi & Chris Onuoha

HE is 30, she is 42.

You meet a guy and there’s an instant connection – you’re both into Orange Is the New Black, his dry sense of humour kills you, and those eyes just wow you, not to talk about those killer smiles!

They sure would do something to those butterflies fluttering in your belly. And then you learn that the same year you graduated from the university, he was wrapping up his final year in secondary school. At some point in the not so distant past, a man in a relationship with an older woman, regardless of the age difference was almost seen to be a taboo in the African society.

Although the western world has stopped making much disparity on the older woman-younger man relationship, this has still been a big deal in the Nigerian and African society.

Common relationship pattern

Braving “rubbing the cradle” jokes, almost one-third of women between ages 40 and 69 are dating younger men. With the most common relationship pattern being the older man-younger woman relationship, the reverse is now the case. Some younger men would rather date an older woman for reasons best known to themselves. We would discover that some men date older women not because of love, but because of financial stability.

Joke and hussy

Times have changed: Older women have had relationships with younger men since history began. But in the past only rich, famous or powerful women were able to do so and survive the condemnation from society. While this might have worked in the western world, it took a whole lot of time before the average family in Nigeria would willingly allow a son of the house bring home an older girl as his date, he would not even have the guts to broach the idea of marrying her to his family.

Joke, 39, is one of the lucky few, as her 37-year-old fiancé has been dating her for five years, and is bent on marrying her. “Last year, he had gone as far as approaching my mother for my hand in marriage. In fact we had set a date for the traditional wedding but for the fact that I lost my mother that very month.”

At first she was reticent, thinking the relationship would not last but so far so good. “Joseph (her fiancé) is so matured, it is difficult to tell that I am older. Besides, ladies now take care of themselves so much that it might be difficult to tell the age”.

Cultural beliefs

A lot of people would say it is against the Nigerian/ African tradition and cultural beliefs for any man to be in a relationship where the woman is older even if it is just a year or two years difference age-wise. They would come up with all sorts of old wives tales just to discourage any form of relationship. This is the view of the former vice-chancellor of a national university who prefers not to be named and who has been married to his older wife, also a professor, for close to fifty years.

“You would be surprised  how many of our colleagues  gossiped about us; and this is in an environment where everyone is highly educated. My mother hated my wife with a passion but after a while they became the best of friends because of the way my wife took care of my father when he was dying, and Mama was too old to do much”. He advises such couples facing discrimination to stick it out as long as their love is ‘sure’, in the belief that people would come round eventually.

Societal beliefs: With the society believing that the man should be older in any relationship, several relationships where the woman is older than the man – especially in Africa – are facing rejection, opposition, and mockery because people feel such relationships are against the norms, and they should not be accepted. In fact, some people chose to call it a ‘taboo’. This trait does not only remain in the society, but gets absolved into families.

In the case of Valerie- a 42-year-old banker dating 33-year-old Uche, a businessman, his entire village have sworn it is over their dead body that the duo would get married. Their concern? They are worried about Valerie’s ability to become a mother.

Biblical injunction

According to her, however, they are going ahead with the marriage and have started shopping towards their big day. “We will invite everybody. It’s left or them to come or not to come”.

She says Uche wears the pants in the relationship and claims he is far far richer than she is.”However, he consults me before taking any decision, and I must admit I am sometimes overbearing but it has nothing to do with the fact that I am older. It is better he knows now what I will and will not tolerate before I jump into marriage”.

She further reiterates:  “He already has a child and is not in a hurry to have another. Besides, he can afford to pay for any treatment when we are ready to give birth”.

Religion: Prince Olagunju Soji Robert, Chairman, CEO, Lumen Christi Television Network ,Lekki, Lagos; a marriage expert and an armour bearer in Catholic faith opined that “According to biblical injunction is in affirmation to no age difference in a well consecrated marriage.

When asked to react however, Valerie says the strongest critics of her relationship are members of the parish where both she and her fiancé  worship. “In fact”, she stresses, “it is one of the ‘nosey-parkers’ in our parish who went to announce to my fiance’s family that I am older”.