By Aunty Juluie

Aunty Julie,

My guy gets into trouble a lot and has been in trouble a couple of times with the police but only arrested once and received a reprimand. I started speaking to him in November last year after my ex and I split up after a particularly rough break-up and things progressed from there. He asked me out a few times but I said that I couldn’t. I wanted to but I knew I wasn’t ready to trust anyone again after just coming out of a relationship.

love

We stopped speaking after last Christmas as he got a new phone and I didn’t ask for his number but then began talking again via Facebook. My elder brother whom I’m living with does not allow Facebook and so, I was using a friends’ account. Some of our conversations weren’t exactly dirty or anything but he’s told me he loves me around 5 or 6 times now .

Later, my mum found out I’d been messaging him on facebook and ringing him at 3 o’clock in the morning when she visited my brother and took my blackberry. She read all the conversations between me and him, saw all the call history and saw a particularly embarrassing text from me to him and raised an alarm .

He smokes but has tried quitting on several occasions. He isn’t exactly the brightest spark but does quite well in his business. My family, particularly my mother doesn’t want me anywhere near him and called me all manner of names after reading the messages between us.

I really like him and I know he’s decent but my brother and my mum just don’t seem to see it. They think if I am in a relationship with him, my life will go down the plughole.

I know he’ll treat me right because I’ve known him a while and he’s always been amazing and he’s told me never to make the same mistakes he made. He had a bit of a traumatic experience when he was young and the only way he distracts himself is by messing about with his friends which results in him getting into trouble.

I don’t know what to do with him. What do I do?

Pedro, Abuja

Dear Pedro,

It sounds like you do really like this guy and behind his actions can see that he’s decent. While you are clashing in your views with your family, it sounds like they are doing what they need to do as parents trying to protect you. As unfair as it can seem at times, they are responsible for your safety and want to make sure you don’t get hurt. Calling you names doesn’t help and can be very hurtful, but it seems like your mum wants to make sure that you are safe by having lots of rules and boundaries in place.

Family aside, there are a few things you wrote about that I want to mention: his friends, sex, and the reasons behind him getting into trouble. They might not seem like big things to you, but it might help you to make some decisions.

Firstly, friends can tell you a lot about a person. People often believe that you hang around others who are similar to you. It’s a worry that you are scared of his friends and don’t want to talk to them. While this guy might be nice to you over the phone and online, do you think he’ll be the same in front of his friends? A person’s friends can tell you a lot about a person, and it’s good to get on well with their friends.

Secondly, deciding when to have sex is a big decision. There’s no rush to decide, especially before being in a relationship with someone and getting to know them better.

You said this guy had a traumatic experience and now tries to forget about it by doing stuff that gets him in trouble; it’s common for young people (and even adults) to use ways to distract themselves from traumatic experiences. But distractions don’t help the problem, and can often make it worse. I’m guessing that his smoking might also be a way to cope with the experience. His behaviour shows he might not be over the experience and needs some help. If he has any criminal charges, it will definitely affect your family’s approval of him.