By CHIOMA GABRIEL, Editor, Special Features
Have you ever wondered why there is so much talk about sex in the 21st century? Everything about a life is linked to sex and the woman. She is a poet’s dream. An artist’s impression. The lyrics of a successful male musician. The dance steps of a skilled instrumentalist and a photographer’s imagination.
Her body is always dissected under the male purview.
It has often been said: Woman is a necessary evil; a desirable calamity and a domestic peril. Love her or hate her, you cannot simply do without her.
And you have often asked the question, what’s on a man’s mind?
In this 21st century, the world is awash with a pandemic of sexual issues and the popular media over-emphasize scintillating topics as celebrity wardrobes, lifestyle of the rich, the famous and the infamous. The fashion magazines are filled with who’s hot, sexy, sassy, sensual, stimulating and scintillating. The moralists are reading the hard newspapers and magazines with fashion magazines of sexy, half-nude celebrities hidden in the centres.
It’s all about the woman and her body.
Fashion and celebrity magazines , known for its notoriously racy covers and highly sexualized content are high-selling and boast of high readership.
Sex is everywhere: Music videos, movies, reality shows, ads, online porn, prostitutes in video games. The more sexual content kids watch and listen to, the earlier they’re likely to have sex themselves.
Music, video games, and the Internet are also filled with sexually explicit, often-degrading messages that can shape kids’ attitudes about sex
Sex is also reductive; it reduces humanity to something very basic, primal – the opposite, perhaps, of the civilised, social selves we present to the world. It’s about the relationship between the biological and the social, the animal and the human.
Sex is the id that pushes man to war.
This means that there is much potential for tragedy when it comes to sex. If it is the seat of our hidden, suppressed selves, it is by its very nature where we are most vulnerable. The potential for disaster – for hurt, pain, exposure, suffering, guilt, shame, etc. is huge.
A research shows that teens’ main source of information about sex, dating and sexual health comes from what they see and hear in the media. Experts say that the media can be an effective sex educator when it includes specific information on birth control methods and sexually transmitted diseases.
From many indications, teens think watching TV with a lot of sexual content influences their peers’ behaviour somewhat or a lot. On average, music videos contain 93 sexual situations per hour, including 11 hard-core scenes depicting behaviour like intercourse and oral sex.
The current female teenager wants to be like Kylie Jenner and wears her pouts.
The Kardashians are the fastest selling reality show in the world and the twenty-first century young woman follows the Kardashian/Jenner story like a religion.
Kim Kardashian or Kylie Jenner would break the internet any day.
And what is about them?
Sex. Hot sex enshrined in a family.
Cosmopolitan magazine has won several awards as the fastest selling glossy magazine .The magazine, and in particular its cover stories, have become increasingly sexually explicit in tone, and covers have models wearing revealing clothes. It was well known for sexual explicitness, with strong sexual language, male nudity and coverage of such subjects as rape.
The magazine currently features topics including sex, relationships, beauty, fashion and health.
Cosmopolitan has 64 international editions worldwide published in 35 languages with distribution in more than 100 countries making Cosmopolitan the largest-selling young women’s magazine in the world.
What keeps the magazine going was the sex talk.
Many strong magazines and newspapers across the globe have closed shop and others have ended up with only online publishing. They stopped doing well but magazines like
Cosmopolitan and Playboy will continue to rule the world because of their contents.
Africa is not different. In Nigeria, the soft-sell magazines are the ultimate and men read them hidden inside the newspapers. They stare on the half-naked bodies of Nollywood girls and fashion models while pretending to be reading the serious stories about politics and the economy. They watch online porn in their laptops and phones while they pretend to work on the serious stuff.
Sex and the girl child
Most thoughts about girls are all about sex. Girls often face pressures to engage in sexual activity.
Girls are more vulnerable than boys to the consequences of unprotected and premature sexual relations.
All the talk about sweet sixteen is about young girls and sex. The young men in their peer groups talk about girls, what they wear and their beautiful faces. When they see one, they size up her entire body features and get her enshrined in their minds to lust about later in the confines of their beds in the night.
From 1998 to the present time, the number of sexual scenes on TV has quadrupled. One in five children will be approached by a sexual predator online. 15-to 24-year-olds account for nearly half of all STD diagnoses each year. Watching a lot of sexual content on TV and listening to sexually explicit music lyrics increase the chances that a teen will have sex at an earlier age.
At a wedding reception in Enugu ten years ago, the new bride, a young female medical doctor was asked her greatest wish in marriage and she answered : ‘having children and having them all male’
Her disturbed uncle who gave her to the groom at the altar asked her,’what’s wrong with having a female child, you are female and so also your mother and sisters’.
She sighed before she answered,” it’s difficult being a female child and it’s difficult rearing them.’
She turned and looked at her shocked mother and continued:
“ I saw the worry on her face each time our menstrual periods delay. She made us her daughters show her the pad of our menstrual flow every time in the month. We showed her the blood-stained pad every day as young adults until we became completely independent. Some nights, I saw her sneak into the girls’ room to check on us, searching through our things as she walked on tip-toes. I saw the worry on her face each time things didn’t go well with any of us her daughters. But I also realised that she didn’t feel the same way about her boys.
When I asked her once, she said.’those are men, women will serve them’. I knew much is expected of a girl-child. I’m a busy person. I may not have the time to follow up on daughters if I have them. It’s difficult being female. It’s such a burden. So, I would rather have only boys.
“That is just a tip of it. Girls are mainly seen by guys as sex toys. As teenagers, you have to worry about guys grabbing you or touching you and that’s really nauseating most times. And I didn’t like the way my brothers handled their girlfriends. I don’t want a girl child. Men see women as objects of sexual gratification and it is very wrong.”
Carol eventually had her three children, all boys through in vitro. She had them carefully selected, had them fertilised outside with her husband’s sperm before inseminating them inside her womb. It was a costly method but she could afford that.
At a women fellowship forum in a popular pentecostal Church in Lagos, a woman lamented the challenges of training her three female children. As she testified and thanked God that at last all her three daughters had gotten married, she shared her story.
“It is not easy but God saw us through. It is these challenges that brought me to church. Academically, my daughters had no problem because they always passed their exams. While sitting for JAMB, my daughters under the guise of attending JAMB lessons were using the opportunity to attend parties and visit their male friends. They were day students and were attending from home. So, studying for JAMB was an opportunity for them to visit places they were not allowed to visit and do things that ordinarily, my husband and I would not tolerate.
“My husband eventually ended up allowing my daughters to bring home the men they were dating so we would follow them up and know who to blame when things go wrong. My first daughter eventually got impregnated by the man she brought home and introduced to us and we had him marry her. That was how the three of them ended up marrying their boyfriends. Two are doing well in their relationship but one of my daughters is really in a bad bad marriage that we are praying that God turns things around.”
Sex and the man
Last year, a law-maker in the House of Assembly was the talk-of-town among his people over his sexual scandals lately.
The lawmaker was allegedly pictured on Valentine’s Day with two runs girls and the source said he has been in the act of frolicking with these girls and often times assaults his wife whenever she confronted him
The wife of this lawmaker at a time threatened to expose the sexual escapades of her husband with young girls in town but before she could actualise her threats, online media were agog with pictures of the lawmaker celebrating the year’s Valentine’s Day with some teenage girls.
Mr Laurence Uchendu, school teacher said the trend in is becoming institutionalized.
“All men think about when they look at a woman is her body and sex. The ladies take advantage of the hunger in men’s eyes and seduce them. Even a little girl knows she looks attractive when she is wearing a new dress or a beautiful hair. She’d start shaking her tiny waist to attract attention. I remember having to shave my little daughter’s new braids last Xmas and also stopped my daughters from braiding their hair.
“But looking at things critically, I think it’s all in the hormones. If you are a teenager, you are no stranger to the power of hormones. As a Biology teacher, I know that starting from as early as age 7 and 8, the body begins to produce the hormones that are responsible for the changes of puberty.
“Teenage hormones are the chemicals that cause the physical growth and sexual development that will carry you through your teens and into adulthood. As these substances take hold of your body, you’ll notice that your emotions, moods and sexual feelings are much stronger.
“Hormones affect your moods, emotions and impulses as well as your body. A lot of the mood swings that teens experience are caused by fluctuations in estrogen, progesterone and testosterone — the sex hormones. These same hormones will also affect the way you think about dating and sex. Teens become much more interested in sex, sometimes to the point of obsession. You may find yourself attracted to other people in your peer group, even if you never dreamed that you’d think of them in a sexual way.
“It’s hard to feel that your body and mind are being controlled by the forces of nature instead of your own decisions. A lot of teens feel that the changes they’re experiencing are weird, freakish or unnatural, but in fact, almost everything that you go through during adolescence is a normal part of your development. Chances are that if you’ve experienced a new urge or experimented with different behaviours, at least one adult in your life has been through the same thing”.
Looking at the situation, an experienced male journalist said that the essence of living is all about sex.
“You cannot avoid that talk. You have sex to have children. And soon, the children grow up and talk about meeting guys and babes because they too want to marry. And they start talking about sex.
A naked man does not attract attention but a woman in bikini would attract a thousand looks.
“Men go to wars over women and if you want to see a man’s greatest anger, go for his wife. There is something in a man that makes him want to kill and he would actually kill if you tamper with his woman. I was in Gambia for a programme and saw all kinds of women from Europe, old, middle-aged and not so young who came all the way to Gambia to look for younger men to catch fun with.
“You may call that the not too serious thing but that is what keeps the world moving. The world is all about sex and love and that’s what makes the world go round. Whenever you see a lot of guys looking at one direction, there is a girl there attracting attention. A mighty man is reduced to nothing because of sex. Look at the story of Samson and Delilah and see how Delilah barbed Samson’s hair.”
Oftentimes, we hear old men call little girls wives. And ‘uncles’ ask little girls to come and sit on their laps. How many times have you heard your male visitors ask after your daughter with a leer?
“Oh is that Toyin? She has grown so much and beautiful, ehh? What class are you now? That means that very soon, the suitors will start coming”, and he’s probably referring to a nine-year-old girl who just entered secondary school.
Why women fall in love easily
Somebody wanted to know why girls often fall in love and are too emotional in relationships that are meant to be just for fun and sex.
The nature of the girl child is emotional right from birth. She takes matters of the heart so serious.
As a child, parents buy her dolls and in these days of Barbie dolls, she learns to cuddle things, wash theirs clothes, bath her and she generally gets emotional to her. She grows up that way learning to cuddle and be cuddled. She wants her things for herself. She wants wants her man to be exclusive. She knows she would one day marry and begin to rear children. Growing up, she often hears men calling her ‘wife’ and pretty even men that are old enough to be her grandfather.
She grows up knowing she has a huge responsibility of being a wife, mother and home maker.
“The sex matter has gotten out of hand,” says Tunmise, a legal practitioner.”The churches are not helpful. The church as a moulder of character and good behaviour has collapsed. Stories abound of pastors who ended up impregnating young girls who went to them for counseling and character molding. We all read the story of a 53-year-old pastor who reportedly impregnated 20 members of congregation claiming the Holy Spirit ordered him to have sex with them. The pastor was arrested for abusing the young girls and women at his Vineyard Ministry of the Holy Trinity. The pastor’s abusive behaviour was eventually reported to the police by his estranged wife who grew tired of his adulterous behaviour after he reportedly impregnated her young niece. You can imagine that kind of situation. Going to a church to seek a solution has become a problem. If the pastor doesn’t defraud you, he will sleep with your wife or impregnate your daughter. Pastors don’t preach holiness anymore. “
Sex and the scandal in the Church
Taking a cursory look at the sex-drenched society , Pastor Adeleke Adesheri said the development is not new.
“The unregenerate does not give a damn about what he does and it has been like that for centuries. Sex is on his mind whenever he sees a female but this is not the same for a regenerated man. The Bible says don’t lust after her beauty and a man who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery. These days, women sleep next to their husbands using sex toys while men masturbate beside their wives. And God says he will judge adulterers Himself”.
In one of his teachings, Pastor Chris Oyakhilome of Christ Embassy took on the issue of masturbation saying it is not sin. Severally, the pastor reiterated his stand on that issue thereby breeding confusion in the Christendom.
He also said the issue should not be regarded as his personal opinion but as a resolution from the Bible concerning it.
Pastor Chris, as he is popularly called, while reacting to more questions from members of the public who seemed to be confused about his teaching that masturbation is not a sin had said the act of masturbation in itself is not a sin against God but that Satan uses it to oppress people of God making them feel ineffective and inefficient in the things of God.
He also said God is not offended by the practice but by any habit that takes hold of one’s mind.
But general overseer of the Redeemed Christian Church of Nigeria, Pastor E. A. Adeboye soon took a swipe at him saying he was shocked at the revelation by Pastor Chris Oyakhilome of the Believers Love World, a.k.a. Christ Embassy, that masturbation was not a sin but a habit.
Pastor Adeboye while addressing the ministers and workers of the church in Jos, north central Nigeria had said: “The pastor of Christ Embassy was quoted by the press as saying there is nothing wrong with masturbation. I want to tell you that everything is wrong with masturbation, it is a sin against God and against human nature. Anybody that practices it will go to hell and it is a bad habit you must not get involved as a Christian or as a pastor or worker in the Redeemed Christian Church of God!
“It is a sin against God and your body is the temple of Holy Spirit. Masturbating is a way of defiling the body (1 Cor. 3:16-18).”
He discouraged the members from such doctrine while admonishing them to be fervent with God and not to be carried away by every wind of doctrine.
Pastor Oyakhilome had said: “No matter how wrong you think this is in your mind, get this straight, in itself, it is not a sin against God. Satan uses it to oppress people of God, “making them feel ineffective and inefficient in the things of God.”
He said for Christianity as a religion, this habit has nothing to do with God but a lot to do with the body of the person practicing it.
As expected of controversies, this generated mixed opinions with some supporting the controversial preacher’s position on the matter, while others think the pastor is wrong.
Sex and the scandal are one thing the church does not want to address. The church is living in denial and covering up the crap going on in the church. Today’s church does not have the answers to the moral questions. Indeed, the church has become part of the problem.
More scandals in the church
It is not only Pastor Oyakhilome that had a controversy over his sexual behaviour.
Sometime ago, a lady named Ese took to the social media with an allegation of her sexual relationship with a pastor of a popular pentecostal Church based in Abuja.
After making her serious allegation, nothing was said about the pastor’s side of the story. Many felt she said the truth in her allegations.
But there is indeed a lot wrong with the church in Nigeria today.
Carnality had made the church its capital city. Pentecostal pastors compete with each other to accumulate wealth from the tithes and offering of their members who are being desperately exploited in many ways including making bogus claims about faith healing, paying dodgy characters to fake miracles on stage, making fuzzy pronouncements which they call prophecies, giving patients false reassurances and encouraging them to stop taking their medications with devastating consequences.
There is no end to what a twenty-first century pastor would do. Pastors have god-like statures and a cult-like following, which can overwhelm their naive members; and this often stops members from speaking out against sexual or psychological abuse. The story is not different in conventional churches like the Catholic church where some priests sexually abuse seminarians and church members just like in other orthodox churches. Indeed, sex is what makes today’s society go around.