Dear Bunmi,

I noticed my husband checking his mobile phone from time to time. I had a look at it and found a text message from a woman he works with. There wasn’t anything obscene in it, but I thought it odd she was sending him texts wishing him the best of the festive season.

I challenged him about it and he said they’d become really close friends but that nothing was going on. It turns out they have lunch together at least three times a week at a buka close to their office and often attend staff parties together.

He swears nothing has happened and that she’s just a platonic friend. I accepted what he said because I believe men and women can be friends but had noticed he’s becoming increasingly distant. I have this feeling he discusses our marriage with her and that makes me feel uncomfortable.

Am I being silly and blaming the rift in our marriage on this when he could just be going off me? Do you think I should ask him to stop being friends with this woman if he’s not doing anything wrong?

Rolake,
by e-mail.

Dear Rolake,
What you’re currently experiencing is what is called emotional infidelity: It is not an actual affair because nothing physical has happened. But there’s a level of intimacy here that can be dangerous for the primary relationship, in this case your marriage. It’s a fact that we’re closest to the people who know the most about us. Your husband is investing a lot of time and energy into this ‘platonic’ relationship and it’s disturbing that he’s discussing his feelings for you with her. Now ask yourself: If he should see you doing whatever it is he’s doing, would he be upset?

I think you’ve been remarkably tolerant sensing even your husband would grudgingly admit you wouldn’t like a lot of the conversations they have, and the intimacy.

Nothing physical has happened yet, but the likelihood is there, especially now he’s suddenly become distant as a result of this friendship. You need to sit with your husband and tell him how concerned you are about your marriage and how he feels about you. Don’t bring the friend in yet, just talk about how he’s becoming distant and ask if he’s getting what he needs from your marriage. Then ask him why he hasn’t asked you to meet this woman if there’s nothing going on. Ask if he could invite her to the house for a drink. If it’s all above board, he won’t hesitate to take you up on the offer. If it isn’t, he’ll react like a slippery eel and come up with all sorts of reasons why it’s not a good idea. Trust your instincts.

Hopefully a direct conversation will give you some answers but be rest assured you aren’t being silly or imagining things. Emotional infidelity is a very real threat.