By Bunmi Sofola

Here, a marriage counsellor who has spent 16 years sifting through the ruins of other people’s relationships, gives his analysis of how a partnership can lose its way, and a few suggestions for not letting it happen.

(a) Signs she is having an affair: Look for a sudden short-term drop- off sex. Everyone has appetites— exactly where is she satisfying hers? Radically different sexual behaviour: if she suddenly starts suggesting things he hasn’t done before, or doing things very differently even if it’s better, where is she getting the ideas from?

Sudden increase in working hours: ‘This can easily be innocent, but where’s the extra cash? (You might never know if lover boy is giving her over-time pay!) Sexually  transmitted infections: Towels and toilet seat explanations simply aren’t good enough.

(b) Things she is getting from an affair that she is not getting at home: Excitement that is the main thing. Having a secret life. If you are clever enough, your marriage should be her secret life!

   Full time attention: He is trying harder than you. Usually a step up, someone better than the

husband in at least one respect—looks, money, youth.

(c)Mistakes husbands make: Not adjusting to the fact that you are married. Like it or not, you are now part of a double act, and you can’t carry on as if nothing’s happened. Women like to see      visible  signs of commitment, so cut down on after work drinks with the boys.

Getting Fat:It sounds harsh, but there are a lot of thin guys out there who’ll be trying it on your wife. Taking her for granted: Undervaluing her, expecting her to be there and expecting her not to get suspicious when you’re having affairs.

Over-working: A lot of high-achieving guys drive themselves hard often thinking it is for the sake of their wives or family. But putting in excessive hours to generate your wealth just provides her with motive, means and opportunity for adultery.

However painful, there comes a time when a marriage is beyond repair, continues the counsellor. According to him, “Violence is not a good sign.

Some relationships survive it, but it’s always a black mark, never to be forgotten. It happens to the men more than you’d think; big, strong men sometimes; they just don’t defend themselves against their violent wives.

Child Abuse: Again mainly perpetrated by men, but occasionally women. “If she’s with someone clearly out of your league. If she’s that ruthlessly upwardly mobile, you’ve had it. “If addictions are involved: Gambling, drinking, drugs, whatever, it blocks everything else out and people get

pushed away past their limits….

Finally, you are to remember that when your relationship is threatened, you must spend some time away from the environment.